Star Control II: The Ur-Quan Masters

Made by Accolade, released in 1992

Vanquishing the Evil Ones

Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2006! Still figuring out exactly how in-depth I wanted to go into with these... I left my write-up mostly unchanged.

Nothing of great interest for the intro ramble here, except heh, if it's taken this long to get through the game so far, it'll take ages before I finish doing these writeups. I CARE NOT. THIS GAME IS AWESOME.

Ah, the Spathi homeworld! There are a few homeworlds that I've memorized the locations for. God that's sad. ANYWAY.

Off to the moon of Spathiwa! Why the moon? Because I've played this game before.

So many colorful Spathi ships. The Spathi Eluder is designed like that so that the enemy wouldn't now exactly where the crewpods were on the ship, as a random note. Also so the front and back would be hard to distinguish so you can fire B.U.T.T. missiles more effectively (yes those little backtracking missiles are called BUTT missiles, it stands for Backward Utilizing Tracking Torpedo if I remember right. YES I AM STILL AMUSED BY IT SHUT UP).

If you don't know the cypher, you can answer with:

"Attention aliens: I am x acting Captain of the starship z. Please Respond."
"Uh... Gort, merenga!"
"Er... florp blurt a-ruppa-tuppa?"
"How about `Pleeeeeze!'"
"Wagh-nagl Fthagn?"
"Screw this Cypher business! Let's just talk."

All of which don't work. :D

Hee hee. I love the Spathi High Council. They're great. HIGH QUALITY GIFS.

And I know I already linked to it back when we talked to Fwiffo, but here's the UQM remix for the Spathi Homeworld, Safe Haven, which is very frenetic and possibly even more hyper than the original.

Skipped some stuff here. Basically How the heck did I know the cypher.

There's a chance to keep talking about Fwiffo and how he's on your team and such, but I then remembered that if you tell the High Council about Fwiffo, they kill him. This could be totally untrue and completely wrong, but I remember someone warning me against it so I WOULD NEVER RISK FWIFFO'S LIFE and moved on to a safer topic of conversation.

Heh. I like how cynical the high council is.

This wasn't the quote I was looking for, which goes something like:

Captain: Let me be frank. We seek allies.
Spathi: In case you have forgotten, we are bonded to the Ur-Quan as slaves.
The punishment for the plan you propose can be described as `Death'.

Hee hee hee.

HUNAM I never get tired of that.

Heh. Questy.

I love the silly responses.

Thus why they're on the moon, if you were curious.

Spathiwa. I never get tired of that word. SPATHIWA.


Hehehe Eyeball dudes.

I like picturing the Captain asking that question in a very deadpan voice.


I love the High Council. They just don't care.

SO let's get rid of these Evil Ones! Truly darkest terrors from the depths they are. And there are a lot of them, apparently.

Awwww. Little teddybear with big eyes! :D

A better shot of an evil one ->

I remember the first time I saw an Evil One, I burst out laughing. It was just such a perfect thing for the Spathi to be so terrified of. The Evil Ones never move, they just sit there, blinking, tongue lolling out. HOWEVER, if you touch one, it will blow up your lander in seconds. They're actually one of the more dangerous bioforms in the galaxy (apart from ZEX's Beauty, who will actively hunt your lander down and rip it into little pieces before you even know what's happening to you) but they just sit there and stare at you with their cute eyes, mostly. The theory among our family is that the Evil Ones are just too bloated from eating so many delicious Spathi to go after the lander.

When you shoot bioforms with your little stungun, they turn inta those hamburger lookin things. Bioburgers. That's bio information that you can sell to the Melnorme later, and maybe the Starbase, but it's a much better idea to sell it to the Melnorme.

Despite the fact that the Evil Ones don't move, I MANAGED TO RUN INTO ONE, as you can see by my drastically reduced crew on the left there. GO SELF.

I think a variant of this made it into Star Control 3, where it was altered to be "How go your foolishly courageous and noble efforts to save the galaxy?" Darn it, I can still hear the Spathi's voice in my head. HAUNT ME NO LONGER.

Hahaha. You can lie to the Spathi and tell them that the planet is safe when it isn't. The Spathi are not pleased if you do that.

You failed us!
There were creatures all over!
They attacked the unsuspecting Spathi the second our ships unloaded and took off.
The poor encrustlings were gobbled like popcorn!
We can only conclude, that in your eagerness to return us to our world
you neglected to eliminate ALL the Evil Ones from the surface.
The job is incomplete until their presence is scoured from the surface of Spathiwa!

Captain: Uh... sorry about that little mistake. We thought we had gotten them all.
Safe Ones: That was not a LITTLE mistake.
A LITTLE mistake is leaving the top off the eye cream or forgetting to clean your lid in the morning.
Now on the other hand, a BIG mistake might be, say
telling your friends that a certain place is safe when in fact it is crawling with hideous, hungry beasts
who want nothing more than to feast on soft, Spathi flesh!
That's a BIG mistake.

And you can keep doing it too. :D

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame
even MORE shame on you! You lied to us before
but I suppose we'll check again.

I however, did get them all.

And so I did come back!

I wonder if anyone's checked if the Spathi keep their word or not? Eh.

I love that this is the next response the Captain makes. "You know..."


Hurraaaaay Spathi ships are all kinds of awesome.

Everytime you drop in on Starbase after doing something like this, the Starbase Commander will basically tell you what's up. Nothin for the Pkunk, cause they never gave me ship plans. :(

If you're following along at home, STOCK UP ON ELUDERS WHILE YOU CAN. You'll see why later.

Why, that merits some investigation, I would say!

Ah frick, I got caught by a random encounter.

The Slylandro Probe! I knew I'd run into one eventually.

Heh. The probes have some of the most irritating music known to man. They always greet you with "We Come in Peace." Therefore, their music is just the phrase "we come in peace" at various lengths and tones. You can make music out of that, yes! It cracks me up, personally. It's driven people insane. :D

Here's the original MOD
For a change of pace, here's the Mp3 hosted on the domain, cause everyone should have this song. :D
Here's the UQM remix which is not nearly as annoying as the other two up there, as it actually has something else in it besides the words "we come in peace".

Animated GIFS!

Why are the probes so annoying?

BAM. And then they attack you. No matter what you say to the probes, they will ALWAYS attack you. ALWAYS.

My trusty Spathi ship handled him though!

Slylandro probes are interesting ships. You can only play as them in SuperMelee, but the probes are always in motion. While with other ships you hafta accelerate to some degree, Probes are always moving in one direction or another. Thus you just tap gently left or right to send the Probe reeling in one direction or another. Their primary attack is a lightning attack, kind of. It's weird and kind of inaccurate. Their secondary is to replenish their battery, which doesn't rejuvenate like other races. To get back their battery, you hafta get close to an asteroid and hit the secondary attack. The Probe goes "ENERGIZE" in this awesome voice, and the asteroid explodes. Voila! They can be fun ships to play as, but tricky. They are also very very fast. Maybe Pkunk ship fast, I'm not sure.

Hehehe, you can see in the corner there how Spathi pilot their ships. They hid on the corner of the screen and only reach out to do things occasionally.

You can earn RU by fighting with random ships and such, if you're too lazy to go mining for minerals. It's not very cost-effective tho, when you get right down to it, unless you're like a Melee god or something.

Fun with the Spathi! They have some great quotes.

You do not know the Secret Cypher!
Therefore, you must be an evil, dangerous alien invader
intent on killing all of us in some horrible fashion!
We have every right to prevent this.

~I like the matter-of-fact last line.

Captain: As a gesture of good will, could you spare some mineral resources?
Safe Ones: No.

Captain: Now that our alliance is firmly established, could you please transport large quantities of valuable minerals to our ship?
Safe Ones: No.

Captain: What do you know about ancient history?
Safe Ones: Before the Evil Ones appeared, we Spathi were a simple folk
we were content with our calm lives, our rude huts
and our coarse-woven turtle-neck sweaters.
I suppose we could have remained that way for eons
were it not for the sudden arrival of a million voracious monsters from hell!
We have never quite figured out where they, the Evil Ones, came from.
The few specimens we collected, who had mostly died of tooth decay from eating sweet Spathi flesh
were physiologically unlike any other species from Spathiwa.
It was as though they had arrived suddenly on the surface of our planet
transported there by some unknown agency... but that is nonsense
who could be so cruel?!

~The theory among the fandom is the Umgah, and I wouldn't put it past them.

Captain: Are you aware of any other alien cultures?
Safe Ones: Since we tend to stay close to home -- preferably in the living room
we know little about other races beyond our neighbors, such as the Umgah.
Before being subjugated by the Ur-Quan, the Umgah were a contented and peaceable race
who inhabited the region of stars which you call `Orionis'.
They spent their time happily exploring and mining the nearby planetary systems
and engaging in elaborate, and to our way of thinking, cruel practical jokes.
One particularly nasty prank was the time they broadcast a trick message through space
declaring the arrival of the 'Grand Master Planet Eaters' or some such nonsense.
This caused several alien cultures to go mad with panic
including, you might be surprised to know, ourselves.

~I love the phrase Grand Master Planet Eaters.

Captain: Man! You look weird -- all those claws and your gooey eyeball. Yuck!
Spathi: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Captain: No, it's not. You are plain, dog ugly.
Spathi: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH!?
You are too.

Captain: We are on a peaceful mission through the Cosmos.
Spathi: Two aspects of your last statement defy the course of nature as I know it.
`Peace' as you call it, is an illusion.
If you have `Peace', you simply haven't yet seen the thing that's trying to kill you.
Peaceful missions through the Cosmos rarely require weapons large enough to punch holes through a small moon.

~This is one of my favorite quotes ever.

Captain: Are you prepared to die today, Spathi?
Spathi: We Spathi are always prepared to die, we know just what to do.
It goes something like this
AIEEEE! No! Please be merciful! Not my claw! Please, no! I beg of you! The Pain! NO!

Captain: What can you tell us of your species?
Spathi: We can best be described as `Meta-Mollusks'
possessing the best qualities of both the clam and the Dravatz, which is not native to your world.
We are intelligent and clever, though you would never call us cunning.
Each day when we awaken we call forth the traditional Spathi prayer
Oh God...Please don't let me die today! Tomorrow would be so much better!

~The traditional Spathi prayer lives on today.

Captain: But what do you really want out of this great mystery called `Life'?
Spathi: I want to live forever, with no pain whatsoever, owning vast personal property plus a company of nubiles.
If this is in your power to give, I beg of you to do so.

Captain: We have heard that you are a race of cowards. Is this true?
Spathi: Yes, absolutely, and with no qualifications.
This behavior has kept us alive for millenia, and we see no reason to change it now.

Captain: Wanna fight?
Spathi: Er... Yeah, we do.
Captain: So let us fight.
Spathi: Okay, let's fight. Here we go. We're rarin' to fight.
Captain: So let's fight, already!
Spathi: Oh! Um... we changed our minds. We don't want to. Sorry.
(Pwappy, you idiot! I told you that wouldn't work!)

At any rate, you'll have to see what the mysterious race at Rigel was until tomorrow. :D

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