Most yaoi also involves sex so these are DEFINITELY NSFW and are for adults only! There is an attempted rape but it doesn't go too far in this one.
I did this LP (?) in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.
Zetsuai is another old thing, along the lines of Ai no Kusabi although I don't know if it was as well known. MAYBE IT WAS I DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE I DO A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THIS STUFF
It's also about as long as Ai no Kusabi was as well, huh.
But downloading stuff to try and find something amusing, I decided Zetsuai fit the bill. The quality is a bit iffy at points (these caps are taken at full resolution and they're still small but I worried that blowing them up would make them even harder to see clearly), i guess the video was ripped from an old VHS or something but who knows, BUT IT SHOULD BE LEGIBLE.
As for what it's about, there's only one word that really sums the whole thing up, and that word is MELODRAMA
ANGST LIKE YOU'VE NEVER ANGSTED BEFORE MEN
and it's all so hilariously sincere
It's kind of like... how did I describe it before. Oh yeah, it's like a Linkin Park song brought to life. So if you were ever a stupid angsty teenie THIS WILL SEEM VERY FAMILIAR. It's also relatively inoffensive, compared to some of the other stuff I've seen (cough okane ga nai cough).
There's nothing really bad in this one, so this is actually mooostly safe for work I guess. PG-13 MAYBE?
Also in a refreshing change of pace, everyone involved is supposedly 16, even though they look 25. THAT'S AN INVERSION I DON'T USUALLY SEE. Also the art style is just... you have to see it to really appreciate it. I can't put it into words. Well okay I can sum it up in one word - long.
My fifth grade was so young then, so carefree.
Their physical impossibility
LET'S PLAY SPOT THE UKE
I call uke.
Man I hate it when that happens
And now I'm a filthy hobo sleeping on trash in the middle of the street. Funny what sticks with you.
WE'RE GOIN BACK IN TIME WITH THIS ONE GUYS
oh jesus that's twenty years isn't it oh my god
DON'T DO IT, HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU LEND PEOPLE AN UMBRELLA
Also I toked up behind the store before I left, that's cool right
Nice shorts buddy
That billboard is begging for graffiti. How could you not see a face like that and want to scribble all over it.
JUST TAKIN A NAP, DON'T MIND ME
Wow he ran right over him OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS LEGS
Huh, didn't see that coming.
Greasy oily skin, good morning.
Do you like my slipper hat
Well hey who hasn't done that with a blue-haired unconscious guy they've never met that they picked up from a pile of trash, I know I have
Also haha I was right. OH SPOT THE UKE, YOU'RE SO EASY TO PLAY.
Also man 80s yaoi apparently had a thing for dark haired/skinned ukes and pale light-haired semes.
WELL DARN EVERYONE PACK UP WE'RE HEADING HOME
What to call this guy. I think I'll call him Sephiroth because it amuses me.
HELP SOMETHING'S ASSAULTING ME
You can be Heero Yuy, because the true love story of Sephiroth and a Gundam Wing pilot has gone untold for too long.
(i bet there actually is a sephiroth/heero fic out there but heck if I'm going to go look for it now)
I'M SORRY THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED THREE SMACKS IN THE MOUTH A DAY, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO
Little does Heero know that that was Sephiroth's ingenious plan all along
OH YEAH DON'T STEAL ANYTHING WHILE I'M GONE RANDOM GUY I MET IN AN ALLEYWAY WELL BYE
What is... the Reunion?
WELP, MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT EASY. I'M IN NO RUSH.
He had spiky blond hair, I forget his name.
I had to duck out the back of a club, I swear that bike thinks we're married or something
Then I got royally baked.
HEY SEPHIROTH IS A ROCK STAR
I should hope not because about 80% of all yaoi/shounen-ai characters (and slash AU characters) are rock stars or aspiring rock stars. I think the rest are all in high school. OR BOTH.
In a shocking twist, this is actually the touching love story between Reeve and Sephiroth.
Katsumi rocking the androgynous look.
I thought maybe there'd be a love triangle or something but it actually was all strangely platonic.
Wow he sucks
Or maybe he can, I don't know.
Fun fact - The same guy who voiced Jonathan Tyberius in Legend of the Blue Wolves does the voice for Heero! And also ukebro from Level C and Glyde from Megaman Legends. Tee hee.
Also, that voice actor (Koyasu Takehito) is good friends with Hikaru Midorikawa, who did the voice for the real Heero Yuy. :O NOT THAT ANYONE OUT THERE CARES except sheena maybe
Anyway Heero tries to rouse Sephiroth, but he begs Jenova for just a few more minutes of sleep.
He does get up eventually though and Heero sneezes, so Sephiroth gets all concerned and such.
I'LL KILL YOU
It's hard to convey how >8( Heero is when he says these lines here but just imagine all the lines on his neck tight with repressed fury, you'll get it.
There better be or I gonna make you one, bucko.
be taking a nap
Those fingers look like they could reach right into someone's womb.
SEPHIROTH WAS PASSED OUT IN AN ALLEYWAY HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS
HIS LOVE LIFE IS IN DISARRAY
I really, really wish there was a way you guys could hear the completely inappropriate musical sting here because it was beyond hilarious. I can't do justice to it with words.
You'll find it's empty.
NOBODY'S EVER MILDLY SCOLDED ME BEFORE
Anyway Seph gets bored and decides to find his wallet and rummage around in Heero's things.
Ness, Paula, and a puffball on a stick.
Anyway Sephiroth decides to get down to brass tacks and do some stalking, so goes to find Heero's orphanage.
Oh yeah, Heero's an orphan by the way.
This is Heero's orphanage mom lady! I don't know what the word for that is. Apparently Heero called her at night for advice on what to do with an unconscious silverblue haired man he found in the trash.
COULD SEPHIROTH BE LYING
oh jeez I thought they just moved away and forgot him or something
I like how they walked a good distance away and waited until it got real dark to have this conversation on the Talkin' Bridge.
I guess Sephiroth's never been good at subtly weaving tragic revelations into his speech.
Oh big surprise.
HEERO used GLARE!
SEPHIROTH can't move!
Clipping error? Shoddy polygonal models?
HELP IT'S SMOTHERING ME
This doesn't capture it but Heero very delicately laid himself down here. lol
Anyway as Sephiroth said, Heero is sick. So Sephiroth decides to take on his parttime jobs for him!
I want that salad. Why do I want that salad.
HAHA SURE LET'S GO WITH THAT
An active one?
There was that spiky haired guy, I forget his name.
FEEEEEAR IS HOOOOW I FAAAAAAALL
Anyway Heero has a soccer match and his sister shows up. And so does Sephiroth!
Probably not the best way to ingratiate yourself to him, Seph.
When you get home your shoes are going to bombs, buddy.
Then maybe toss a materia at you, I don't know.
Heero says, violently flipping him off.
You're dead man.
Heero's sister is your typical cliche shoujo stereotype. Shy and nice and blushy and supportive of her brother, etc etc.
I think I'll call her Relena.
Mmmm yes. Yes. His friend. Mmmm.
Maybe now I can throw out all that disturbing porn he has under his bed!
Sephiroth you're not very sharp, are you.
Those doctors were lying! LYING!
Swooning uke, check. WILL HE HIT THE FLOOR? MAKE YOUR BETS!
Haha nice hand there Seph.
I'm going to have to take a shower now.
I MARRIED YOU ON THE ASTRAL PLANE SEPHIROOOOOOOOTH
This is the archetypal shoujo cliche pose, right down to the flaring hair.
I DIDN'T SIGN NO ASTRAL MARRIAGE LICENSE
Well that was quick.
I didn't know pneumonia worked like that.
AND AUNTIE EM IS FINE, SHE'S NOT DEAD, EVERYTHING'S FINE, JUST... JUST GO TO SLEEP, OKAY?
Well I'd be a bit alarmed too if I started weeping tears of mercury.
Is this really the time?
I... don't see how that makes things better?
YOU WEREN'T BEING GAY ON MY BROTHER WERE YOU
Relena is shocked by this sudden hug by a guy whose legs make up 3/4ths of his body.
Then Sephiroth sleeps maybe with some random woman we've never seen before, apparently in a nuclear reactor.
Well I guess that does explain some of his irrational behavior.
Sephiroth - smooth talker.
Sephiroth then burns off his teenage angst by speeding in someone else's car.
veni veni venias
AT THE HOSPITAL, HEERO HAS MADE A FULL RECOVERY!
Tuck your shirt WAY in.
His face doesn't really capture the latent rage in everything Heero says.
Katsumi takes this pretty well. I guess he's used to it.
I BROUGHT MY SILLY OUTFIT, IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT
I ALSO HAVE THE TAB FROM A COKE CAN IF ANYONE NEEDS IT
Katsumi's job kind of sucks.
IS IT GAY? PLEASE LET IT BE GAY! TEE HEE HEE HEE
Heero flips out.
Although actually these seem like fairly reasonable requests, considering.
YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR WHAT, TWO DAYS?
I didn't quite catch this but Heero throws a bottle of whiskey at him.
If you were wondering whether or not it gave Seph an artistic shallow cut on his face, then you'd be correct!
ne me mori facias
The 80s were not a kind time to anyone. MUSICAL INTERLUDE!
Relena goes to ask Seph for advice since Heero refuses to talk to anyone since that day and then tabloid reporters get their picture! omg!
I feel obligated to mention here that the music is just as 80s as you're imagining and Seph is not a good singer.
I'M HACKING INTO A NETWORK OKAY I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS
HEARTLESS MEDIA DOGS
chances that this scar will be meaningfully caressed at some point in the future
I got a little confused at this point because I'm not sure if this is Heero's little brother saying this and Heero >:(ing about it, or if it's Heero saying it, which doesn't make sense since his dad should be dead at this point. I think it's his brother though.
Someone tell that guy with the leaf blower to cut it out!
craaaawling iiiiin my skiiiiin
Sorry, had a bit of hair in my face there
beacause... you are a puppet
Anyway Seph apparently wants to buy a house close to Heero so he can stalk him more efficiently. Katsumi is mildly irritated by this.
I CAN HARDLY ENJOY MY BUDWEISER©
You have all these pictures of him with the eyes cut out with a razor, it's weird
Not if it interrupts my personal happy hour
WELL WHATEVER BYE
My legs are so long.
Peeping at men is different somehow.
HEERO'S HAVIN A RIPROARIN GOOD TIME
It'd probably help if you didn't buy a house specifically to spy on him, Seph.
you really need to wash that uniform
GO FOR THE GOLD IN THE TOKYO OLYMPICS!!
I like picturing him flipping him off violently again here.
My camera was out of film, I need to reload.
Given that Heero is what 16, I can emphathize with his STOP TALKING LIKE YOU KNOW ME %( rage here
I SURE SHOWED YOU
chances that someone is going to get run over on that conspicuous crosswalk
God his legs are like knives.
ALSO HIS LEG IS BROKEN BUT THAT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN TO LOOK AT
Oh god please say he is I really need this job
Well broken arm, close enough.
Maybe we should start... I don't know, keeping better tabs on him. Just a thought.
Heh, CD player.
You know how people say "Man, she had legs that went on for miles"
this is the literal interpretation of that concept
I wonder if the appeal of a rockstar character is being able to write their emotions in a cheesy song?
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT, LET'S HAVE A FLASHBACK!
I missed a cap here, I forget what it said which is a bit annoying since it was kind of important if I remember right. Something like... something about choosing her, or other people, or something? I dunno.
Honestly I'm not entirely sure what Heero's mom's deal was, maybe she was just nuts.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME
We can play bridge
And then Heero whipped out the revolver.
Maybe the problem here is your technique, Seph.
And so on and so on.
Ah, uke eyes. Even if they're rare for Heero.
veni veni venias
I'm pretty sure you'd still suck even with BOTH your arms Seph
you one-armed doofus
Something about this is hilarious to me, I don't know.
I'll just roll around in the dirt in the meantime, who cares.
SEXUAL THINGS i mean
Heero says a bit a snippily.
Wouldn't being high as a kite hamper your soccer playing abilities?
From a distance, through binoculars.
HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW
Even when they're kicking and screaming, that sort of love.
Man have you ever thought about love
i mean REALLY thought about it
HEERO DON'T BUY THIS LOVE NONSENSE
Please don't tell the bouncers to kick me out
And he runs away, just like Heero's always ~running away from his feelings~
ne me mori facias
AND THAT'S THE END OF OUR STORY GOODNIGHT
SOMEONE GET THAT LOSER OFF THE FIELD
We have that Squash appointment, we can't miss it.
Mercury tears are an epidemic.
I like everyone's wtf expressions.
Uh Seph that's kind of what we've been trying to do the whole time
do you know how soccer works
YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
YOUR TEAM WON MAN
THIS ISN'T THE NORMAL REACTION
Then they still would have lost.
That and a major buzz.
Sephiroth you really don't think anything through do you.
AS WE JUST EXPLAINED A MOMENT AGO
In the closest thing to happy we've seen Heero in up to this point, he slides down the banister with a little Wooo! that's actually legitimately cute.
YES THINGS ARE FINALLY GOING MY WAY
I SURE HOPE THAT WEIRD STALKER DOESN'T RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ME
And then Seph passes out. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS
To the place where worlds collide
You're a pervert aren't you
Like where you put all those surreptitious pictures you took of me that I KNOW you have
Hahahahahaha honestly that'd be my reaction too
Well, given your lackluster soccer abilities, probably not
WOW that's arrogant of you Seph
is Betty Crocker
DRAMATIC LIGHTNING FLASH
ooooh how predictable it all is
Say that again. SAY THAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU.
Let me just get my rape eyes on here
OH GOD THE SPIDER MONSTER WAS YOU ALL ALONG NOOOOOOOOO
I wanted to lead!
You'd think a guy who plays soccer day in and day out would be able to overpower a prettyboy rockstar but I guess not.
%) Ahrurgahfhghrurhabglbbll!!! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!
Heero just like oh gdit
Heero actually surprises me by punching Sephiroth in the face.
BY... RAPING YOU???
Heero throws another whiskey bottle into the air, this time breaking that convenient window behind them.
AND SEPH CATCHES THE SHARD OF GLASS IN HIS SHOULDER OOOOOH
instant heart attack
trying to force myself on you and then you punching me god it makes me so hot
HEY WHY ARE YOU RUNNING OUT THE DOOR, I'M BEING ROMANTIC
Part of what makes this ridiculous melodrama so hilarious to me is remembering that these are both 16 year old boys and that they are no doubt taking all of this completely seriously
POOR CHOICE OF WORDS, SEPHIROTH
Bad kiss will ensue! Heero fights a bit then gives up, as these things always go.
JUST GET IT OVER WITH, I HAVE A SOCCER MATCH TO GO TO
Bam, called it.
I told you not to! Now you'll have one across your face for eternity too, man no one ever listens to me
YOU KNOW HOW MY PARENTS DIED
Man can't get enough men crying dramatically, that's awesome
I'm being serious, this is hilarious
Honestly I'd have my doubts about someone who would.
Which would be...?
Those pot brownies are really kickin in now
YEAH MAN IF YOU'RE GAY WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING
MIGHT AS WELL JUST KILL YOURSELF FOR BEING A FREAK
although again if this is a 16 year old boy rockstar i can see him flipping out melodramatically over something like this
OH MAN TEAR TURN TO BLOOD TEAR TURN TO BLOOD
COMPLETE THE WHOLE ANGSTY SCENE
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO
The end?! what
Actually there's a sequel to this called Bronze that has somewhat better art but 10x the histrionics and ridiculous drama. For example Sephiroth gets himself hit by a car again for possibly the stupidest reason ever. Heero is so angry about this. And his feelings. PERHAPS SOMEDAY I WILL DO THAT ONE FOR YOU AS WELL
hahahaha but yeah, that's zetsuai for you. you could do worse, all things considered. and i found it hilarious, anyway.