Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Gillian has a latent appliance fetish



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2008! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




WOULD I LIE TO YOU?

I was extremely tired this time around and was very lazy about caps, so go me? I also took a break halfway through because I was too tired to see straight. But anyway, time for me to flounder around and try to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing!

What was I doing? Oh right.

That's Alton right there.

As a side note, this area plays a sort of chiptuney variant on Christmas music. I forget what song it is exactly, but this theme gradually drove me insane. RRRGH

Hey, the background billboard changes!

HOW ABOUT YOU WAIT FOUR MORE YEARS FOR KATRINA GILLIAN

YOU DIRTY PEDOPHILE

The cult shop, awesome, I needed a new one

Year-end wtf

TEE HEE YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH STOP

Hahahaha that billboard. START A NEW LIFE IN THE OFF-WORLD COLONIES

Metal you know I can't read

Anything like George Lucasland? I'm not sure I'd go to Lucasland, they'd lock off all their old rides and replace them with worse ones, and then kick you out if you complained. (Don't worry, baby, my witty commentary's free of charge)

OH IS THAT WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE

Didn't they just say it was Christmas a bit ago? What's with this secular "year-end" they keep throwing around?

SORRY, YEAR-END PRESENTS

A pack of double A batteries, just what I always wanted!

Gillian, there's no need to pout like a five year old.

INSERT YOUR OWN INNUENDO FOR WHY YOU CAN'T PICK UP THE FLASK

woah, mixing the streams

YOU SAW IT HERE

CONFIRMATION THAT GILLIAN IS A ROBOSEXUAL

NO MORE QUESTIONS

I guess Metal just ignored him or something.

HAHA SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TWELVE, MAYBE I SHOULD INVITE HER OVER FOR DINNER AND BREAKFAST AT MY PLACE

I LIKE THEM YOUNG :)

i have to be honest with you guys, that whole thing with katrina has seriously made me like gillian a lot less. It bothers me way more than I would have thought, actually, but now I find myself going "ha ha >:(" instead of "ha ha |D" at Gillian more often than not.

IS THAT WHY NONE OF YOU WARNED ME ABOUT THE PEDOPHILIA?! well honestly if i'd known i would have been much more reluctant to play this, come to think of it.

KOJIMA BETTER BRING IT TO THE WALTZ young man TO MAKE UP FOR KATRINA

BOTH OF YOU, STOP IT

I HAVE TO CALL THIS LINE IMMEDIATELY

What, seriously? That makes a difference? Lame, I thought I could just trigger him and go do it whenever.

People love touring the sign factory.

SUBTLE COMMENTARY

SO HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED THE VIDEOPHONE NUMBERS GOING BY ON THE BILLBOARD YET

I KNOW LINGERIE!!!

Maybe he'll show up if I'm just persistent.

SOME INFORMANT

LET'S DO SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING

Kojima, it's okay to have someone NOT named John.

DOE, GILLIAN, IT'S DOE! man that's it we're out of the competition

You are the worst liar in the entire world, Gillian.

Hahahahaha

Little less conversation

I can just see this in Japanese, with LOVE written in katakana. RABU RABU

Wow, the more I think about it that alternately gets less and more dirty.

BUT BEFORE I DO THAT, LET'S PESTER CHRISTY SOME MORE!

So this is what the Skipper did after they got off the island.

GUESS WHEN THIS GAME WAS TRANSLATED EVERYBODY!!

Maybe "glug" or "glom", or "gkk" if I was choking.

THIS IS GETTING HOTTER THAN HOT

IT'S ICE COLD

And by toenail surgery I mean clipping my toenails. Sorry, I don't know why I phrased it like that.

NOBODY LOVES YOU GILLIAN

YOU FILTHY PEDOPHILE

my god she lied to me

anyway let's call some more people, calling people endlessly makes for a compelling narrative

Huh? Oh yeah, I cut that. Basically just a voice all HEY PLATO'S CAVERN SUP and such.

And that's why they have their phone number listed on an EIGHTY FOOT BULLETIN BOARD IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE

It's a very competitive business.

Well I got another place to go, anyway. BUT LET'S CALL SOME OTHER PEOPLE FIRST!

let me offer to have sex with a 14 year old girl, it was just like I'd always dreamed

LIKE WHEN I WATCHED LOLITA

And the beautiful children around him, like Katrina! He wanted to sleep with them too! Ha ha, how wonderful!

Also man, I wish they'd just decide on a Hajile already.

WHO DESPERATELY TRIES TO HEAD OFF GILLIAN'S PEDO TENDENCIES

Like how it's okay to offer to have sex with someone whose father has just died, and is also barely pubescent.

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR HITTING ON KATRINA, GILLIAN.

Alright enough of that.

jamie where you goin with your fancy hat

GILLIAN I WAS JOKING ABOUT YOU BEING A CREEPY STALKER BEFORE

SERIOUSLY WTF

you don't want to make me angry

Is it normal my mind went straight to GYNECOLOGIST for this, or what

HA HA I KEEP MEANING TO GO BUT IT JUST SLIPS MY MIND

Yunohu is a respective professional.

I mean, I already slept with him, and he sucks in the sack.

Somewhere, Old Snake quietly :]s to himself.

OR I COULD JUST GO TROLL THE GRADE SCHOOL FOR GIRLFRIENDS

HA HA HA HA

Anyway, what else didn't I have a chance to talk about, let's see...

Wait what? Did I miss a cap here?

And the quarantine is just... everyone else being a jerk to us. WHY IS NEO KOBE SO OPPRESSED

what why

HAHA YOU HAVE A PRETEND JOB CHASING PRETEND MONSTERS

i mean i'm sure it's very stressful

I WANT TO SEE SINGING ROBOTS DARN IT

Can't help with... what?

The judge says we have to stay fifty meters away from each other at all times.

HAVE YOU TRIED SLEEPING WITH HER?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN A+ IDEA TO ME!

Probably because it sounds really ridiculous if you think about it for too long.

WHATEVER, THAT DIDN'T GET ME ANYWHERE.

i see what you did there

Nah, too easy.

I see, I see... no wait, what

HMMMM

BUY OUR GAMES

Metal sure is judgy all of a sudden.

Otherwise before you know it, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA

Pfff why can't I see that

No wait, at the bottom of the screen there, hahahaha there I can see it, okay yeah that sounds about right.

God now I'm hungry.

I WANT TO SAY THIS STILL SOUNDS LIKE A BAD IDEA

BUT I'M HUNGRY ENOUGH RIGHT NOW TO SAY I'D EAT THAT

Hahahaha PEOPLE LOVE HAVING BOILING CUPS OF LIQUID ON CROWDED, CRAMPED STREETS

I KNEW IT ALL ALONG

Imagine, money being all you need to make purchases?! That's... that's insane!

REALLY

ALRIGHT, WHY NOT

Haha okay, this whole scene was voiceacted out and was pretty hilarious. Gillian ordered two Neo Kobe Pizzas, one for him and Metal, despite the fact that Metal is a robot and has no mouth. BUT HEY, OKAY.

Metal was just like YAY PIZZA and didn't seem to question the whole lack of mouth or taste buds or digestive system BUT HEY IF GILLIAN WANTS TO BUY TWO FOR NO REASON WELL THEN FINE

Mr. Miyagi?!

Anyway, the basic idea behind the soup thing is that you have this soup, and a piece of pizza (I assume a small piece, since a whole slice would take a big bowl) and you drop it in the soup, and then when it bobs back up again, you grab it and eat it. Okay, I guess I can see that, although that's a bizarre idea. Would you have a pizza already shredded into small-bowl sized chunks, so you can grab and eat them in one bite when they pop back up again? Since holding a hot and wet piece of pizza doesn't sound appealing at all.

I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO TRY THIS, BUT WHAT SOUP GOES WITH WHAT PIZZA? KOJIMA WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CRAZY

ploonk ploonk

Metal cheerfully talks about how his pizza came back up and he snatched it (and ate it?!?!), but Gillian realizes that his piece didn't come back up. HE'S BEEN RIPPED OFF... SOMEHOW?

Gillian throws a tantrum and cries about it. lol. You could drink the soup, Gillian.

ANYWAY, LET'S GET THIS GOING

Han Solo is going shopping back there, apparently.

AND IT'S RUN BY A JAWA

utini

BUT PUTTING YOUR PHONE NUMBER ON THE BULLETIN BOARDS EVERYWHERE WELL THAT'S JUST GOOD BUSINESS

He'll steal your droid, just watch.

WHERE ARE THE CHEROKEE AND LAKOTA, MELTING POT

Metal when did you get so snobbish about languages

But apparently this smells better.

OH KONAMI, YOU AND YOUR MOAI HEADS

So I'm not going to do it.

Watch out for their tiny electric blasters

IS THIS GOING TO BE ANOTHER POTENTIAL GAME OVER IF I KEEP POKING HIM

MOVING ON

Like little Gradius ships!

Man you are super pushing these masks buddy

When I just got too tired to continue and quit.

Only four hours? Wow, it feels so much longer than that.

YOU KNOW WHO I'M LOOKIN FOR OLD MAN

That sounds vaguely dirty somehow.

I'd look up who this is, but I'm assuming it's some kind of inside joke or something. And I'm tired.

It's illegal? Well alright.

Is this this Jawa's secret hobby or something? A mask connoiseur?

GIBSON LOVE OLD COMPUTER

LOVE

WELL, IF YOU'RE OFFERING

What an odd thing to say.

I CAN MOLEST CHILDREN ENOUGH WITHOUT IT, HA HA HA HA

WELL HECK, IF I CAN BUY IT WITH NO REPERCUSSIONS THEN I'M GOING TO BUY IT, MUST PICK UP EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE

pyew pyew

I can hum the Gradius theme and shoot glowing circles from my mouth.

FRICK IS THIS A CHOICE

WILL THIS COME BACK TO HAUNT ME LATER

FRICK

on the other hand moai > mummy, so i feel confident in my decision

kind of

WE ALL PLAY HR GIGER'S HOVERCHESS!

MY INVESTIGATIVE SKILLS ARE DETECTING SOMETHING AFOOT HERE

wild stab in the dark: it's jamie's doctor

Okay, that was disjointed and pointless, sure. WAY TO CAP SELF.

You are embarassing me

CHILDREN LOVE MASKS DON'T THEY

HEH HEH

So it seems Gibson was actually doing something of merit, rather than standing stupidly around a store wearing a Moai mask and :Ding quietly to himself.

(at least, so one can assume)

A Jewish guy? the plot thickens

JUST WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO ASK FOR THEIR NAMES

Hahahaha your store is frequented by homicidal robots

have a nice day

tee hee hee

I tried to do this in other places, but it doesn't work. Or at least, as often as I would like. :(

Hot new game!

Gillian you are so sensitive.

DARN IT WHERE IS HE

And why won't he answer his phone

OH I GET IT I CAN'T CALL HIM WHILE I'M HERE, I HAVE TO CALL HIM SOMEWHERE ELSE AND MEET HIM HERE, VERY CLEVER

At this point I wandered around like an idiot trying to figure out why Napoleon wasn't showing up. Apparently arranging another meeting and trying again was beyond me or something. WHY DO I ONLY PLAY THIS GAME WHEN I'M STUPID TIRED?

It's been a couple of days BUT I'LL STILL CONSOLE YOU

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

As soon as I figure out what it was he was doing.

HE'S A DIRTY PEDOPHILE

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE

please don't try to push me into a relationship with the 14 year old gillian does not need the help

Is there really a big market for "underground" restaurants?

hahahahahaha okay

Hahahahaha where did you hear that from

Harry I don't want to hear about your sex stories with Gibson okay

THEN WHY WERE YOU DRINKING IT?

WTF

I was really off the ball here. I think they were talking about how Gillian was in good health, or something? Or about the nanomachines?

DUHWOOPS

I'm growing convinced these two had some kind of sordid affair.

HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS ;_;

I'd like to actually meet you without you throwing a hissy fit and leaving after ten minutes. SO I ARRANGED ANOTHER MEETING WITH HIM.

arrrrrrrgh this music arrrrrgh

I CAME RIGHT HERE HOW COULD IT BE PAST OUR MEETING TIME

WTF

ARRGH

I was looking around and not paying attention, and then bam! I missed the lead up to this. DARN.

As dated/easy it is to make fun of michael jackson, this still made me laugh

BASED ON WHAT I KNOW ABOUT YOU...

OH WAIT, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU CAUSE I HAVE AMNESIA! HAHAHA!

I can get descriptions of all these dates? SIGN ME UP!

Wow, Gillian really likes the beach apparently.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS

YOU HAVE AMNESIA

*laughtrack*

I'm picturing a martini glass with salt along the rim?

I'm picturing Gillian saying each line with growing intensity.

I WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED JAMIE

ALL THE TIME

YOUR NAKED BODY

WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME

Fine whatever. At a loss, decided to backtrack to the other locations.

Katrina says, clutching a knife behind her back.

GILLIAN STOP IT

I'M SERIOUS

HINT HINT GILLIAN

YOU PEDO

Yeah, Gibson really did love that Harry of his.

BACKTRACKING

Ha ha ha! Loser.

AHA!

>:( get my hopes up for nothing kojima

UTINI

...No?

OH YOU TWO

Same reaction from the crowd as last time if you're wondering.

Note to self: try this again.

YOU BETTER BE THERE NAPOLEON

SERIOUSLY

ARRRRFG

You know how jealous he gets.

GILLIAN

I like picturing Metal doing three snaps in a z formation with his little manipulator cable.

AND YOU'RE SEPARATED SO... SHE MIGHT BE UPSET?

see how it is gillian

no woman loves you like i do

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST TASTELESS PICK UP TECHNIQUE GOES TO...

Spitting image, translators. Although that's an interesting mental image.

It's the lack of a question mark that really makes this for me.

Somehow I don't think Little John had to do this for Gibson.

UNLESS HE DID???

ARRRRRGH

Yeah, no woman can resist that one.

"Please don't resist?"!?

DUN DUN DUUUUN

D:?

So did Metal just watch Gillian pass out and not do anything about it? Hahahaha. Just sat on his shoulder and sighed to himself.

FINALLY

hahahaha seriously?

I can't remember what he said here, since my notes consist only of "GOD YOUR VOICE ACTOR IS SO BAD NAPOLEON"

tickle tickle!

FINE

GOD YOU'RE PICKY

BUT WHY WOULD THEY, IF THE MASS MEDIA SAYS SNATCHERS DON'T EXIST, WHY WOULD THEY KNOW ABOUT JUNKERS AND *pow*

Metal quietly removes Napoleon's toe.

wait what

I'M SURE YOU'RE DOING... AN ALRIGHT JOB, OR SOMETHING.

MAN, GIBSON THOUGH.

You fill in the blanks about what I was doing to him!

I gotta be honest, I really don't care.

SUNSCREEN

Okay, that makes a bit more sense, sort of. Where are these buffalo they're even shooting, anyway? Isn't this supposed to be around Japan?

Thank goodness I have unlimited money.

Napoleon what is with you and these random non sequitors

EVERYONE LOVES GIBSON

GIBSON ORGY!!!

OH KOJIMA

How convenient that I already bought one! Why do I get this feeling that maybe I was supposed to talk to Napoleon earlier?

FINE GET OUTTA HERE

YEAH!!

THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'LL BE INTERESTING!!

But I'm tired so I quit.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHO KNOWS!

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