Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

She's eighteen, we swear



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2008! I left my write-up mostly unchanged. Gillian creeps on a fourteen year old girl in this one!




I really kind of sucked at capping a bit this time around, since I was playing when I was extremely tired and I thought it'd help keep me awake. As a result I was just taking caps all over the place. WOOPS! But I can mostly remember what I was doing now so that should help, probably.

I ended up taking a break a little further down the way from here since I was just too tired to play anymore, so I might play some more tonight. :O

Anyway, let's continue our investigation by visiting our dead friend's house! And his fourteen year old daughter! And come dangerously close to pedophilia! YAY KOJIMA!

Haha already filling up all of these. SO PARANOID.

Anyway people mentioned a few things here I didn't get SO I DECIDED TO SCOUR THE APARTMENT ONCE MORE

HAHA WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME GILLIAN

YOU DON'T NEED FRIENDS!

My god you two are married and you've been together for like an hour

WE HAVE, HAHAHA

Has Jamie been taken over by the black oil aliens from X-Files or something?

30, really? Wait a minute, Jamie's in like... her forties? Really? Wow, I didn't notice that.

Hmm.

AND SHE REJECTED YOU

LIKE I NEVER WILL

Anyway continuing to look at this picture over and over again

why won't it become real

Oh hey, that's a good point! Wait a minute.

:O!

No it just composited itself when it got bored OF COURSE SOMEONE MADE IT GILLIAN

Maybe because IT'S A COMPOSITE

DOES EVERYONE HAVE FIVE-SECOND AMNESIA

Gillian, you don't need to repeat the last word that people say to complete your connection to Snake okay.

THE LAST HORSE CROSSING THE FINISH LINE

Or maybe someone faked it to fake her past! Or am I getting ahead of myself here.

YOU ARE THE WORST DETECTIVE EVER, GILLIAN.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO THAT, IT'S NOT LIKE A TAMPERED PHOTO OF MY WIFE IS IMPORTANT OR SOMETHING

What was I doing here? I dunno, looking around I guess.

Metal, it's okay to use contractions.

ALONE... WITH A ROBOT

MY SWEET

Maybe you can't remember where it was taken because you have amnesia, Gillian, you dingus.

She's really in her forties? Would that mean Gillian's in his forties as well? This is making me extremely suspicious.

Thus her Pedobear admirer back there?

Ha ha ha okay let's stop talking about how pretty young girls are okay

(little did i know how much worse this would get)

I'LL WATCH IT AT NIGHT

AND ANALYZE IT

REPEATEDLY

You guys are really a perfect pair.

Metal what would you even do with Jamie

uh

WHY WOULD A ROBOT NEED TASTE IN WOMEN

WTF

ARE THERE ROBOSEXUALS

HOW WOULD THEY FIND OUT GILLIAN'S TASTE IN WOMEN

HOW DO YOU PROGRAM THAT

WHY WOULD YOU PROGRAM THAT

IT WON'T BE MISERABLE WITH ME GILLIAN

I'LL BE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANT IN A WOMAN

BUT I'LL BE A ROBOT

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Do not timidly approach the sink, and run when the water comes out.

Okay this was me blanking out again, but I told Gillian so shave again. And...

JAMIE HOW'D YOU GET HERE

AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON

SHE'LL ALWAYS TURN YOU DOWN

NOT LIKE ME GILLIAN

I'M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU

Women love neckbeards!

WITH ME

DON'T TOY WITH ME GILLIAN

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH

Anyway, call up Jamie again and hey, she's wearing a fancy hat! And looking like she's about twenty years old! SOMETHING FISHY IS GOING DOWN HERE.

I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY I JUST LIKE THE SATISFACTION AND POWER I GET FROM KNOWING WOMEN LOVE ME

What lies? Do they have false memories, or did they agree on false memories, or does she just consider their relationship a lie without memories to back it up? I'm leaning for the latter.

Like the time I stole your perfume! Or when you came in and saw me wearing your clothes! Or when I sent you that threatening letter!

I don't think I want the memories you're describing, Gillian. No, I don't want to look in your pants for them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

this is really deep guys

I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE A HUGE SLIT IN THE FRONT OF YOUR FACE

I TRUST YOU NOT TO BE A SNATCHER

Hey you know speaking of which, I actually had a dream about Snatchers last night! They popped up in front of my text window, and for some reason I couldn't find the right keys on the keyboard to pull out my gun and shoot them, and then they kept weaving around everywhere all fast so I couldn't hit them. It was very frustrating.

Later on I rode in a hot air balloon powered by tapping rhythmically on a table I was sitting at with Doug Funnie (except he was adopted, so he was actually blue like Mr. Dink), so you know.

what

Or dumb. Burn.

And then I talked about Snatchers, but I didn't take a cap of that cause like I said, I was very tired.

Hey wait a minute, no one else talks about Snatchers? THE WHOLE CITY'S UNDER QUARANTINE BECAUSE OF THEM. HOW COULD ANYONE NOT TALK ABOUT THEM.

Although this is beginning to confirm my suspicions that Snatchers might not actually even exist.

GOD YOU'RE SO DUMB

JUST LIKE A WOMAN

I prefer pretending that Jamie is humoring him and isn't just a total idiot.

"What's a Junker?"

what's a helmet

But I'd rather be alone than be with you, Gillian.

Whatever it is you do. I've already forgotten. (help! i've been snatched!)

Nothing brings back the old memory like good old fashioned elbow grease!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WASN'T DONE TALKING TO YOU NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DARN IT SHE WON'T TAKE MY CALLS

JAMIE I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF

Darn it's not an option. well whatever I guess I should go to Gibson's house or something.

Hahahahaha wtf what are we in splatterhouse all of a sudden

Why are the hills filled with raccoons?

LORD KNOWS WHAT IT'S DOING HERE

Metal do you have a fetish you're not telling me about

No!

yeah

just a little

HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET IN?!?

Gillian you know I don't have hands

why do you always do this

Why hello, knock option.

There is no more wood in the future. ONLY CERAMICS!!

So we're not breaking and entering then.

DUN DUN DUUUUN

Alright, why not.

AGH

Leave this house, oh Beast!

I don't have to tell you.

FINE, BE THAT WAY.

TRUST ME IMPLICITLY

MY WHAT

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO

WHAT

You definitely didn't just beat a Junker to death and steal this ID.

Oh yay, random trivia questions! Just like the adventure games of my youth.

Tired as I was, I was sure it was 44.

Darn it. I went and looked it up.

NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW THAT

COME ON IN

Cause if you were a stalker trying to break into my house to kidnap me, there's no way you'd know anything about me, an incredibly famous model!

I think a smart girl probably wouldn't open the door regardless of whether or not someone can answer trivia that was probably published in some teen magazine at some point, but okay.

I REMEMBER THIS CONSPICOUSLY SPECIFIC PIECE OF INFORMATION!

WHAT

frick I know that's it wtf

I'll let you keep trying until you get it right, then I'll KNOW you're for real!

Although actually to be fair, I vastly prefer this to the "get it wrong once and you're dead" approach. King's Quest.

Maybe I was approaching this the wrong way?

ffffffff

THERE.

I'm not a creep, by the way!

But I will need visual confirmation.

Or the reporter from Teen Beat, but okay!

Suddenly I want to watch the Amityville Horror. Huh.

HI MAYA

WHERE'S YOUR SISTER

EATEN ANY HAMBURGERS LATELY

Anyway, if I recall correctly Katrina's all like weep weep my dad

And Gillian's all man I'm sorry it was my fault for sucking

And Metal, again, is all like it's not your fault Gillian blah blah

And Katrina's all I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, HE WAS A JUNKER SO HE WAS BOUND TO DIE EVENTUALLY

And then she's all focus on your work and I'll help you whenever I can, that kind of thing.

HEY FUN FACTS GUYS

APPARENTLY IN THE ORIGINAL JAPANESE VERSION

KATRINA IS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD

FOURTEEN YEARS OLD

14 14

14

KEEP THAT IN MIND FROM NOW ON

GILLIAN NO

THAT'S NOT COOL

i can't believe I was all SHE'S GOING TO BE UNDERAGE just from Mika specifically saying she was 18 earlier. I KNEW IT.

Metal's for once insane jealousy over Gillian's incessant flirting seems totally justified.

Creeeepyyyy.

HA HA

CAUSE HE'S OLD

HA HA HA!

I'M CLEVER

Metal appreciates antique furniture.

Looks like a lot of space back there to me, but hey, what do I know.

Well at least we can't investigate Katrina.

THE BRIGHT YELLOW AND RED

IT REALLY BRINGS THE ROOM TOGETHER

hey wait now that I'm looking back there, is that a scale model of his own house on the shelf there? wtf gibson

Hahahahaha he's dead now!

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, GILLIAN.

Does that really affect the value of antiques? I really have no idea.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR DEAD FATHER

DID YOU KNOW HIS HEAD GOT PULLED OFF

RIGHT OFF HIS BODY

And how you're going to be living with me, Metal Gear, from now on.

I already wrote up the marriage certificate, you just need to sign it.

Harsh?

Feel free to look around the house though.

WE HAD TO CUT HIM OPEN THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE

ALL OVER HIS HEAD

WHICH WAS IN HIS LAP BY THE WAY

According to some people, it's very gamy.

YEAH THAT WAS MY POINT BEFORE

although if you're living in a city that genetically modified themselves a unicorn for no reason i guess that's not really a problem

WHO WOULD EVER USE ONE OF THOSE

YOU GET AIDSSTBO THAT WAY

ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING

Katrina are you about to rip out my throat

Then that's where I'm going!

Uh oh.

YES PLEASE

NO KATRINA DON'T LISTEN

Gillian I think she's really doing pretty well, she told you so earlier.

GILLIAN SHE'S FINE.

Metal trying in vain to stop this from happening.

GILLIAN NO

GILLIAN JESUS CHRIST

That was pretty much my reaction as well. HEY YOUR DAD DIED WANT TO GO ON A DATE? I MAY OR MAY NOT BE THIRTY YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, HA HA HA.

SHE'S FOURTEEN GILLIAN

JESUS CHRIST

And then, amazingly enough, Katrina actually yelled at me and was all GET OUT GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU PERVERT which I really didn't see coming. Huh. I SHOULD HAVE SAVED FRIIIIIICK

Metal stabbing Gillian discreetly in the calf.

I was, at this point, extremely worried that I'd totally screwed everything up and would have to restore or something. THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TO GET BACK IN

FRICK

I ended up having to knock, like fifteen times.

Sly?!

I am now terrified that this will come back to haunt me later. Like Katrina will stab me or something because I kept harrassing her. TIME FOR ANOTHER SAVE SLOT!

Which was only an hour ago or so, so that's not really that strange, considering.

Gillian leave her alone

DUN DUN DUUUN

Why would facing north be a problem?

Hee hee.

Oh good, I needed more shampoo.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!

"He could have taught me, but I'm just a girl, so why would he do that! *giggle giggle*"

It's trying to hide the fact it gained weight recently.

AFTER I LOOK AT EVERYTHING FIRST

...Huh.

How did he figure? ooookay gillian

More items! Wooooo

You can see him at every Laker game.

So wait, what's the significance of this? what.

(the female snatcher is a BLACK QUEEEEEN)

Hey, a new submenu!

I do this a lot in the Phoenix Wright games as well. It's fun!

Like "all work and no play make jack a dull boy"

Any old key, could be my dad's, why not

What a dork.

Haha that's nice

No you can't have it back.

HE WAS A SNATCHER

YOU'RE A SNATCHER

EVERYONE'S A SNATCHER

Alright let's see what's on the disk

NO, REALLY?!

Wow, Gibson sure had a lot of time to painstakingly recreate the holes in a 5-inch floppy before he got his head torn off by a Snatcher.

SURE, ALRIGHT!

all work and no play make jack a dull boy

all work and no play make jack a dull boy

all work and no play make jack a dull boy

No one ever bought Gibson's novel.

Why would skin cancer be fatal to robots.

Call me crazy, but I assumed they came up with the artificial skin to, you know, blend in with us, and that their artificial skin wasn't in any way connected to their health, since it was just a disguise. and they're robots.

Like a heart-shaped birthmark! OOPS!

TAKE A SHOWER!!

GD YOU I HAVE CANCER

Do they make it? Does it make them? DOES IT HURT THEIR ARTIFICIAL LUNGS, GIVING THEM ROBOLUNG CANCER AND KILLING THEM?

IT WAS KATRINA ALL ALONG I KNEW IT

I owed him some money, and he really holds a grudge.

That and shooting them in the face.

Frick, what was going on at this point... oh yeah, a dog was barking! SNATCHERS!

SNATCHERS IN THE GARDEN!

I'm on to you.

ALICE

WHO THE F--- IS ALICE

MUST GO THROUGH EVERY OPTION

I'm picturing a dog thrashing Metal around like a chewtoy now.

I didn't catch a real good shot of this, but a bunch of birds flew out. FALSE ALARM!

OR IS IT

And then they go back inside, if I remember right. Or say that things are actually all right. OR ARE THEY?

Really?

DOGS SMELL CANCER

BARBED WIRE

WHY USE BARBED WIRE

WHEN WE CAN GENETICALLY ENHANCE A BUSH

Does that really warrant amused skepticism, Gillian?

I guess that's it? Weird I feel like there should be more here but maybe not? Eh.

AHA!

DIDN'T FALL FOR IT THAT TIME HA HA

mostly

No it was a Snatcher

I MEAN

Alice, fetch my slippers!

Alice, you pooped on my bed!

Alice, we need to get you spayed.

Three reasons you should not name your pets after deceased significant others.

I'M DEFINITELY NOT USING IT

STOP SMELLING ME

Katrina no Gillian's creepy

And then they exchanged videophone numbers! I think.

GET SOME PIZZA!

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