Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

The dangers of good hygiene



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2008! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




PREVIOUSLY, WE WERE ABOUT TO GO INTO GILLIAN'S APARTMENT! WHAT AWAITS US? ABBOT AND COSTELLO TYPE HIJINX BETWEEN GILLIAN AND METAL GEAR? you'll have to click and see

WHICH IS FUNNY, SINCE I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO INVESTIGATE YOUR COLLEAGUE'S BRUTAL MURDER BUT HA HA, OKAY

For a minute I thought that said Alton's Pizza. I'd probably eat that.

This whole street corner? Wow!

Oh, you mean the monolithic blue building of despair.

BUY KOJIMA BRAND TOOTHPASTE KIDS

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU

This makes me want to build a spaceship all of a sudden.

So the government pays for his apartment? That's a pretty sweet deal. I want in on that.

I LOVE BRIGHT BLUE

Remembering the North-South tl;dring in that one Jordan entry, you'd think that living in the Southern ghettos and slums would be worse, but okay.

BUT THE GOVERNMENT PAYS IT, HAHAHA! SUCKERS!

With... ceramics, and plastics and... tungsten... look, shut up.

I WISH THOSE ROBOTS WOULD AT LEAST OIL THEIR SPRINGS

Gillian you're really kind of a whiner aren't you

OH GOD I'M FREAKING OUT

OH GOD

Huh. That was a new scene transition.

JAMIE'S STILL ALIVE METAL

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TOO FAST

Sales of the Nagbot were not good.

And also that tie and those shoes do not go together.

GOSH GILLIAN

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN MENTIONING BEING WATCHED EVERYTIME YOU CAN

ONE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE PARANOID OR SOMETHING

Hahahahahaha I'm going to watch you sleep okay :|

Wait a minute, does Gillian have an antique cuckoo clock there?

METAL YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE

YOU'RE SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT

So wait a minute...

HARRY'S BEEN IN MY APARTMENT

OH GOD

Actually if the government pays for and provides the apartments, I bet they keep records on what's in each of them. Does that mean you'd have to file paperwork for every new thing you ordered and put in there? That'd get really old fast.

I CUT OUT THE EYES BECAUSE THEY KEPT LOOKING AT YOU

ALL FOR YOU GILLIAN

Are you reading from a report, Gillian?

Gillian sleeps in the frontroom of his apartment? Man, goverment apartments are small.

I WAS GOING TO BUY A DISCO BALL AND SOME LASER LIGHTS AND SOME STROBE LIGHTS AND CURTAINS

AND THEN MY PARTNER GOT KILLED BY A ROBOT

She was being menaced by a bear at the time.

She is also an Olympic-class hat wearer.

I got it, game, okay.

BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE NOW YOU JUST HAVE INTEREST IN ME, METAL GEAR

ISN'T THAT RIGHT GILLIAN

STOP CRYING

My psychiatrist, sure, but a robot?! God!

I want a divorce.

Gillian, that's really not something to get defensive about.

Also I'm not sure if robots understand passive-aggressiveness.

At least Metal remembers these, I'd hate to have to keep a running tally in some notes somewhere. OLD DOS GAMES, I'M LOOKING AT YOU.

...I assume. Not that I've called her and left her threatening messages. Hahahaha let me brush your hair.

Yes, please try, I cut her phonelines. It'll be amusing.

I AM YOUR PERSONAL LIFE NOW, GILLIAN.

I'M WITH YOU FOREVER.

I prefer the acoustics of a bathroom when I call my estranged amnesiac wife to tell her I've been flirting with the secretary at work after my partner had his head popped off like a cork.

NO IT'S NOT THAT'S A LIE

I thought you liked it! I asked you if you wanted this one, and you said it was okay! God, you always do this!

Gillian likes smelling pretty, since it keeps the crippling self-doubt away.

What is a sterilizing unit, and why does it sound so sinister?

I see Kojima is still very much in love with his favorite thing in the entire world.

Really, I just put my picture down and then got called in to work, I don't know.

Why do you have that Gillian, you obviously don't live together

GILLIAN DID YOU STEAL HER PERFUME SO YOU COULD WEAR IT AND PUT ON SOME OF HER CLOTHES AND THINK OF HER

GILLIAN SERIOUSLY

ROBOTS CAN'T SMELL

Mommy and daddy just had a fight, we'll be back together someday. No matter how many restraining orders mommy gets.

Feather type?

It hurts when you kiss me. 8|

Why? No wait, this is a Japanese thing, if I recall.

With hair and filth and soap scum.

Bloody, really? Didn't expect that for some reason.

YOUR analysis robot. 8| Forever.

That sounds painful and time-consuming. I don't think I'd use that on a regular basis.

KOJIMA: I LOVE BATHROOMS AND TOILETS THEY'RE GREAT UNF UNF UNF

I'm trying to picture Metal reading that in a french accent in his little robot voice and for some reason I am laughing way too hard.

SHE'LL NEVER KNOW I STOLE IT

According to the commercials, anyway.

Oh god am I going to console the bathroom

And then it plays a very lovingly rendered toilet flushing sound. Oh Kojima.

Despite being shot five times, but hey who cares that was like ages ago.

OH KOJIMA

I could seriously hear Snake and Otacon having this exact conversation. DARN IT. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME.

Gillian, stop humping the air!

And is that why you're humping my head Gillian because please stop

Hahaha, a sentimental moment. I pictured Gillian all OOH JAMIE :] with a really stupid grin on his face.

SURE, WHY NOT

ADRIENNE CAN WASTE MY TIME WITH POINTLESS BATHROOM RELATED ANTICS

WHY NOT GILLIAN

METAL WE MET LIKE AN HOUR AGO

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

Wait did I miss something here

alright, I GUESS I'll go call Jamie

This better be good, I was about to go to sleep.

The idea of Gillian calling her and then immediately hanging up is really amusing me right now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And if not, I'll just go out with Mika instead! So either way, it'll work out.

FINE YOU HATE ME I GET IT

I assumed that me and the Snatchers would be making daisychains! Why would they put that in the Classified ad?!

Are you a complete idiot?

At least I was killing humans there. Robots, this is too much.

KILLER ROBOTS, NO PROBLEM, HAHA I EAT ROBOTS FOR BREAKFAST

PLEASE TELL ME HOW BIG MY PENIS IS

You're kind of a pantywaist, you know.

...Which is?

Like how you didn't tell me, even though I was married to you, that you'd be taking on a job described as "mildly lethal" at best.

We don't communicate very well.

You should work on that.

I'm going to play with my prescient robot.

LIKE YOU DATING ANOTHER MAN

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO ALLOW THAT

Also stay away from the hottest clubs, and the best restaurants, and high class fundraisers for fashionable causes.

Hahaha, secretly most of the population is all "Go Snatchers!"

Wow, lot of options here.

Still read Family Circus every day?

HMMMMMM.

So they weren't living together three years ago? Were they already separated? I thought they separated after they developed amnesia because that strained their relationship. Okay, whatever.

This isn't going in a Jacob's Ladder direction is it? WITH KOJIMA WHO KNOWS.

That was sudden.

FORESHADOWING?

Despite the fact that we both know what dream I'm talking about, let me describe it in detail.

Gillian it sounds like you're getting off on this.

Yeah because a dream like that really sounds like a good time WTF GILLIAN

Gillian, you're sick.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE, GILLIAN, SINCE APPARENTLY YOU DIDN'T PICK UP ON THAT.

And then Jamie just doesn't respond. Honestly I probably wouldn't either. wtf.

CLOWNS!!

What do you THINK is under here?

HAHA YEAH THAT'S SO HOT GOD WHY DID WE EVER SEPARATE

Jamie's freeballin.

Gillian, no! Too much!

I don't think I've ever seen a semicolon used that way.

How would you know, Jamie, since you have no memory of living together?

SHE CAN'T RESIST ME NOW, AFTER MY CLEVER ROACH TRICK

Wow, that's a lot of options. Can I actually do any of these? All of these? KOJIMA I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO PLAY A DATING SIM OKAY

ROBO MUSICAL

THAT CAN ONLY BE GREAT

The phrase "robot musical" will never stop being funny to me.

You're kind of repellant, to be honest.

Fine, maybe robot musicals hee hee are too intense. Normal dinner?

What, am I going to have to win her affection by bringing her cakes everyday like in Harvest Moon? KOJIMA GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHECK THIS THOROUGHLY NOW TO SATISFY MY OCD ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING

ARRRGH

FINE DON'T GO ON A DATE WITH ME WILL YOU

I'M HANGING UP

I'LL JUST GO DATE THE SECRETARY

YOU JERK. >:(

I took way too many screencaps this time around. Over 1000 and then relabeling and such becomes a pain. Must keep this in mind for the future.

WHERE WILL I GO NEXT TIME? I HAVE NO IDEA!! Probably Gillian's apartment, since it's next on the list. WILL MAYA FEY BE THERE? I HAVE NO IDEA!

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