Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

He was a great peasant!



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2008! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




THE INVESTIGATION CONTINUES!

There, got a shot of the KONAMI BUILDING

KONAMI, KONAMI!

"Oh it's you. :<"

Basically Mika is all ;_; (she could use a little love today, love today, love today) and Gillian is all sorry for your loss etc etc.

If I recall she tells you to go see the Chief immediately, so away we go!

And the chief informs me that Gillian will be taking over Jean's duties. So basically it's Gillian versus the world now. AWESOME.

Anyway time to poke and prod everyone

IT'S JEAN

BACK FROM THE GRAVE

So that's what was hanging from your nose.

We enjoy watching you shower, Gillian. :)

Metal I expected a full database of painting lore i am very disappointed

WHO WOULD PAINT AN INANIMATE OBJECT?!? this is going deeper than we suspected

Robo-sofa, are you programmed to love

Especially when they're young Iowa farmgirls looking for a big break in the biz. OH!

MY COUCH IS PROGRAMMED TO CALL 911, SEED.

Feel his rippling pectorals?

Living with Kojima must be interesting.

"Could you turn on the TV?"

"DO YOU KNOW HOW A TV WORKS? :D :D :D See there are these electric pulses that go across the screen and cause the ceramics to shift around on the screen and create pictures..."

"...No?"

I'm suspicious of this painting. Maybe the chief will get killed somehow or something and we'll have to investigate the blood on it or something.

Aircushions inside aircushions? A DOUBLE INFLATED EXPERIENCE

how do i do my job

OH IS THAT IT I WAS JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND HAVE A PIZZA

(neo kobe pizza)

(actually ancient slice of pizza dropped in coke)

I'd do it, but I'm so busy sitting in this chair.

JUNKER RUNS A TIGHT SHIP.

We're stalking you though, since you're probably going to break something.

Katrina katrina... oh right, Jean's daughter. Yeah that'd suck pretty hard.

THAT'S THE IMPORTANT CONNECTION IN THIS CASE!

Who are you, David Brent all of a sudden?

JUNKER was looking for sharp people.

Whatever, I'm out of here.

THOSE GAPING HOLES IN YOUR CHEST

YOU KNOW

Gillian: ...I was right there. :/

NO

Mika, why are you referring to yourself in the third person?

Also I don't think anyone's ever said crying vigorously before. TRANSLATION!!

8|

8|

I forget what it was I was doing here, maybe investigate?

YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME. >:|

YOUR FEELINGS DON'T MATTER TO ME

TALK TO ME MIKA

TALK TO ME

wow really

I barely knew him but he was like a brother to me.

I'm pretty sure "what's going on" is that Jean's been put in the Bye Bye Box and you won't be seeing him again for a long time.

You're harshing my buzz Mika I'm leaving

OH GOD HARRY'S BEEN SHOT

Oh no wait he's just drunk. He does the hilarious overdone drunk slur too. AH, THE VOICE ACTING IN THIS GAME IS A TREAT.

Basically Harry's all IT'S YOUR FAULT JEAN'S DEAD GILLIAN I HATE YOU YOU SUCK ;_;

And Metal's all no it wasn't.

But Gillian's all like "well yeah it was kinda my fault my bad"

And Harry's all weeeeeeh

Then we gave him the memory chip from Little John.

WE WERE IN LOVE

IT WAS GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL

Who IS that? Blondie? Madonna? I have no idea.

GILLIAN LIKE PHOTO

JEAN AND ME WERE BEST FRIENDS IN GRADE SCHOOL

BOWLHEAD HARRY HE CALLED ME

WAAAAA

Yeah brandy is very neopolitan.

BUT I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER HARRY

LET ME TOUCH YOU

:)

Is Metal sitting on his belly now

No wonder he's drunk if the Junkers around here just paw at him when they get bored. Maybe that's why he's so upset Jean died. WHAT HE AND JEAN HAD WAS SPECIAL ;_;

Sooooooo 1997 then?

with CERAMICS!

MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEAD!!!

What, is that Metal's first memory? His consciousness is finally in place as Harry leans over him with sake-scented breath, and his first task is to put a coat over him after he passes out?

Or maybe Harry just likes programming all his traits and preferences into the Navigators so they can get him things when they're off duty. METAL SNATCH ME SOME SAKE HAHAHAHAHA PRETTY CLEVER EH

metal all |<

Is it some kind of plasto-ceramic that can mold to my hand?

We're not going to get anywhere this way guys.

My little text file pays off totally writing this down.

Holding onto a faded picture of Jean, weaping beautiful crystalline tears into his beard. Their love was so pure, so true. Why, god, why.

DO WHAT I SAY

I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE

You put your hand in one guy's jumpsuit, man

Reason for taking leave: Illness

Type of illness: broken heart

Alright I'll leave Beardy alone to mourn his lost love

If Navigators are supposed to complement their owners, like taking on traits they don't have, it amuses me that Metal becomes the leader most of the time while Gillian's all like "... yeah let's do that"

I don't know why they hired me, really. Pretty face I guess.

"It says 'To Jean, we love you. You're much better than Gillian' on it."

"I wasn't even working here!"

"They don't like leaving things to chance."

No, let's sit on it and discuss the day Gillian YES LETS LOOK INSIDE

No, that's where he keeps all the cakes. You've spoiled the surprise now.

KEYS KILLED MY GRANDMOTHER

IT WAS SO LONG AGO

I CAN'T REMEMBER

I would, but my hands are in my pockets, so you know.

You are sinfully lazy, Gillian.

I am going to zap you later tonight while you're sleeping

and you won't enjoy it

what

Wow, something actually made of wood.

He wore out a spare? Jean really worked hard, wow.

Gillian sits and puts on Jean's coat, strokes his arms and cries.

YESSSSS i am so relieved when i pick up things in this game

I CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM

IT PROBABLY WON'T WORK, I MEAN, WE DIDN'T EVEN TURN IT ON

Tetsuo, what were you doing in here

:D :D :D I love those floppy disks, I still have a few lying around here.

Woop, cinematic!

So it's apparently ulcer medication. Gillian speculates that Jean wouldn't have eaten something like buffalo meat if he had an ulcer, and therefore must have had... A REASON TO EAT IT! DUN DUN DUUUN.

I still have the disks with Space Quest 3 and Populous on them. Ah, memories.

Yesssss

NO NO NO PICK THEM UP

AAAAGH

I hope you're right Metal in that we didn't need to pick those up

You better be

OTHERWISE PEOPLE MIGHT THINK PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIVE HERE

So. Jordan. We meet again.

So you don't want to eat ice cream near it, if your hands are too cold it won't work.

My sweet

Come close to me

This will never backfire.

SIGH

Alright this time I think I got it

HMMMMMM.

Yo Mika!

I'm surprised they didn't have weight as "top secret" or something.

Mika apparently has a bad reputation for marring things.

Mika moonlights on the side as an anorexic bondage telepath in a gasmask.

Let's see what ol Deady did.

Jean didn't you verbally harass a bunch of delinquent teenagers in detention one Saturday morning?

Oh wait it is 2047, I don't know where I got 2056 from. Haha. I thought for a second that maybe some weird coverup was going on with the time but it turns out I just pulled a random number out of a hat somehow. GO ME.

Chief throw this water fountain through this window

Chief I didn't know you were once Yosemite Sam

Hey, that means Jean is older than the Chief. Huh.

OH KOJIMA

Specialized in CQC.

:D

Aww. Well I guess that'd make sense, since Snake is off the radar most of the time.

CURSES

One of the people listed before as being killed in action, if you don't remember. LET'S SEE WHO THEY ARE

We're pretty sure it was a Snatcher anyway.

Maya Fey what are you doing here

BLOOD TYPE O NEGATIVE

SHE WAS SNATCHED AND KILLED JEAN

no wait

There is absolutely no way this won't come up later. I am putting money on my Katrina is a Snatcher theory now.

Harry Mason is currently looking for his daughter, have you seen her? She has short black hair and is about seven years old.

Man it doesn't help that even your last name sounds like Harry's, buddy.

Hey, he and Jean are the same age! Hmm.

Another tragic marring.

What, did the scientists and police just ditch everyone else when they "combined" to form Junker? Cause Junker has like... four people in it.

Slept with his stepmother NO WAIT

One People's Choice Award.

IT'S ALREADY ACTIVE!!!

Metal Gear has a nuclear payload OOP

See this is why you don't accost people in the street all ARE YOU A SNATCHER YUO'RE A SNATCHER AREN'T YOU LET ME SEE YOUR HEAD SLITS

Someone tells me that they didn't really get to the root of his murder.

He is a carrot.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Pffft.

They really DO remind me of Snake and Otacon THANKS FOR BRINGING UP THAT COMPARISON GUYS I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD NOW

Really. I'm kind of intrigued now.

Oh hey, it actually works now!

Then I went and put in the number we looked up in Jordan before for Junker Headquarters.

HELP ROBOTS

ROBOTS

ROBOTS

HELP

AAAAAAAAGH THEY'RE IN THE

OH GOD

AAAAGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

ROBOTS

Gillian: tee hee :B

Let's call the... what was it. I forget but there was another number in Jordan before, I forget what it was.

:O

Although lol, they had a little clip for this that called the company JT&T. Heh.

Alright let's call the real phone number we're supposed to call

AGH

Gillian is unimpressed. This dude has the worst voiceacting ever, it's hilarious. Basically he was Jean's informant, or something.

really

I forget what the trick question was. EH.

uh

Not a very suspicious informant in which case.

BAH, FINE

What you just told me to? Or are you making sure I'm going to do it?

Oh, well that's convenient.

OKAY

GOT IT

Yeah, real good passwords. idiot.

If playing the role involves knowing basic facts, sure!

You didn't TELL ME ANYTHING BEFORE

oh frick he changed the question

i wasn't paying attention to the rest of the entry

But thankfully I had all these screencaps, so I just went through and found the answer. :B

Informants in Neo Kobe are kind of dumb.

LET'S HARRASS HARRY SOME MORE

Fine.

Oh hey, new dialogue options!

that was very helpful thank you

NO!

Run a very tight ship here.

Oh hey, that might trigger something useful.

Or all the porn.

Harry why is your tongue in my mouth oh gooooooood

I'm a big baby.

Just four or five of them, that'll be enough.

55 is young?

When he was young would be... 90's/early 00's. WHERE ARE MY BRAIN VITAMINS

Being a model is a really fun hobby, anyone can do it!

That makes it sound like an informant is like a thighmaster or something.

Kojima: UNF UNF UNF NANOMACHINES UNF

METAL HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

I'm going to investigate you.

yeah

you like that

SEARCH... SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

His strange, blocky handwriting.

Finally someone who knows what a key is.

Hmm.

:D :D :D

Anyway

Colleague of mine for like ten years died but hey life goes on did you watch the game last night

HELP I'M DEAD

With their soft buzzing

soft... buzzing...

Hahahahahahahaha

All puffy and red eyed, it's wonderful.

I JUST LIKE FLIRTING WITH YOU TO REAFFIRM THAT I'M DESIRABLE TO OTHERS OKAY LEAVE ME ALONE

You're not talking like a normal human being, for one.

Bwaa bwaa bwaaaaah.

SOUNDS LIKE MY KIND OF PLACE.

Using my godgiven right to feel up random people?

Hahaha but wait, did Gillian stand there and go I'M GOING TO INVESTIGATE MIKA NOW or what

HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaha hahaa

haaahahahaha oh man

I don't even know why but hahahahahaha

WHAT ARE YOU PSYCHIC

Thanks that was not really helpful at all.

That sounds... foreboding.

wtf

is this a dating sim now

HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man I hear this with the same type of faily intensity as Raiden when he MANAGED TO AVOID DROWNING!!

GOOD JOB.

Humor him, maybe he'll go away.

How can he smell her through the glass

STOP IT STOP FLIRTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE THEY ALL HATE YOU I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT LOVES YOU

ME

ME

ME

Bwaa bwaa bwaaaah.

Persuade? Gillian you're getting stalkerish now.

IS THIS A DATING SIM NOW? KOJIMA WTF

And as long as you follow the steps exactly then a women will always fall in love with you i mean it's down to a science

Yeah, that'll make her like you more.

WHAT GOOD STALKER TAKES NO FOR AN ANSWER

I bet Gillian's going to pull the old ditcharoo like Snake did in Metal Gear 2.

Ha ha ha ha ha I'm going to cut out your eyes and keep them forever

Is this note really THAT hard to understand? FIND HIS HOUSE, SEARCH IT. MY GOD, I'M A DETECTIVE!

You pulled it from his still warm corpse didn't you ha ha ha ha how nice

Gillian stop being creepy.

NO IT'S MY SUPPOSITORY

Alright I'm out of here.

I MEAN HE'S DEAD BUT HEY WHO CARES LIFE GOES ON HA HA

I was really the one most hurt by losing him, having talked to him for a grand total of two seconds.

HINT HINT.

We have an open relationship.

FINE I'LL CALL HER OKAY

I GOT IT

As usual, let's just go down the list from the top down.

WHAT WILL WE FIND AT GILLIAN'S APARTMENT? TUNE IN NEXT TIME!

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