Hideo Kojima has this condition where he can never shut up about anything when given the chance, meaning his characters and anything that CAN talk, WILL talk on and on and on and on. PERSONALLY, I ENJOY THIS BECAUSE HE'S CRAZY AND IT ENTERTAINS ME but this irritates many people and understandably so.
Why am I bringing this up, you ask? Well, this tendency of Kojima's to babble non-stop has collided with my obsessive need to talk and check everything just in case it comes back to haunt me later (thank you, Sierra, for making me terrified of forgetting anything), which resulted in this installment being me mainly harassing the computer JUST IN CASE.
In summary? MASSIVE INFODUMP.
The upside? MASSIVE INFODUMP... OF KOJIMA INSANITY.
Nuclear wars, flying horses, spray-on skin, nocturnal robots, unicorns, and pizza in cups await you. Although of course, if you get bored you can just scroll down to where the computer screens stop and pick up from there.
Oh yeah, and here's a video of the opening! It's hilarious, I promise. Go watch it.
Alright, time to systematically go through everything. I'M EXCITED.
We're out of milk!
No it didn't.
THANKS A LOT RUSSIA
YOU GODLESS COMMIES
I don't know about you but if this happened I would be the most paranoid person on earth about it becoming dangerous again. SUDDENLY IT'S SAFE... BUT FOR HOW LONG?
hahahaha i guess this is a different UN where they wouldn't get heartily laughed at for trying to do something like that
Both the nuclear explosion and the disease, or both? Eh, whatever.
Oh we had another one? Awesome, I was wondering when we'd do that.
I was JUST wondering if someone would try to do that! What do you know.
Do I really need to know they're conservative? Were the radical Russian leaders off in an orgy with the Swedish or something?
I'm guessing the remaining 10% of China or so leftover from the disease just got bored and wanted some horrible diseased land to play badminton on.
Or "The War of the Pussies" as it's more colloquially known.
I never trusted those Siberians, with their... tigers and... snow.
The Falkland Islands of the new age!
I was wondering when Kojima would get to this.
We swear! Come on, you can trust us!
And everyone willingly gave up their nukes without a fight and signed the accord and all their nukemaking material AND NUKES WERE NEVER USED AGAIN YAAAY
Funny coincidence that.
Except one involved murderous robots from space, but it's almost the exact same thing.
WE'VE BEEN KILLING THE WRONG PEOPLE
Isn't this how the French Revolution started
Lots of Junkers for sale, good fixer uppers, call
AGH ANOTHER SUBMENU HOW MANY OF THESE ARE THERE
ANOTHER ONE! AGH!
I actually did systematically go through and cap pretty much every one of these, but then I realized that'd be boring for some so I tried to cut the less interesting ones.
in b4 all of these are uninteresting zar what is wrong with you
She also gets us coffee, does some light typing and filing, and won't sue about sexual harassment if she knows what's good for her.
Runners are saps.
What junk team, no one's mentioned a junk team before
Hey wait, I just joined like right now, didn't I? Isn't it like, 2056? Why am I on the list from 2047? Or maybe they just added me and didn't change the date, whatever.
Shultz illustrated why you should never stop thinking out on the field.
I WILL check all of these! Hrrrgh!
Please call us
we're so lonely
A what now
Wow, I can actually see a law like that being passed in this kind of situation if it ever actually happened. Huh.
Although I can't see why scans would really be that intrusive, unless they're the kind of scans that involve vans and gloves and cavities. Or the ones that read your ID card and find out about all those subscriptions you have to Clowns Farting on Pies Monthly.
Oh good, I'm always losing that.
Do not wear it with pink. We will come out there and kill you.
WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF I CAN SPRAY SKIN ON PEOPLE
THAT SOUNDS AWESOME
Don't spray it in your eyes. We'd tell you why, but just take our word on it.
I was envisioning a sort of silly string situation. I'm vaguely disappointed.
IS THE ARTIFICIAL BLOOD WHITE SO WHEN I GET STABBED I CAN SPRAY IT EVERYWHERE LIKE JIZZ WHILE MY ENEMY DRY HUMPS ME AND LICKS HIS FINGERS oh wait wrong kojima game
if we can produce it in unlimited quantities why don't our cars run on it
what about that kojima
I wasn't aware bloodloss was a huge risk here, since I assumed it's more of a do it-or-die thing where most people don't get a chance to come back. But hey, maybe Junkers get lots of paper cuts.
Adrenochew! Chew it! OR DIE.
Huh. Well I guess that makes sense.
So I guess your navigators can't molest people unless the government says you can. THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS.
OOO OOO CAN IT ONLY TURN AT RIGHT ANGLES
Comes with four cupholders and a built in tv in the back for the kids. Top safety rated luxury vehicle in its class. Power steering. 10% APR financing, call today.
I assume it's some sort of gun.
Big Boss would love this.
SO WHAT ARE THESE SNATCHERS, AND CAN I EAT ONE?
I'm sorry, one of our tech guys really likes Transformers and must have mixed up some categories, we'll get it fixed right away
WAS SOMEONE PLANNING ON TELLING ME ABOUT THIS AT ANY POINT? IT SEEMS KIND OF IMPORTANT.
I wonder if these things were the basis for those Squiggly things in MGS4? The little black dealies that squiggly around on three hands and stuff. I guess we'll see when we see one. :O
Now this could be useful.
They suffer from Seasonal Depression.
Such as access to the hottest clubs, and the finest restaurants in town without reservations.
They can inflate their hand like a balloon, but only for about a minute or so.
Unless you're a tall old person, in which case you're f---ed.
"Hey! Hey excuse me, you didn't pay your bill! Sir! Sir, your bill!"
They're right across the face over the eyes, and one's at this weird diagonal around the ear, and the other goes over the mouth and makes them look like fish. Come to think of it, we don't know why we keep having trouble finding the things.
Snatcher was born in a small, midwestern town.
Sinead O'Connor, no!
At this point we had yet to decide on a plan of action, so we let the citizens kill each other for a while.
The recipe for Ultra Crispy Secret Recipe chicken went down with him.
Mormon shouted it was his right to tell people who they should marry, then exploded. It was viewed as no loss to anyone ever.
We didn't let anyone see his body, but he was definitely a Snatcher! No, we don't have to give you proof! Stop asking questions! This interview is over!
Just A bounty hunter?
So the government of Neo Kobe is just unbelievably lazy, I see.
Arrrgh submenus arrgh
DO YOU REALLY THINK ONE GUY LOOKING FOR SNATCHERS CAN COVER ALL THOSE PEOPLE?
LOOK I DON'T PAY YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS
It was widely regarded as a very stupid nickname, and the Americans who came up with it were roundly mocked.
So wait, Neo Kobe's been under quarantine for like, ten years? Way to go guys.
Numerous, thorough nunchucks.
THIS IS ALPHA-ZERO, COME IN, COME IN, GOT A BOGEY ON MY TAIL
When will people in the future learn that putting the welfare of their entire city in the hands of one computer is a bad idea? I see Alpha-One pulling a Skynet sometime soon.
It makes pretty flowers. We're very proud of it.
I'm willing to bet that the military would probably scrap something that kills their own men at that point and switch back to chaff grenades or something.
BUT IT BLOCKS RADIO TRANSMISSIONS GUYS!
Don't we have something that already does that?
SHUT UP JENKINS I NEED THIS
Wait, the Snatchers made the super pollen? I thought they just said the military made it. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Yeah, more acronyms, more
So AIDS then.
Oh hey, what do you know.
"So Bob, we on for Saturday night?"
"not if you HAVE
"Here's your change, have a nice day."
"Have a nice DEATH FROM
"Honey, I think we need to get a divorce."
"I need a divorce... FROM YOUR
"Daddy, what are you watching?"
"DON'T TALK TO ME, CARRIER"
"Sir, you have slits in your face, you're probably a robot. Let me shoot you."
"I have STBO."
"Oh... oh I'm so sorry, never mind."
"Glad you want to work with us here at ConglomCorp. So, are you a murderous robot?"
"Uh huh, okay. Do you have STBO?"
"Excuse me, that's personal."
Best selling album, on sale now.
Man, don't just gotta worry about junkies and
AIDSSTBO, but killer robots. Guy can't catch a break in this town.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, KOJIMA.
Yes please this sounds fascinating
Helps bring out your tubes and a more beautiful, feminine you.
I have a feeling I'm going to be traveling in those tunnels soon enough.
Dude, my computer can't run for more than a week without crashing or freaking out for no reason. I wouldn't trust my computer to run a toaster, much less the traffic system for the entire city.
Does this mean if you're late to work, your car will just leave without you?
to KILL THEM ALL
SO CLOSE TO THE END
I wasn't aware the moon had a lot of helium on it.
START A NEW LIFE IN THE OFF-WORLD COLONIES!
A pasta project? That's my favorite kind of project!
The US threw a tantrum until it got control, got it
Is it a requirement to namedrop science fiction authors in science fiction? Maybe you get a nice write-off.
We had to choose a name, and darn it, those are the two words Steve's fingers fell on so so be it!
I wonder what Sheena would think of this. Probably >:O or something along those lines.
Logistical obstacles and most animals not being, you know, sentient, but hey.
Wow what a terrible idea. I can think off-hand of at least twenty dreams I would never want anyone in the world to ever see for various reasons.
I also see this being one of those things that would end up with a black market clientele.
Now this looks like it might be interesting.
Blah blah uh huh uh huh animals genetics blah blah UNICORN WHAT
Everyone agreed, but only because it made them giggle behind their hands at how girly Neo Kobe was.
This could only be awesome.
Except when a head blows off or they start shooting sparks, or blue screen and fall over, BUT OTHER THAN THAT INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM THE REAL THING!
The real popularity of this art is that people are incredibly lazy and don't want to pay actors money, got it.
Wow, this reminds me of that one weird thing from that kind of lame FF anime back in the day... frick what was it called, Pochepoke? FRICK. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THIS. NOW I have to go look it up.
Aha, I was right! Pochepoke!
Are we going to see a woman with a kangaroo slung over her shoulder or what
"YOU GOT YOUR PIZZA IN MY SOUP!"
"YOU GOT YOUR SOUP IN MY PIZZA!"
"THIS IS GROSS!"
I'd say I'd never eat this, but that's probably a lie because I'll try anything once. I will amend that to I would probably not eat more than a bite of this.
Well that was pretty straightforward.
Also known as "falling".
What do you mean air waves? Are these in stadiums or whatever? How long do these waves last? Aren't they just big puffs of air? This makes no sense in so many ways.
SPEAKING OF WHICH YEAH DRAGON HORSE
"Bet you can't graft wings on that horse. Bet you ten bucks."
Really a big disappointment to everyone involved, who hoped to become modern day Bellerophons and stab each other with spears.
YES I BET ON THAT ONE
Some suggest burning Neo Kobe to the ground, but they have yet to find enough matches.
MY COMPASS! NOOOOOO
I have a feeling this is a problem I won't be fixing.
They have bright blue eyes, and enjoy dry, sandy areas.
It is the ultimate expression of lol edginess for today's teen.
WE'LL BE MEETING SOME FREEMEN IN THE FUTURE, Y/Y
THEY'RE TAKING OUR JEARBS!!!
Neo Kobe you sound like you kind of suck sorry to say
So I'm going to be going into the slums then, if the money I was given was any indication. Which would seem unusual, since Snatchers take over rich people for their sweet rides, but hey, whatever.
YES I'M DONE
Which hopefully will not be for a long while.
And our last tick off the list.
LOL FOURTH WALL WHEEE
How do you practice, Gillian.
Yes, I heard you the first time.
It's funnier to imagine her shouting these words randomly rather than them being nonsensical acronyms.
So yeah, here we go. Controls are a bit odd in that you have to hold the direction you want the cursor to go in and then press the fire button, which is a bit more annoying than just moving it to the square and pressing it (I would be ace at that), but managable. Getting screencaps of me doing this was more difficult though.
Yes, got a shot of me hitting one!
I hit a normal dude once by accident, but it goes by so quickly that I didn't get a cap of it. Oh well.
Maybe he found another job, who knows! Anyway.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HARRY
Oh yeah, another voice acted convo here. Uh, let's see, what did I write down for this...
Dang, the only thing I have of note for this is that Harry tells you that he feels like he's seen you somewhere before. HMMM.
It's a tiny monkey, hold still.
Haha you were kind of ugly! I mean, I'm sorry for your loss.
Gillian, stop feeling up your coworkers!
By tiny gnomes.
Oh hey, triggered another conversation! Harry says he'll introduce me to the Navigator.
I recognize this ominous music...
IT'S A TEENY METAL GEAR :D The Metal Gear Mk 2, no less! Hee. It's got the Gekko legs and aww. It even played the theme for it yeee
Harry says something about the Metal Gear Menace of the last 20th century, but unlike THAT metal gear, this one was designed for peaceful purposes.
The Mk 2 in MGS4 makes so much more sense now. :D
Metal Gear has the cutest little voice.
Mika says it's cute. And also take it eeeeeeaaaaasyyyyyyy
secret NUCLEAR CAPABILITIES I KNEW IT ALL ALONG METAL GEAR LAUNCHES NUKES
I really couldn't save up to this point? For some reason I really just thought moving my cursor to the top and bringing down the save menu would work. Thanks, adventure game mental programming.
OH BOY DARK SECTIONS
This isn't like one of those horseless carriages is it
Notably, when we don't want you to use it! Ha ha ha! cough.
Another verbal conversation! Basically reiterating what the computer said about the gun being made of pottery and being awesome and what have you.
GIB DEM TO ME
Yeah I got it Mika okay
Well, they seem very explodable.
We think it might be their gills. No wait.
And then suddenly a call comes in!
Al Capone wants to make you a deal.
No actually it's Gibson and he says he's cornered a Snatcher and could use some help. Good thing Gillian got there a few minutes ago otherwise he'd be out of luck.
HEY WAIT I DIDN'T ASK HARRY ABOUT HIS PICTURE
I forget what they were talking about here, but for the sake of amusing myself I'm going to pretend they were flirting.
I NEED TO CALL MA, TELL HER I'M OKAY
Since I had taken about eighty billion caps up to this point so I thought I'd take a break.
HA HA I'M NEVER COMING BACK
well not really