Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Gillian Fails All Over Everything



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




Basically, as mentioned before, they kidnapped Jamie and told her they had Harry hostage, and therefore blackmailed her into skin development. Which seems weird to me, since she was what, kidnapped like today? Or maybe a week ago? WHO EVEN KNOWS

Apparently the Professor is ill.

Apparently Modnar is super old, like over 100 years old. And his name is Pettrovich. SUBTLE, KOJIMA.

And they were also making HIM work on the skin? She says something like "How could you do that to their own father" what

Alright time to get into the meat of this.

56 years ago, Gillian and Jamie were involved in a top secret Soviet project during the Cold War. OH, WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED? There's a lot of talk about the gap between East and West, which I assume Kojima wants to fill. With his penis.

Not sure why we decided to shoot the flashbacks through a heat scope BUT ALRIGHT

Anyway, there was an economic crisis in Russia, communism was falling, the Kremlin panicked, and a "horrible, childish" plan was launched. To replace your enemy's leaders with puppets of your own. That's not really a childish plan at all, but hey whatever.

SO THE RUSSIANS MADE THE SNATCHERS, WOW, JUST LIKE IT'S BEEN IMPLIED ALL ALONG, WELL I AM SHOCKED GUYS

So to make these robots they put together a team of scientists. WHO IS ON THIS TEAM? I'm pretty sure you can already guess. Gillian, Jamie, Prof. Modnar, and his son Elijah. ELIJAH EH? I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

Gillian was apparently a behavioral psychologist or something, which I guess explains the brilliant idea of making Snatchers obsessed with Moscow, thus revealing who made them to anyone who pays attention to what they're doing. GREAT JOB THERE, GILLIAN.

Jamie then became a zombie and ate your brains. Well not really.

Anyway, the project was top secret, but the US found out and conspired to stop it, so they sent Gillian, who was also a CIA agent as well as being a scientist and psychologist apparently, to infiltrate the project. Also that's why he's a Junker? My notes aren't quite clear here.

So is Gillian Snake or Big Boss? OR BOTH??

In 1996, the Chernobyl thingy popped, sending LuciferAlpha all over to kill everyone. THE CATASTROPHE!!

BUT WAIT, WAS IT GILLIAN'S FAULT?

Somehow Modnardad and Harry got found and picked up, but as for Jamie Gillian and Elijah, they decided to wait out the toxins in cryosleep. 48 years later (and three years ago) they were found, but Elijah's pod was empty.

ELIJAH IS ALIVE

AND HE'S THE ONE BEHIND THE SNATCHER MENACE!!

It better not be Random, seriously.

"YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN I'M ALIVE" and there he is, Elijah! Woah, he's old.

Okay, so Elijah isn't Random after all. That's good. He has a pretty boring voice.

what

Elijah sit up straight honey

Prof. Modnar died pretty much when you came in the door (did I mention that?), so Jamie is all ELIJAH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS YOUR DAD IS DEAD but Elijah seems to have taken the fast train to crazytown.

A MONOLOGUE EXPLAINING YOUR EVIL PLAN? I'D LOVE ONE

A STORY AS OLD AS TIME

Elijah says that 40 years made him evil, and as for what happened to him? JAMIE HAPPENED. CURSED WOMEN RUIN EVERYTHING. 57 years ago Elijah was in love with Jamie, and says he felt something with her (her being American and all) that he never felt with people from his own country, which has some somewhat unpleasant cultural fetishization undertones to it that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with.

lol nice >:( face Elijah

Anyway, Gillian showed up and RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ELIJAH, HE WAS ABOUT TO MAKE HIS MOVE HONEST, and he swept Jamie off her feet because he was also American. Elijah has some self-hate issues involving his nationality here, apparently. ANYWAY Elijah hated Gillian for it, no big surprise there, and then Jamie and Gillian formed babby. Gasp.

Elijah really enjoys talking about the two of them like they aren't in the room. I imagine he talks to himself a lot.

Anyway, the War ended and I guess they wanted to abandon the project since it kind of sucked, but Elijah refused because he was crazy. Jamie and Gillian were supposed to go home, but then Elijah found out he was a CIA agent and that they'd been sold out.

"Are you talking about us?"

Anyway, the project was 80% finished, but the skin ALWAYS THE SKIN was all messed up.

The original project called for them to Snatch an entire country, which is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. No wonder the Soviets wanted to scrap this dud.

Apparently, they developed Lucifer-Alpha so they could kill everyone in a country (I guess it would just magically know when and where to stop) and then replace them with Snatchers.

Then, as you might have guessed, Elijah blew up the entire thing and killed everyone and caused the Catastrophe, for no clear reason I have written here. He then hid everyone in the base beneath Moscow.

So then they went into the cryopods and were put to sleep and all. After ten years, the virus mutated suddenly (I would be SO paranoid I tell you), and since the pods were set to wake them up when it was safe, it did. Well, actually it only woke up Elijah.

Except he talks about being exposed to the evil virus and he never had the vaccine for it? Maybe that's what happened to his feet?

Anyway, he wanted to wake Jamie up so they could finish working on the Snatchers, and put Gillian to sleep forever, but then I guess he couldn't do it after all? I guess he had a crisis of conscience after killing untold millions of people through the virus, and he decided instead to have them sleep forever, since that's totally not the same thing.

He kept working on the Snatchers and staring creepily at Jamie and talking to her dead cryogenically-frozen body for forty years, until he finished the Snatchers three years ago.

Elijah kind of reminds me of a certain type of guy. Also of Locke from FF6.

Jamie, in response to this incredibly creepy confession, says "You poor poor man" in an incredibly insincere way. The thing is, I'm not sure if it was MEANT to be insincere, or the actress just read the line weird.

Either way wtf

Elijah chose Neo Kobe to start with because it was isolated, had lots of immigrants, and he could use the fear the Snatchers would create to exploit the natural Japanese xenophobia of other cultures. Wow, I really didn't think anyone would address that.

Of course, Elijah didn't know about the skin problem, so he went and enlisted his father to try and help him fix it. His father was all super old at that point and less than willing, as you can imagine. So then he went and woke up Jamie and Gillian for some reason, but then also let them get captured and escape from him. I have no idea why.

Elijah says he wants to learn more about humans. Gillian pulls out the classic "YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM THE WILD ARROGANCE THAT TYPIFIES MOST SCIENTISTS" line, WHY YOU DO THIS

Elijah does the whole speech again about how suspicion destroys human nature or something, blah blah, Snatchers have shown human weakness, blah blah, if we are to evolve as a species we need to embrace our Snatcher leaders, blah blah

oh what hath science wrought

YOU'LL NEVER GET THE PERFECT SKIN, MODNAR, YOUR SNATCHERS ARE CANCEROUS! AND SMELL BAD! BECAUSE OF THE CANCER!

Elijah says he already HAS the perfect skin, he just needs to analyze a sample and learn how to make new skin. Where would he get perfect skin from?

RANDOM!!! D:

Oh random darling what have they done to you

Also wait you're a Snatcher, how'd you survive a TNT explosion that was enough to decimate a building at point-blank range

RANDOM YOU ARE SO HARDCORE

OH RANDOM :<

This is hilarious guys. Okay. Elijah pretty much enslaved his dad to work on his Snatchers, right? In quite possibly the most PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MOVE EVER, his dad instead decides to make his OWN Bioroid without telling Elijah about it, and one that was 100x better than Elijah's Snatchers, and one that he would program to KILL Snatchers.

Which is hilarious right in itself, but apparently as a huge F--- YOOOOU to Elijah, he decided to model his new Snatcherkiller Bioroid AFTER ELIJAH HIMSELF WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, and then after building him RIGHT IN THE KREMLIN, OSTENSIBLY RIGHT WHERE ELIJAH WAS WORKING ON HIS OWN SNATCHERS, gave him his son's name backwards to complete the connection, and set him free.

Of course, since Random is super awesome he caused a ton of trouble for Elijah. AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THEN PROF. MODNAR GAVE RANDOM ELIJAH'S MEMORIES, AFTER HE VIRTUALLY MADE RANDOM OVERNIGHT, AND RANDOM WAS SO PERFECT THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS A ROBOT, RANDOM THOUGHT HE WAS REAL THE WHOLE TIME

I just

guys this is incredible

just

being so angry at your son you make a robot duplicate of him when he's young is just

so amazing

EVEN BETTER

ELIJAH SAYS "HOW LIKE MY FATHER, SILLY OLD MAN, MAKING A BIOROID REPLICA OF HIS SON"

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DID YOU AND YOUR FATHER HAVE, ELIJAH?

Gillian's all IS HE DEAD D:

Face it Gillian, you're completely robosexual.

Apparently Random's systems are all shut down. He's just scrap now. :< NO RANDOM COME BACK TO LIFE

Although this does kind of complete the Bladerunner reference.

They're going to use Random's perfect skin to finish the Snatchers. SO WHY KIDNAP JAMIE IN THE FIRST PLACE??

MY WILL ALONE WILL DEFINE HISTORY says Elijah

YOU EGOMANIAC Gillian responds

I WILL CREATE A FULLY-AUTOMATED SNATCHER FACTORY says Elijah

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY YOU CAN'T SNATCH THE PEOPLE'S HEART AND SOUL jamie says. lol

I WILL BE THE SAVIOR OF MANKIND, Elijah says

NOT IF METAL CAN HELP IT you know Jamie and Gillian, you guys can... you know... DO something anytime now.

Anyway, while Elijah calls Metal bizarre insults in a weirdly calm voice (souped up pocket calculator is one), Metal explains that everyone voted unanimously to nuke the heck out of Neo Kobe and that the military is imposing a quarantine, UNLESS

They strike the church with the laser beam, in which case they will lift the quarantine. Okay, sure.

You insignificant piece of metal, Elijah says in his weirdly calm voice.

WE HAVE TO STOP ALL THE SNATCHERS Gillian says, who is apparently constantly at least two conversations behind everyone else.

Elijah repeats, again, that he won't allow Metal to do this, yet does nothing to stop him. Okay, sure. Since Metal is the aiming point of the laser, he reasons that he can just throw Metal out of the church. HE DEFINITLY COULDN'T GET BACK IN HAHA PERFECT PLAN

OH NO! SNATCHERS!

GILLIAN, YOU HAVE A GUN, WHY DON'T YOU HELP METAL OUT A LITTLE BIT, JESUS

BUT THEN

A VOICE RINGS OUT

A FAMILIAR VOICE

THAT SAYS

"YOU ALWAYS WERE A PAIN IN THE BUTT!"

OH MY GOD CAN IT BE

CAN IT BE

:O!!!!1

OH MY GOD RANDOM IS STILL ALIVE! AND HE'S HERE TO SAVE THE DAY AGAIN BECAUSE GILLIAN'S INCOMPETENT! oh my god my dreams have come true

HE PUNCHED THROUGH HIS OWN GLASS TUBE GUYS HOLY S---

HOW AWESOME IS THAT

RANDOM YOU ARE SO AWESOME

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

LOOK AT THAT DEVIL-MAY-CARE GRIN ON HIS HALF-CYBORG FACE

Random says that he don't go down that easy, OLD MAAAAN thus helping crank up the sass level some much needed notches.

"Let's make our final moments peaceful, shall we? Touch the little guy and he dies!"

THANK YOU FOR DOING WHAT GILLIAN SHOULD BE DOING, JESUS

"I always hated being used. Why don't you stick around and watch the final act with me?"

"GILLIAN, RUN!"

Gillian is so aroused right now.

Elijah: Let me go, I'm your original!

Random: I don't care if I'm a clone or the original or what, you and I are both going to die!

Then I have some hahaha's in here but I don't know if that's me or Random. ANYWAY.

Random: IF WE BOTH DIE, THERE WON'T BE A COPY WILL THERE. IT'S MY WILL.

Elijah: Machines have no will!

Random: WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT

Random looks over to Gillian longingly.

"Even if these memories in my head are fiction..."

"Our memories of our time together are still real."

Thank you for cranking up the gayness a couple notches, Snatcher, I appreciate that.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN" Gillian says, desperately trying to sound relevant to the conversation.

"YOU'VE BECOME A GREAT JUNKER" Random says, "AND IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO HOLD THIS GUY I WOULD BE HOLDING YOU, IN MY ARMS. ARM."

"OH RANDOM"

Okay that last line is a bit embellished.

Awww little Metal there.

"It has been most recreational being your partner" Metal says. Awww NO WAIT METAL DON'T DIE NO

"Please pick up the pieces and put me back together, Gillian!" Metal pleads. DON'T DIE METAL I LIKE YOU NOOOO

Elijah: NOOOOOO DON'T LET HER GO

Random: YOU PATHETIC OLD FOOL, (and i swear to you guys I am not making any of this up, this is practically verbatim) YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE SOMEONE

Elijah: YOU STUPID MACHINE, WHAT'S THAT IDIOTIC GRIN SUPPOSED TO MEAN

Random: By snatching you, I'm going to get my real self back (??)

Metal: THANKS TO YOU, RANDOM, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE!

Yes, thanks to Random, the one competent person in the game. So does this make Random Grey Fox?

LATER KID Random says as Gillian runs out of the building

Well. That'll do it.

OH RANDOM :< YOU'RE MY HERO

|D

Gillian is, of course, leaving. HEY, WHY NOT. He's heading to Moscow to try and get his memories back, supposedly because then he will love Jamie even more. That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard to go trawling for tail.

Also he has to blow up that Snatcher factory. Okay that sounds legit. HE ALSO WANTS TO LIVE TOGETHER WITH JAMIE AGAIN! woo?

OH GOD IT'S KATRINA AGH NOOOO

Better be happy all these beautiful women came to see you! Ha ha ha! I'm not sure who says that but someone does. UGH GOD THIS IS LIKE THE ENDING OF DESIRE WHERE ALL THE WOMEN FIGHT OVER HOW WONDERFUL THE CHEATING JERK MAIN CHARACTER IS AAAAAAAAAAAGH

HAHA HI WOMEN I'VE FLIRTED WITH

THIS IS MY WIFE

THAT WON'T STOP ME FROM FLIRTING WITH YOU, BY THE WAY

I didn't write down a lot of the dialogue here, except that apparently Katrina, Mika, and Jamie talk to each other regularly. AWKWARD.

"Did you know I had to throw your husband out of my house because he kept trying to sleep with me? I'm 14!"

"Did you know your husband jumped me in the shower?"

"Did you know your husband offered to strip search me?"

aaaaaaaaaa

the audio for this bit

Woah I can do stuff again, huh.

You better be, you two-timing jerk.

And a lot of other women happy along the way too! Like these two here! Ha ha ha ha!

I don't really care that you don't want me to go, because what I decide is what's really important.

Okay, I can see that as parental if I squint and ignore everything else you've done in the past, alright.

GILLIAN NO YOU'RE GOING INTO PEDO TERRITORY AGAIN

By the way guys

You know how before when Gillian jumped her in the shower, her nipples were supposedly added by the American art team?

Yeah, apparently that's not true. THANKS JAPAN.

Although the American team DID take out the ability to steal her panties and sniff them, so plus one point for them.

:)

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

A really great job letting the Chief out of the HQ and then getting tied up with chains, yeah.

UNLIKE ALL THE OTHERS

DID we? I didn't really get that impression.

HAHA, HAVE YOU MET MY LOVELY WIFE?

SHE'S VERY FLEXIBLE.

WE HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE.

Wait, what ELSE could that mean? I really don't think I've ever heard "more than just friends" used in a kind of "NOW WE'RE LIKE BROTHERS!" scenario.

Who will hopefully protect you from Gillian.

GDIT JAMIE I REALLY HATE THIS CLICHE AND I WAS REALLY HOPING YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS AND

ASKIAGHAHG

Like the constant affairs I'll have with never-ending streams of women!

Well maybe they will, I dunno. ANYWAY BYE

PROTECT HER FROM PEDOPHILES, JAMIE

Jamie honey, keep up with the conversation

Big smiles everyone, act like you're happy.

And then another cinematic! Apparently this is their last mission or something. Alright? Oh wait, apparently hahahahahaha apparently they've decided that CRIME BY MACHINES IS A BIGGER THREAT THAN CRIME BY HUMANS hahahahahaha

Audio for this bit

Also hey, in the background it's playing that one midi I've had forever! I only recently found out it was from this game. :B Twilight over Neo Kobe i think it's called.

Katrina says she forgives you, and Mika says that she still wants to have dinner with you. AWKWARD? Gillian says yeah but also HAHA OF COURSE I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY WIFE TOO HAHA

Jamie says that "she and Harry" will be waiting for you, which, I don't know about you guys, seems pretty creepy to me. Like she's going to take that hat and start talking to it and give it its own room or something like that. JAMIE, SLOWLY BECOMING UNHINGED?

My beautiful Harryangel, with weird little angel paintings and photos all around the hat, set in its own special little shrine she talks to every day

WAIT, WAIT FOR MEEE a familiar voice calls out

METAL! :D He's been rebuilt! And he wants to come with you!

"But weren't you destroyed in the explosion?" Gillian asks.

"Random protected it from the blast from the beam," Metal says in the goofiest voice I've ever heard. Also, Random is categorically the best person ever. Just when I think he can't get any better!

Bye Jamie and the Credit Roll

Metal is all PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU

So Gillian is like ALRIGHT... PARTNER

Also there's a sneeze. NAPOLEON'S ALIVE? Wow I did not see that coming.

JUST CALL ME... METAL GEAR SEGA CD he says. lol Although that Sega CD has some add-ons that mine doesn't apparently. Maybe that hard-drive they mention at the beginning?

BYE HON, HAVE FUN WITH THE ROBOTS

And then Gillian and Metal flew off into the sunset, but I didn't cap that for some reason. DURRR.

DARN IT I thought it was salad dressing

Deep, Kojima.

wait what

kojima are you trying to warn us or something

YOU ARE A CRAZY SHINING STAR, KOJIMA

Hi Gillian, you failure at life.

Jamie? Katrina? I'll go with Jamie.

AKIRA YAMAOKA? I had no idea he worked on this. :O What do you know.

Jeremy Blaustein, why does that sounds familiar.

YEAH WOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU'RE SO AWESOME

I LOVE YOU

Aha, new voice actors! Or roles, whatever.

Sorry for feeling you up, Harry. You and Gibson are together in heaven now.

JAMIE NEEDS SOME CONDITIONER GUYS

Katrina please put on some pants

THANKS FOR PLAYING, sneers Gillian

Anyway I realized, after beating it, that I had managed to miss the caps of Random bustin out of his tube. THAT WILL NOT STAND. So I loaded and went through the entire HORRIBLE SHOOTING SEQUENCE AGAIN AND IT WAS TERRIBLE

So hey, what happens if you shoot Jamie!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Woops.

EVEN WORSE, IT WON'T LET YOU CONTINUE, YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN

AND SAVE STATES DON'T WORK WITH THIS EMULATOR

SO I HAD TO DO BOTH THOSE SHOOTING SEGMENTS AGAIN

ARRRRRRRRGH

And more optional dialogue! Huh.

And that's it! Hahahaha this was a lot of fun. I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED PLAYING IT.

As some added bonuses...

The Prologue done with some of the most hilariously bad voiceacting I have ever heard in my live. YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS.

And that one song that always reminded me of Xeen.

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