Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Kojima has a huge boner for Russia



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




Alright, this is what it's all been leading up to! The whole game's been pretty insane so far, but with Kojima, you never know what he might do next! We're heading into the home stretch, which means it's time for a huge cutscene explaining his completely ludicrous plotline! HOW LUDICROUS COULD IT BE, YOU ASK?

LET'S FIND OUT!

What am I going to do with all this junk? Maybe store it in the back of my car.

HI KONAMI BUILDING

Gillian please stop punching yourself in the face

Anyway MASSIVE INFODUMP ENSUES. I took notes as best I could, but my god these people can't shut up. Which is what I expected really, to be honest. As a result though I can't really remember who was saying what, so this might be kind of piecemeal.

People are coming to the Kyoto summit. Mika said it was a month ago at some point, and then someone said it was a week, and now it's today. WELL WHATEVER.

Apparently the last week, the majority of some ruling body, I'd assume, voted to quarantine Neo Kobe. Which is weird, since I'm pretty sure Neo Kobe is already under quarantine, but okay.

The Chief's death in the meantime has been confirmed (okay) and he's been stripped of Junker status. Well I should hope so, him being a killer robot and all.

In a SHOCKING TWIST, it's revealed that they're planning to use nukes on Neo Kobe to destroy the Snatchers. Seems a bit like overkill to me. APPARENTLY the Chief was going to calm everyone down at the Summit (which is also a bit hard to believe considering his crack team of a dead guy, a drunk, an idiot, and a pervert against untold hundreds of death robots), but the government pressure was increasing to take care of the SNATCHER MENACE.

Hilariously enough, Gillian was apparently Junker's last chance to prove that they could take care of the Snatcher menace. I THINK YOU GUYS BET YOUR MONEY ON THE WRONG HORSE.

Either way, the Army/FBI is coming to wipe out the entire place. I guess after the Nukes hit? Or they were going to wipe out Junker? Darn it, vague notes. Either way, everything will be decided in three hours. That's reassuring.

There's some fretting over whether or not they can find the Snatcher's hideout in time or not, and some comparisons to Neo Kobe being a tumor that needs to be excised or something, and everyone puts their faith in Gillian, which seems like a terrible idea if you ask me.

Anyway, they can't read Snatcher's memories after they die, so the Chief was no good. They can't really trace Jamie's call either, but they know it came from within the city. Alright, that's something I guess. Gillian still can't remember anything, so they start grilling Metal. Metal's super reluctant to talk at first, but eventually tells you that HE KNEW EVERYTHING AAAALL ALOOOONG

which makes one wonder "how" or "why" but whatever

Now we're getting somewhere!

Apparently, three years ago Gillian and Jamie were taken into custody by a bunch of Siberians. They were found in cryogenic pods in a bunker in Moscow. Kojima gets a hard-on. There was no record of when they were placed there, and the third pod was empty.

There was only one piece of evidence found at the site.

OOOOOOOOH WHO CALLED IT, WHO CALLED IT

I KNOW SOME OF YOU OUT THERE CALLED IT

Yes, Harry is Jamie and Gillian's son. Which makes my jokes about Gillian feeling him up a lot creepier in retrospect. I DIDN'T KNOW. D:

Apparently from the photo, they are Jamie and Gillian Lorraine, Americans born in the 1960s, who vanished without a trace in 1989. There's no info on either of them after that.

They come from a world that's 50 years gone, dun dun duuuun

When the 17th Siberian Whatever force came and found them, or something, they were all killed mysteriously, and they found a Snatcher with them. So Jamie and Gillian and the Snatchers are all connected. Thus why Gillian was assigned to Junker, since they hoped that being exposed to Snatchers would help him remember. WELL THAT'S A PLAN THAT DEFINITELY CAN'T BACKFIRE

Gillian and Jamie were the only witnesses to the Catastrophe, and Harry didn't know that Gillian was his dad. His death speech makes a lot more sense now. Someone puts the pieces together and says that Jamie said they had your boy, so they must know about Harry and are using him to threaten her. WELL.

BUT FIRST, LET'S RECAP IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN

X, for excellent. At killing Snatchers.

Aww you guys don't even say anything fun when I screw up. LAME.

Kojima was really all about the skin cancer in this.

WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE IS THIS

NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT A THING

FINE, BE THAT WAY

At this point, I figured most of the bad answers would just get me the same reprimands so I decided to play it straight.

We're still not really sure who bluelit this project, it was kind of dumb in retrospect.

SNATCHERS OR THE MILITARY, MAKE UP YOUR MIND

That would follow, yes.

Cheap plot contrivance?

GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. HOMESICK ROBOTS, JESUS. GET OUTTA HERE.

I GOT THIS ONE GUYS

Alright alright

Yeah sure why not

SO NOW WHO'S DUMB GILLIAN

YOU JERK

lololol snatchers get too depressed to go out, just sit inside and eat ice cream all day

lol

What a fabulous city.

COINCIDENCE?

Oh, back to this again.

Basically, the Snatcher's homing instinct tells them to set up somewhere that reminds them of their home/creator. This is getting totally ridiculous BUT LET'S GO WITH IT.

So you can see snow behind Jamie, and there's cold and snow in Moscow, so it'd have to be someplace that had cold and snow.

OR AT LEAST...

SNOW-9

So here's the area that has Snow-9

And here's the Tubeliners, since they gotta be near those to get around.

So they gotta be somewhere in this area!

GASP

WAS THIS MAP USEFUL THE WHOLE TIME

So obviously, their base must be where the Kremlin is. LET'S GO

Mika asks to come with you, saying that she's a Junker too. AFTER YOUR PERFORMANCE WITH THE CHIEF, I THINK I'LL PASS, THANKS.

Gillian does the obligatory NO YOU MUST STAY BEHIND WOMEN AND DO THE REAL IMPORTANT JOB... GUARDING THE HOMEFRONT and by that meaning that she has to to go the Kyoto Summit and tell everyone there that they found the Snatcher base and not to nuke Neo Kobe.

:<

Mika then asks you out to dinner. IS THIS REALLY THE TIME?

Gillian says "Mmmmm, Mika :]" in quite possibly the skeeviest way ever. He waffles a bit but then says yes. Awesome that on your way to rescue your kidnapped wife that you supposedly love, you have time to make dinner dates with the secretary. I really don't like you at all, Gillian.

And here's the audio for the cinematic!

THE LAST CHANCE... FOR LOOOOOOVE

It is my GOD GIVEN DUTY TO EXAMINE EVERY SQUARE FOOT OF EVERYTHING BEFORE DOING ANYTHING

Not like that OTHER paint job.

Then it will ignite.

It's just you and me, Gillian.

Just you and me.

Our last moments alone together. Touch me, Gillian.

Nikstlitslepmur: WE CAN STILL GET MARRIED GILLIAN
Nikstlitslepmur: THERES ENOUGH TIME
Nikstlitslepmur: THEYLL NUKE THE CITY IN THREE HOURS, WHO WILL THERE BE TO STOP OUR LOVE?!
Nikstlitslepmur: LETS DO IT GILLIAN
Nikstlitslepmur: YOU CAN DIE AGAINST THE SNATCHERS
Nikstlitslepmur: MISERABLE AND UNSUCCESSFUL
Nikstlitslepmur: OR DIE
Nikstlitslepmur: WITH ME
Nikstlitslepmur: WHO TRULY LOVES YOU
Nikstlitslepmur: IS IT REALLY A CHOICE GILLIAN
Nikstlitslepmur: IS IT
Zarla: METAL I CAN'T FOCUS WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS
Nikstlitslepmur: JAMIE NEVER LOVED YOU GILLIAN
Nikstlitslepmur: I KEPT IT A SECRET SO I WOULDNT HURT YOU
Nikstlitslepmur: BUT ITS TRUE
Nikstlitslepmur: IM THE ONLY OEN WHO REALLY CARES GILLIAN
Nikstlitslepmur: :))))))))))))))))))))))))
Zarla: DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT,I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT RIGHT NOW
Zarla: I JUST
Zarla: I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE OKAY
Zarla: I DON'T KNOW!!!
Nikstlitslepmur: :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Nikstlitslepmur: metal's screen
Nikstlitslepmur: just scrolls :)

Glad to see our last exploding Turbobike taught us a valuable lesson.

THERE IS NO BAD TIME FOR DAWDLING

Hey neat, new save message! Hmm.

Ever since someone mentioned how those controls look like hot dogs they make me hungry.

I WANT TO GET A BEER :[

There's something about a 50 year debt in three hours, whatever that's supposed to mean? Awesome note taking, self.

OH NO A SNOW STORM

A SNOW-9 STORM

I need to get my moonboots, hold on.

Smacks Gillian in the face

MAYBE, WHY

OH WELL I CAN SEE WHY NO ONE EVER NOTICED THAT

kojima seriously

NOTHING UNUSUAL IN YOUR AVERAGE CYBERPUNK DYSTOPIA

Would Snatchers really make good architects? Maybe they could be useful members of society if we just gave them meaningful employment.

MAYBE IT'S PATTERNED AFTER A DINNER NAPKIN, WHO REALLY KNOWS, HAHA LET'S GO IN

my nose is bleeding

except what but

FORESTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY, A WELCOME SIGHT IN ANY CYBERPUNK DYSTOPIA!!

Don't go into the woods, old man Snatcher will blow your brains out

OH METAL

"Hey Bob, do you see a church down there?"

"Do you always have to change the subject, Joe? I'm trying to have a serious talk with you here."

So built about when Jamie and Gillian disappeared then.

GILLIAN, NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER

Snatchers are beautiful masons and sculptors.

Unless it's at that other Russian Church down the street.

I'm so cold, Gillian. Hold me in your strong arms.

Finally.

The two of them combine power to knock down the door. DONK

THE INSIDE OF A CHURCH? WELL I AM BAFFLED SIR, THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED AT ALL

BUT WHAT WOULD A CHAPEL BE DOING INSIDE A CHURCH?

Also robots are religious, really

BUT WOULD A ROBOT PRAY IF IT DIDN'T HAVE A SOUL

WHAT WOULD IT BE PRAYING FOR

these are deep questions

CYRUS? What are you doing here

Cyrus has apparently dyed his hair.

WHAT

OH GDIT KOJIMA IF YOU MAKE RANDOM THE VILLAIN I AM GOING TO BE VERY ANGRY WITH YOU

Well that's convenient.

I've memorized his face, the curve of his jaw, those beautiful blue eyes, I'll never forget them

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE SO INTERESTED, GILLIAN, SINCE HE'S DEAD

AND I'M NOT

And the chair fights.

And this week's discussion of the Snatcher United Coalition: our annual Snatcher Potluck Dinner for Charity.

Kojima: UNF UNF UNF UNF

Except that cross. And that painting. And those stained glass windows. And that's pretty much all the decoration here, actually.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

WOW I DID NOT GET THAT UNTIL NOW SINCE I THOUGHT IT WAS MADNAR wow everything just all of a sudden clicked into place, woah

KOJIMA RANDOM BETTER NOT BE THE VILLAIN, SERIOUSLY

Kojima likes spelling things backwards, apparently.

He has a sassy look to him.

So did Random wake up with Gillian and Jamie and run off to be an awesome freelance unicycler? I could live with that.

"There are no crumbs on that chair!"

"I can feel them, Sherry, okay?!"

Placed... where?

NO HUMAN PUTS CHAIRS IN A ROW LIKE THIS

And god knows Snatchers litter all the time, they can't stop

OOOO TOYS I WANT ONE

BEST BE CAUTIOUS I SUPPOSE

These Snatchers represent the Lollipop Guild... OF DEATH

Gillian is so desperate to contribute something to the conversation that he just keeps echoing whatever Metal says. Oh Gillian.

Especially you, Gillian. You loser.

No!

Really? Those look kind of uncomfortable.

GENDER UNITS? REALLY?

I guess just in case someone wants to have sex with a Snatcher just to see.

MINT CONDITION VERY RARE!!! PLZ L@@K

Oh that's it.

Just like you two dorks were!

gasp

OR RUSSIA IS IN ON IT BUT THEY COULD ALSO BE SNATCHED!

Oh no wait everyone in Russia is dead, nevermind

WOO LET'S GO

This is reminding me of something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Wait, I got it!

Wow, that was a quick guess for Gillian Seed.

Metal this is no time for zen koans

WOOPS

My notes here are pretty sparse. Basically Snatchers adjust rods so they can Snatch people, which is why they can't snatch old people or children. Well.

I guess those rods in the stomach? There was a TON of technobabble here, you don't even know.

They actually shifted over to the next pod, but it's hard to tell that with these.

TADAAAAH

Darn, I wanted to play pinata.

To prevent albinos, I guess? I dunno.

OR ARE THEY??

Woop cinematic. Basically, they assemble the Snatcher in Russia, use the Siberian team to transport it in, adjust them here to whoever they want to Snatch, then send them out via Tubeliner. A PERFECT SCHEME.

There's some guy who's president of something or other

And another guy who's president of something or other

And some other guy. Gillian seems shocked by- wait, this is supposed to be Gillian? REALLY? A SIXPACK? I THINK THEY HAVE THE WRONG GUY

Gillian I'll needs some time alone with Snatcher you.

MY GOD I forget what he says here, but my notes say his voice acting is hilariously inappropriate for the face he's making. Haahahaha.

THIS IS A DIFFERENT MATTER ENTIRELY NOW THAT I COULD BE SNATCHED!

Anyway, apparently the snatchers PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT duuuuuh Gillian, but Metal says that the Military is planning on using a laser to shoot the facility. Just like in Akira! Neat!

Gillian needs more time though, and tells Metal to get outta there and give them his message, since he can't transmit due to the Snow-9 or something. How did he recieve that message then?

ANYWAY, METAL NOOO COME BACK

OH F--- YOU, SQUIGGLIES

I REALLY HATE THESE THINGS GUYS ARRRRRGHHH

I wonder if they were the pseudo-inspiration for the Squigglies in MGS4? HMM.

ANYWAY

THIS PART CAN BURN IN HELL

AND I HAD TO DO IT LIKE THREE TIMES more on that later

FINALLY

OH NO SNATCHERS

Interestingly enough, this part is WAY easier than the Squigglies above. No problem here.

I DIDN'T TAKE A LOT OF CAPS OF THESE PARTS SORRY I WAS TRYING TO STAY ALIVE

FINALLY, JESUS

HEY JAMIE

Love yooou

I actually was waiting for something to pop out behind her, like Mika and the Chief. NO DICE?

Alright, now here we go. THE FINAL CUTSCENE.

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