Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Goodnight, Sweet Prince



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged. There's a decaying body in this one!




In our last episode, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

IT SEEMS WE'RE IN A BIT OF A PICKLE

Attempts to shift the turbocycle into manual all fail! We're flirting with disaster!

This seems like the best option.

I'M SCARED WAAAAA

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING I'M JUST A ROBOT AAAAAA is it just me or does this line read in a really sarcastic voice for anyone else

OH NO IF GILLIAN GIVES UP WELL IT MUST BE IMPOSSIBLE

Or we'll both just die, there's that.

Gillian closes his eyes and pictures the sweet, sweet lever.

I'd do it, but i'm real busy with my hands sitting on the completely-for-show steering wheel.

SHODDY WORKMANSHIP! The future. >:(

THAT WAS MY ONLY IDEA, OH WELL

YEAH, ALRIGHT!

TUCK AND ROLL, GILLIAN! TUCK AND ROLL!

Well I don't see YOU coming up with any better ideas, Metal.

That bridge fell down, remember?

Metal, you're kind of a pessimist.

SOMEHOW

Sorry was I reading the situation wrong, it's just wanted to feel your embrace before we die

OOOO MORE OPTIONS

THESE ALL LOOK LIKE GOLD

WELL THEN TAKE IT OFF THE LIST

WANT ME TO GET ALL CONFUSED, JEEZ

This cannot fail.

There are just huge cliffs lying around in Neo Kobe?

8U

Metal makes this squeaky little distressed sound, haha.

WELL I'M OUT OF IDEAS

THIS TIME IT'LL WORK FOR SURE

FINE MAYBE I'LL TRY SOMETHING ELSE

Metal I hope you don't ever work for a Suicide hotline or something.

NEO KOBE HAS LONG, FEATURELESS STRETCHES OF ROAD CUTTING THROUGH THEM, WE'LL BE FINE

They could be on the freeway though, I guess that's not too unusual.

IF WE HIT A KITTEN AT THIS POINT WE'RE DONE FOR

I'm glad Neo Kobe has lots of these lying around.

Did you just say eeyaah

ALL OF THESE PLANS ARE GOLD! I DON'T GET IT!

WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING ANYWAY

Metal now you've got Gillian doing it

I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT HOBO WOULD SLOW US DOWN A LITTLE

The Brake Button, yes!

I WANTED TO DIE WITH THE SWEET DULCET TONES OF MOTORHEAD IN MY EARS, OKAY

WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THAT BUTTON!?

There are other situations where you'd see Gillian make that face, and you probably don't want to be in any of them.

AND 23% OF 200KPH IS... i dunno

PRAY TO GOD?! I CAN PRAY TO GOD?!

well first i have to exhaust my other options

Oh thank god.

WELL YOU SHOULD, OTHERWISE YOU'D BE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!

I think I chose Pray to God at this point but I missed it since the options were acting all screwy. OH WELL.

Please... kiss me before we die...

I'll pray to God, and you can pray to the manufacturer of your motherboard! Which would be Harry, who might be a Snatcher. You know what, just pray to god for me okay.

I'm a robot.

I didn't like their rules.

I'VE SEEN WHAT YOU DO ON SUNDAYS, GILLIAN.

I SEE IT ALL.

OH KOJIMA ♥

Hit the control panel, eh? NOT UNTIL I'M DONE PRAYIN TO KOJIMA

GOD

what did i say

Ha ha ha ha.

Okay, it's time to exercise our option.

My notes around this point are a bit sparse, BUT NOTHING'S WORKING

WE'RE GOING TO DIE WE'RE GOING TO DIE WHY DO I HEAR SOMETHING COMING UP ALONGSIDE THE TURBOCYCLE

HEY EVERYONE IT'S RANDOM HAJILE :DDDDD

come to save the day!

He seems confused/incredulous that Gillian would be dumb enough to get into such a situation, and tells him to jump over to his bike.

No self-respecting bounty hunter drives a car.

Gillian tells Metal to jump first, who has a little mini robot panic attack at the very thought. I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T

Gillian grabs Metal and hurls him out the window. YES YOU CAN!

Metal perches daintily on Random's shoulders.

Gillian's next! Here's the transcription of my notes.

"GILLIAN JUMP

JUMP NOW

NO

JUMP

METAL ALL EEEE

JUMP

NO"

I'm assuming I missed some subtlety here BUT BASICALLY GILLIAN DIDN'T JUMP FOR SOME REASON despite everyone telling him to do it. Waiting for Random to get close enough? I dunno. ANYWAY

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HA HA, EVERYTHING'S OKAY! Gillian why can't you follow directions.

Anyway, Random seems to take this all in stride and also seems to know what's going on, so you head on to Queens Hospital. If I remember right, Metal says you can just hang there the whole way because you... I dunno, Metal just feels vindictive, I forget.

HERE WE ARE, BACK AT THE HOSPITAL

And to my utter delight, it looks like Random is going to stick around with us! :DDDD Yaaaaay Random yaaaaaaaaay

Anyway, Random is all SO THIS IS THEIR BASE, EH in his ridiculous john wayne voice

Gillian, in a bizarre moment, warns Random that this isn't a field trip and asks him if he knows what he's getting into. RANDOM'S ONLY KILLED LIKE FIVE SNATCHERS, INCLUDING ONE THAT WAS ABOUT TO KILL YOU GILLIAN, I THINK HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

We can talk to Random now and everything! :D :D I am seriously jazzed about this guys.

And all those cars are just... there for no reason, alright.

Oh yeah, Jamie mentioned something about this, that it was built over the subway, thus the whole underground base thing.

I never did find that pirate treasure I was looking for.

Oh Random ♥ ♥

:B

Then I can feel you up in there. I mean.

No Snatchers so far. HMMM.

THANK YOU RANDOM i was just worrying about this myself the last time I was in here. I'm glad someone pointed it out.

I'LL GO IN THE THIRD ROOM WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT

Okay guys I get it let's move on okay

HEY RANDOM :D

Gillian staring at Random all expectantly, a huge :D plastered across his face. Please let him say he thinks its cool, let him say I did a good job

That bacon-y perfume smell, unmistakable.

METAL YOU'RE INTERRUPTING OUR MOMENT TOGETHER

Now leave me and Random alone, he's clearly interested in me.

FINE >:(

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I want to get Random's opinion on the entire place!

WHERE ARE ALL THE ROBOTS FOR ME TO KILL

There's got to be some reason for this slidey room action. Darn it.

I'll do surgery on YOU, Random.

Sexy surgery.

Anoth- what?

Operating tables, horrible stuff.

FINE, IF YOU INSIST.

Yeah, just like a dentist.

RANDOM DON'T DRINK THE SPECIMENS

OH RANDOM

I got places to be, people to screw, guys to chase over rooftops

STOP INTERRUPTING ME AND RANDOM, METAL

Like the robosexual one you're stuck in, Gillian! Haw haw!

PLEASE AGREE WITH ME I NEED YOUR VALIDATION SO BADLY RANDOM

TELL ME I'M RIGHT, RANDOM!!1

UWAAAAAAGH

I LOVE YOU RANDOM HAJILE!1!!

marry me

Okay FINE I'll go in the last room whatever

Is that my hand in your pants? My mistake.

[insert joke about "going down" here]

You go down REAL well!

I don't remember if i mentioned this before, but it plays this weird little sparse, tinkling theme when you use the light. It's kind of catchy.

I'll just stand right behind you, and rest my hands on your hips, and draw you closer to me.

METAL SHH

HA HA HA I WAS RIGHT IT WAS THE SAME VASE AFTER ALL

I GOT IT GUYS, OKAY

So Random doesn't know what this is either! Hmm.

RANDOM WHAT DO YOU THINK

And if the lights are on it won't work for some reason.

It's not another one of those genital manipulators, right?

And take your clothes off, Snatchers can sense that, you know.

UNF UNF UNF what

I KNEW IT.

Well you all sure put your clothes back on in a hurry.

MY DEDUCTIVE SKILLS TELL ME THIS IS A BASEMENT

WHAT DO WE DO NOW GILLIAN Random says in a distinctly mocking tone, as if just asking for Gillian to rip his clothes off with that flirtatious look.

lol

Then up, and then diagonally???

So what, the Snatchers come up here, dust right up to the trapdoor, and then just never use it?

Why would they store their files in the part of the hospital that's supposedly "abandoned", anyway?

They play catch on it sometimes.

Snatchers would probably weigh more than humans, I'm guessing.

LET'S ALL GO DOWNSTAIRS, IT'LL BE FUN!

Gillian asks who'll take point, and Random says that it should obviously be the guy with the light. Metal squeaks in protest but does as they say.

WHAT'S THIS, A PALETTE SWAP??

Anyway, because Kojima can't get enough of this apparently, everyone feels the need to repeat over and over that THIS MUST BE THE REAL FRONT OF THEIR OPERATIONS, AND THE ONE UPSTAIRS MUST BE FAKE! I GOT IT, KOJIMA, OKAY? I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT. I'm way ahead of you game.

Random I think also throws around "it's like they're parallel wooorlds" and it's like haha well that's one excuse for a recolor I guess.

Lazy artists, or intentional symbolism? YOU DECIDE!

Gillian, stop drooling on my shoulder.

...Gillian, why don't you sit over there and play with your ball, okay?

COULD BE SNATCHERS ABOUT

I can, and it's hilarious.

Why DO robots always live in sterile environments? Would they really care that much?

They have huge sex orgies on this floor, of course.

A DUN DUN DUUUUN

Probably something in the other rooms.

DURRRR

Woah, Phantasy Star flashback all of a sudden.

Thanks for that, Gillian.

OOOOOOOOOOOOH

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE SNATCHER

I'M ON TO YOU

Or when the Snatchers get bored and want to have neutron fights.

!

Oh well that's assuring

METAL ARE YOUR SENSORS EVER USEFUL AT ALL

Random says, lighting a cigarette and not even pretending to be interested in what Gillian's saying.

What are you, some kind of psychopath

YOU'LL REGRET THOSE CAVALIER WORDS, RANDOM

There are so many weird things about this sentence.

:O

I HOPE

AND IT SEEMS TO BE MADE OF METAL FOR SOME REASON

Except you just said

never mind

It bobbles those eyeballs around!

Burn it all to the ground, Random.

NO GENITAL MANIPULATORS THIS TIME?

So would macro-surgery just be a machete or

The Mutter Museum! Ha ha! cough.

Hey, Bob, catch! Ha ha! It's an eyeball!

BUT WHY WOULD SNATCHERS BE DOING THAT?!

Random quietly sobs to himself. His best friend was a tumor.

SNATCHERS LIKE RED, WHAT

hahahahahahahahaha

hahaha

Can shoot genes over 200 kilometers away!

And the last horse crosses the finish line.

Automatic pipetting? How lazy ARE Snatchers?

Large Snatcher Collider.

Gillian says, hoping his parroting of what Metal just said will impress Random.

Streak cameras are great on a college campus.

Wait what

Huh.

What government did you think was behind the Snatchers, Gillian?

Like those eyeballs that just keep bobbling around, that's probably not normal.

Wait, GAS sterilizer?

P4?

Gillian, you can use question marks with Random, he won't think less of you for it.

Random's bored of this already.

WOOPS

Really

You two are such babies.

Anyway wandering around trying to find the button for the door and UH OH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I'm glad Snatchers just stand there while you shoot at them.

I again have to remind you guys that it's SUPER hard to take screencaps and shoot these things at the same time. You don't even know.

SUCCESS!

Anyway, they talk about Snatchers. Gillian, I think, says something about how this is what they really look like without their skin. DOY, GILLIAN. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Random seems to know that this is what they look like. Probably killed enough of them to know.

Anyway, if I remember right and according to my notes, someone throws out the line BUT ISN'T THAT HUMANITY'S GREATEST WEAKNESS, THAT WE JUDGE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS? and hahahahahaa.

DUUUUUUH I KILLED IT REAL GUD DUUUUUUUUH

hay guys what's goin on

There was another shooting sequence here, and I really tried to get some caps, but I just couldn't manage to get some and shoot at the same time this time around. DANG.

yukyukyuk

You're kind of a moron, aren't you.

FRIGGING SCREENCAP BUTTONS THEY'RE REALLY CLOSE TO THE ARROW KEYS OKAY

You really only need one, since one nearly killed Gillian a while ago until you came and saved him.

Burning oil ugh

I WILL, RANDOM!

Anyway, confused, I kept poking around to try and figure out how to open the third door.

This is the third door, by the way.

No, the morgue that serves ice cream WHAT DO YOU THINK, GILLIAN

Hmmmm.

That is a good point though.

And you're scaring me!

Haha, I remember when I was waiting for that, good times.

THANK YOU RANDOM finally someone here figures it out, I was getting frustrated.

Random even solves puzzles for you! I kind of love you, Random.

Anyway, there's some thing here about how this is like how they safeguard nukes, in that you have to press both at the same time and therefore need two people to do it. That doesn't seem like the best safeguard in the world to me, but hey, who knows. Also gives Kojima a chance to talk about nukes, which he can't get enough of.

There's an ominous warning that they must have something really important behind that door to have that kind of safeguard for it. alright, whatever.

Oh, thanks for that, Snatcher.

MY GOD

Okay, if I remember right, the discussion here goes down something like this. These are, of course, the bodies of the people they've snatched. If they've really only snatched four people then the Snatchers really kind of suck at their jobs.

Random says "If you need to hide a book, hide it in a library. If you need to hide a body, hide it in the morgue" which is... I don't even really know what to say to that. wtf.

Anyway, the Snatchers snatched Freddy because he was a taxi driver and therefore made it easy for them to scope out potential Snatchees. He was also connected to Plato's Cavern and Outer Heaven, so he had lots of VIP ties, and the Masquerade hour made it easy to snatch people.

But enough of that, let's look around!

Is there really a huge difference between a closet of dead bodies and a morgue?

And Pinochle, there's that too.

Well I'm obviously going to have to go through that now.

Except... not really?

Definitely crawling through this.

KOJIMA, ATTENTION TO DETAIL!

Well now we're getting somewhere.

I learned something today!

Except there are clearly still maggots in that one? Whatever.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT BODY HAS TEETH??

THANK YOU RANDOM

Metal secretly just doesn't want to touch them.

So what, do Snatchers just punch dead people in the mouth a lot?

OH WELL I GUESS WE BETTER GO HOME

THERE'S AAAAALLWAYS A WAY

YOU GOTTA KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT

THERE IS AAAAALLWAYS A WAY

YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Man you Snatchers are not very thorough. IF YOU JUST CREMATED THE BODIES THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM

But before I do that I have to look at everything first to make sure I didn't miss anything.

I am going to be inside you, duct.

Meanwhile, Random and Metal just stare at Gillian.

I CAN TELL YOU MORE, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED

Alright alright, let's go

IT'S THAT GUY WHO ALMOST KILLED ME! Thanks for bailing me out by the way, Random. I'm kind of a failure.

What's her face, torn face chick!

This guy is Chin Shu Oh apparently, dude who runs the Snatcherospital. The music that plays during the reconstruction bits is pretty nice, by the way.

AND OUR FINAL BODY THAT WAS KILLED IN THE LAST MONTH...

DUN DUN DUN that doesn't really look like him

ITS THE CHIEF!!1

And... I didn't write down what Random said here, sorry. Let's say he's telling Gillian to stop touching him and shrieking like a girl.

So this dead guy is the chief. So the Chief's been a Snatcher for a month, huh. Does that mean he was a Snatcher by the time I got there? When did Gillian even join up at this point?

So does this mean that the Chief was watching Gillian bumble around like a moron and laughing about it? Does this mean he hired Gillian because he knew Gillian was so stupid he'd never find the real secret of the Snatchers? Is that why he gave you hints the whole time, and was concerned about Katrina, and sad about Gibson, and told you about your history? Why did he have a picture of the Red Square in his office, are all Snatchers required to keep a bit of Russia with them at all times?

SURELY THIS WILL ALL BE EXPLAINED IN DUE TIME

In the meantime, Gillian puts two and two together and realizes that the Chief was the one who cut the brakes to his Turbocycle. And that both Harry and Mika are in danger, especially Harry since he apparently had figured out that the Chief was a Snatcher (took him long enough?) and left you that note to tell you before he went after him. The Chief apparently set up Harry by leaving the matches in his room.

Odds might be good that Harry is dead, guys.

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU stop touching my butt, Gillian

duh?

Whuh uh

Someone with a terrible Chinese accent tells you that THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE, JUNKER!!!

OH NO

HELP I'VE BEEN SHOT MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE JUST STOOD THERE

I kind of missed it but he drops his gun here. Gillian you are really terrible at this.

The owner of that handsome crotch gets shot in the thigh. RANDOM NOOO

Wait how did

the blood

but he was

the other

wait

wait a minute that *head pops*

Quick guys huddle together for warmth and take your clothes off

Okay a really huge cutscene went down at this point, so I'm going to try and remember most of it as best I can. I took some notes as best I could while everyone was babbling. :B

Random how did blood get on THAT side of your face

OKAY It's time for the evil mastermind to explain their evil plot.

Where to start. Okay, they say that the second phase is complete, and their artificial skin is ... finished or they're on the verge of finishing it, since they allied with a new partner, whoever that is.

They say they'll move in force to take over the world once they make sure they're done with their experiment (which I assume is Neo Kobe but hey).

CHIN SHU OH WHY DON'T YOU HAVE PUPILS D:

So basically, the Kyoto Summit is being held tomorrow (wtf Mika said it was a month from now), and the Chief is going to be speaking at it. They'd known for three months that he was going to, so they snatched him so they could exploit his position and attack. And there was a lot of basic ha ha ha take over the world type stuff in here with the usual YOU FIEND type responses.

Chin Shu Oh says that they're an "evolved lifeform" given life in the Kremlin by their creator, Dr. Madnar, and they're a new race. AHA RUSSIAN CONNECTION and lol Kojima namedropped Madnar in MGS4. Raiden's a Snatcher?! Apparently their goal is to snatch all the World Leaders and then unite all races and control human thought. There's a kind of uncomfortable undertone to this with that uniting all races thing.

Chin Shu Oh then directly compares Snatchers to Nazis, in that their strategy is to weaken the spirit of the people, and heck I'll just paste it from my text file at this point. "we'll strike at the weakest point, your suspiciousness and fear of each other, we will destroy your human spirit and then exploit it, ruin your trust, fear is your weakpoint, the primitive part of your brains" so you know, something like that. Wow, the plot just spilled all over us.

There's this neat music playing at this point, kind of a nice guitar riff.

Random tells you to get out of here, you're a Junker, and, to my horror, that he's got a fireworks show and doesn't want to get snatched. RANDOM NO OH GOD NO NO NO NONO

Gillian tells him NO WE'RE BETTER OFF FIGHTING TOGETHER RANDOM

And Random responds with MAN I WAS SHOT IN THE LEG, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN SHOT IN THE HEAD, GO WITHOUT ME. I WASN'T DOING THIS JOB FOR FUN, I WAS PREPARED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS

and at this point I should probably just switch to script format

Gillian: NO I CAN'T LET YOU

Random: MY BELT IS PACKED WITH TNT, THIS WHOLE PLACE WILL GO UP IN FLAMES. I'VE GOT A STROBE THAT'LL MESS UP THEIR SENSORS, GET OUTTA HERE JUNKER BOY RUN

Chin Shu Oh: are you two done

Random: RUN JUNKER BOY I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Gillian: NOooooo

Chin Shu Oh: Why do I keep letting you two have long conversations TIME TO DIE

Random: GET READY GET IN THE SHAFT (hurr hurr shaft)

Gillian: METAL, STAY WITH ME, RANDOM... OH RANDOM GOD NO...I NEVER GOT TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL

Random: SORRY GILLIAN, I WON'T BE ABLE TO CALL IN THAT DEBT YOU OWE ME AFTER ALL

Gillian: I'LL PAY IT BACK TO THE SNATCHERS WITH INTEREST!!! (lol)

Random: RUN GILLIAN

Gillian: I LOVE YOU RANDOM

Random: WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING

(note: some parts of this may be paraphrased)

RANDOM NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LIKE YOU MORE THAN GILLIAN DON'T DO THIS NOO NOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

sob

Metal's voice circuits get all screwy after the explosion, although the duct somehow shielded them from the blast. So Random was the one who actually blew up the Snatcher hospital and destroyed their base of operations while Gillian dinked around ineffectually and did nothing. I think it's time we accepted that the hero of Snatcher is Random. Gillian:Pumaman::Random:Vadinho

You're not Random.

I miss Random.

I want Random back.

A Snatcher fell down the duct while doing its laundry.

STOP ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS WITH QUESTIONS

And I had to stop here as much as I didn't want to since I was at like, 998 caps and if i go over 1000 the numbering gets all screwy. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? A DRAMATIC SHOWDOWN WITH CHIEF AT THE KYOTO SUMMIT? FINDING HARRY'S DEAD BODY? RANDOM COMING BACK TO LIFE TO SAVE THE DAY AGAIN please please please

WHO KNOWS!! I guess we'll find out together!

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