Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Does this mean I'm not getting that promotion



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




In our last episode, Gillian was a filthy pedophile. And also uncovered the secret Snatcher headquarters in an abandoned hospital. Which was abandoned, so he just gave up and left instead of torching the place. HOWEVER we did find a clue, and it's time to call up our informant and see what it means!

WILL IT BE...

A SHOCKING TWIST?!

Man I can't believe I've only played it for this long.

Looking at these numbers, I should be making another backup at some point.

SCREW THE PLOT LET'S CALL JAMIE

Too busy for you, Gillian.

Not like me.

I always have time for you, Gillian.

Sup Jamie remember how you were supposed to look up that hospital for me thanks for getting back to me on that

And now you are the apprentice, and I am the master.

Maybe not, I don't remember really. OH WELL.

GET BENT

i mean, i love you

I was actually telling the hot lady behind you that she had nice cans for a 14 year old. I like em young.

You're chasing killer robots for a living, cheer up!

Because there are some people I've been kind of seeing on the side and I want to know if you're cool with that.

It would help if you'd STOP CALLING ME

Like the future memory of you walking in on me cheating on you with the girl down the street! What a wonderful moment that'll be!

I find you kind of repellent, to be honest.

Given that it has what seems to be a 100% kill rate at this point.

It's a very common occurence, happens everyday.

Or that the government made a mistake when they made me a Junker, or whatever. I LOVE KILLING PEOPLE, JAMIE. ROBOTS, DRUG ADDICTS, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME WHEN THEY'RE DEAD

Shoving my gun in hoodlum's mouths, sleeping with strippers, flailing ineffectually at killer robots with my stringbeany arms until someone capable comes and rescues me, I finally feel like myself.

My inner self wants cocaine!

Fate? In a Kojima game? Naaaaaaaaaaah

I dunno, we just fell off that zeppelin, I thought that was an accident.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH JAMIE

Oh yeah anti-cancer drugs, those are real popular, along with the anti-AIDS pill and no-die chewable capsules.

The thing! And the stuff! Chemotherapy! Waaaugh!

Get the TNT.

BUT FIRST

Okay now let's ask.

Could he be... A HOSPITAL DIRECTOR?

So if you ever want anti-cancer drugs just call Neo Kobe Pharmaceuticals, they'll apparently sell them to any random person on the street if they ask nicely enough.

MY BET IS THAT NO IT PROBABLY WON'T BE

LOVE ME JAMIE

DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU

Because i'll KILL YOU

AND MYSELF

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT

But if I don't guilt you into having sex with me, how will I EVER get laid?

You can't smell the chloroform from here.

Mostly because I'm thinking of you dead.

Yes, I know about you and your little rag trick, Gillian.

Dang, I missed this, but I showed her my money, and it had a little weird conversation that slipped by me. I ONLY SAVED THIS BIT OF IT, SORRY

I can't remember what they said, other than Gillian snapped at Metal for some reason.

Please don't reach through the viewscreen and take it from me.

EVERYBODY JUST QUIT ALL AT ONCE

THE FUTURE!!

I'll make you pay, Gillian. You don't want to make me angry.

AND IT DEFINITELY DOESN'T HAVE ANY SIDEEFFECTS OR IS ADDICTIVE IN ANYWAY

BEEP HONK HONK

So Jamie doesn't know what this thing is either, hmm.

WHATEVER, THAT GOT ME NOTHIN. I guess I should actually advance the plot.

NO NOT YET

Remind me not to go to the doctor in Neo Kobe.

There was that test tube baby, but we took that away from him.

Okay fine I guess I'll call Napoleon

A little message plays saying that the number is no longer in service. :O

PERHAPS

Let's not say it outloud, it can blossom between us silently as a sign of our love.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT OTHER TOWN, WHERE PEOPLE WERE ASLEEP ON THE STREETS AND DEAD

It was STATUTORY!

You just seem to make a lot of them! And they involve pubescent children!

My parole officer is really getting on my case about that.

Except your feelings, your feelings are bad and wrong.

Showing Mika my BENJAMINS

They have a monopoly on Bliss but once they're gone it'll be good times again.

IT'S LIKE CIGARETTES ARE ADDICTIVE OR SOMETHING, HOW WEIRD

Please be gone forever.

And you'll never see her again.

Let me comfort you. I'll always be there for you, Gillian.

Always.

Shh, don't talk about her, darling. It's just us now.

And you will always be alone, unless you're with me, Gillian. I'll make sure of it. I'm the only person you'll ever need.

I missed the setup for this. NEW CONVERSATIONS COMING AT ME OUT OF NOWHERE

Buy me a new bathroom, Gillian, or I'll kill you.

Another new thing. I think I was looking at the sink.

CAN YOU FEEL MY SARCASM, GILLIAN? COME CLOSER. DON'T CRINGE.

A moonscape? Never really thought of it that way but alright.

BACK TO THE PLOT, I GUESS

I HAVE EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF MASKS, GIVEN I USE THEM TO STALK LITTLE GIRLS

Aww, no more Moai mask.

I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!

Crazy... for you.

Not like those imaginary ones that hang around my apartment and drink beer and set things on fire.

DISGUSTING MEAT PUPPETS

Snatchers want to get everyone wasted at a party?

YEAH I GOT YOUR PROOF RIGHT HERE, THE 9MM POKING INTO YOUR RIBS

FRICK WHAT IN MY INVENTORY IS PROOF FRICK

Oh wait nevermind.

HA HA BURN

Gillian stop beating your little robot

AHA!

Wow Napoleon you just rolled right over there, jeez.

MAN Napoleon has the worst voice actor, he seriously sounds completely drunk.

Anyway, from my notes Napoleon says something about being a master of disguise or something.

Gillian says it was obvious that it was him because of the sneezing and such. Napoleon compliments him on being observant or something. Well I guess.

ACHOO

Gillian tells him to take the mask off.

Never mind, could you put that back on?

We also finally find out the meaning behind Napoleon's name. It's because "winter gets the best of you", i.e. Napoleon suffered a huge defeat in winter, and this Napoleon's allergic to Snow 9 during winter and is always sneezing. AND NOW YOU KNOW

AUGH

Gillian you suck at flirting.

Then I could go sleep with her, and it'd be great. I love my wife, by the way!

I will file this away under "important information".

I JUST CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS OFF OF YOU, NAPOLEON

Ha ha, the joke's on you, I don't have any friends!

Except that anteater at the table there, but he's cool.

Let's talk about floral arrangements!

Do it because I tell you!

Except mine. It's always on, Gillian.

I watch you poop.

Wait, there was a war? I thought a whole bunch of nukes just blew up and then Snatchers came and killed a bunch of people. NO WAIT NOW I REMEMBER never mind.

Man, to be young again, huh?

Wait a minute, how old is Napoleon supposed to be, and how long ago did the Catastrophe happen? Well, if he's the same age as Harry or so, that makes sense. EH WHATEVER, CHRONOLOGY, BORED NOW

GASP!

Someone got their head cut off on the Lightsaber Twirlaround, it was terrible.

Hmm.

SO OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN READ CHINESE!

Napoleon was a science major? Man, what dark road did you go down, Napoleon?

lol

So I wrote down B N S O N

THAT'S THE ONLY NAME THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME, LET'S PUT IT IN

And I got it right! :O Huh. Gillian explains the puzzle in case you forgot what you were doing right after solving it.

BENSON! WOOO! Who's Benson?

Metal reminds me, and possible all you guys out there unless you've got a better head for names than me, that we know TWO people named Benson.

HARRY BENSON

AND

BENSON CUNNINGHAM

So it's the Chief or Harry! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN

Gillian tells Metal to immediately cut off all connection to HQ, although it seems a bit late for that. WHOOPS. We've got to go back and investigate this immediately!

Gillian tells Napoleon to be careful, because if he's killed he won't be able to sneeze anymore (???). Both me and Napoleon reacted to this bizarre comment with confusion.

Eh, let's make a pitstop.

YOU'RE SO PICKY

CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN

DEAD ALL DEAD

Well that's not suspicious.

Gillian you're not an owl.

YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO MURDER ME

But enough about that, let's talk about me.

DOES THAT MAKE YOU HOT

I COULD BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW

HOW TURNED ON ARE YOU

It's easy to SAY that, but wait until you see the charges.

My best friends are presidents!

Don't be a Snatcher or anything!

Get that youthful idealism out of your ears and listen up!

Killing people and taking them over, yeah.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

He took some boobytraps for your apartment with him. I mean, oops.

Next month, huh? Hmmm.

You're prime Snatcher material, Mika! Wise up!

I mean I've known them for years and you for a day, but it's the exact same thing!

Right around when Snatchers began killing people.

HA

PAINTING, YOU'RE MINE.

HMM.

NO, REALLY?

FINALLY

YOU'RE ALL MINE

Out lurking in Gillian's apartment with a knife, you know how it goes.

YES YES IT DOES

And yet no matter how I tried, they refused to do anything with it. LAME. I'll go look somewhere else.

That would follow, yes.

DUN DUN DUUUUN

I wanted those!!

Huh.

THERE'S SOMETHING BEHIND IT

Let's draw a mustache on it while no one's looking.

And we've shot people for less.

HE'S MY FATHER, HE'D NEVER BETRAY ME LIKE THAT!

Metal you just don't want to carry anything more, admit it.

Like the kind that are written out in letters on a piece of paper, I just don't know.

IF YOU SAY SO

Or something's about to pop out and hit me in the face, could be anything.

LET'S CONTINUE OUR SEARCH.

He wasn't nearly as big a failure as I am.

Mika wanted it since she said she gave it to him ten years ago, but I called it first! Ha ha ha ha ha! I don't even use it, I don't like the ink color.

Because I sure don't.

I'M not doing your laundry!

That sounds vaguely creepy for some reason, Metal.

YES I DO THANK YOU

what

No?

OOOOOH that thing.

well if the two faces have weird misshapen huge foreheads, okay.

Yeah, alright!

I won't answer your question, because it'd be difficult.

All this time, and this is the payoff?

What is with Kojima and Russia?

I was wondering if someone would mention that. On the other hand, so far the Snatchers have been kind of dim.

THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF UNANSWERED QUESTIONS WELL BACK TO WORK

Mika succumbs to Stockholm syndrome.

MIKA NO

And you're too old for me, sorry.

JUST HER CLOSEST FRIENDS AND EMPLOYERS, SHE WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED

You dimwit, Mika thinks to herself.

APPARENTLY?

Woah, the rom glitched up here for a second.

Ah, there we go.

Anyway, it plays this great music while you talk to Jamie, it's kind of hilarious. Has this wailing sax and everything.

ANYWAY Jamie basically tells you things you already know, mainly that Queens Hospital has a huge basement (duh) and that their base is probably under there. That and the director had his license suspended, which we learned from Jordan. THANKS JAMIE.

Music change! I missed something here since I was trying to write it down as quickly as possible, but she says that you left her or left to go to Junker because you were self-destructing, or something, pushing yourself really hard, and... thought she or you were a huge burden? I dunno, something like that. No mention of Gillian being a shameless whore though. Anyway, she says she'll be waiting for you and to be careful. Jamie you can do better.

Once she hangs up, Metal says "Are you okay Gillian?" in the goofiest way, I wish there was a way to capture it for you, it was hilarious.

I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

GOD CAN YOU FOCUS FOR TWO SECONDS, GILLIAN

WAIT A MINUTE

THE TURBOCYCLE IS GOING OUT OF CONTROL

THE BRAKES HAVE BEEN CUT!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Previous | Next | Index