Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Gillian jumps a 14 year old girl in the shower



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged. See title. :|




Would I lie to you? :\

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Do you want to eat three flans in front of a sunset? We can help.

Ah, bright blue, my favorite color for buildings.

HEY MY LIGHT CAME ON

I forget what Gillian said here, I didn't write it down. Probably OMG THE LIGHTS CAME ON

THEY SURE DID, LITTLE BUDDY!

Prolonging the inevitable, I decide to poke around in every menu.

SOME SECURITY SYSTEM

MAYBE IT SUCKS?

God, what are you, stupid?

SO WHY DO I PAY YOU AGAIN?

As it floats in midair, our magical portal to pedophilia land.

THOSE SNATCHERS ARE TERRIBLY CLEVER

FINE

IF I HAVE TO

Yeah whatever it's Katrina okay I'm way ahead of you game

There's this slight hissing sound in the background, which is obviously the shower. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Although Metal does say "I HEAR SOMETHING" in this hilariously conspiratorial voice.

This room is in desperate need of looking. Hopefully Katrina will finish her shower in peace in the meantime.

In your weird, perspective defying room of non-Euclidean angles.

Snatchers are big into Feng Shui.

Funny how before Metal could tell that they were Katrina's, but can't now! Snatcher you're really doing everything in your power to have me jump her in the shower as a "surprise" aren't you.

Snatchers are into petty thievery! Almost as much as they love suntan lotion and killing dogs!

No wait, that's the heat rock for my lizard, never mind.

What, was Katrina wearing heels?

They often wear designer shoes! That or they walk on the tips of metal blades, like all robots.

Oh it does not, Snatcher, stop being coy. I know what you're doing.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGH

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So Katrina brought her own shampoo with her when she ran from her house while Snatchers slaughtered her dog? How thoughtful.

Gdit Snatcher.

Just... gdit.

NO WAIT MY MISTAKE LET'S TURN AROUND

Are you sure we're not in the Amazon Rainforest by mistake?

gasp. shock and dismay.

WELL GLAD THAT'S SOLVED BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUSLY KATRINA

LET'S LEAVE

Desperately trying to postpone the inevitable here.

NO GILLIAN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CALL OUT "HEY, WHO'S IN THE SHOWER?"

OR KNOCK ON THE DOOR?

OR WAIT OUTSIDE?

LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

Oh yeah, there's nothing a robot loves more than a nice hot shower, yeah.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

NO GILLIAN YOU PERVERT DON'T DO IT i actually didn't write down what metal said here but oh well

HUH HUH GOTTA INVESTIGATE HUH HUH

God, here it comes.

Gillian says something classy like VAVAVOOM or something, which is what anyone would say when they deliberately jumped a 14 year old girl in the shower, what.

NO KATRINA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE OR KICK HIM IN THE BALLS

AND THEN CALL THE COPS

Wow, that's an incredibly unflattering angle.

Anyway, Metal gets REALLY snippy and angry and says something like "YOU HAD THAT COMING YOU DESERVED IT GILLIAN"

which i would applaud except that makes it sound like Metal was also aware that it was Katrina in the shower and then let Gillian spy on her so he could also spy on her and still take the moral highground about it later. YOU TWO ARE A BAD INFLUENCE ON EACH OTHER

Gillian says something like I DIDN'T SEE YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES EITHER

and Metal says THAT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T

ho ho.

SNATCHER WTF >:(

Apparently the American artists, high on the fact they can use the excuse of "she's 18" like that'll fool anyone, got together and decided the best way to celebrate the fact that Katrina was "legal" was to gratuitously draw her nipples.

THANKS, SNATCHER. I REALLY WANTED TO SEE THAT.

THANKS.

Does she have like a balloon under her scalp, what is this.

Both Gillian and Metal make little "oooooooh" noises when she lets down her hair, just so you know that Metal's interest in her is prurient as well despite being a robot. Remember what I said about taking the high ground?

OH WTF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK AT THIS THE ENTIRE TIME ARE YOU F--- YOU SNATCHER >:(

In an not pedophilia related note, it plays the weirdest music during this scene. It's kind of sparse and tinkling, it's weird.

OH yeah all the dialogue. Basic jist is that she got scared and ran to his place. Katrina picked the lock on his door, somehow, so Gillian should probably get some new locks.

Yeah, that's it.

GILLIAN STOP IT

SERIOUSLY

AND WHAT'S TWO YEARS, ANYWAY? HA HA HA HA HA! IT'S NOT REALLY STATUTORY RAPE IF SHE WANTS IT!

WTF WHY WOULD GILLIAN BE MAD

ARE YOU APOLOGIZING FOR RIGHTFULLY SPRAYING HIM THE FACE FOR PEEKING ON YOU IN THE SHOWER

WTF

gd it gillian.

Destroy him with your mind, Katrina.

THAT ARE PROBABLY HALF YOUR AGE!

LIKE ME!

I wish.

Unlike at her house, Katrina does not throw you out if you keep harrassing her, although by all rights she should have beaten the s--- out of you for being a filthy pervert and gotten properly dressed by this point.

SUCH A NOBLE MAN

IT'S ONLY ILLEGAL IF WE GET CAUGHT

YES. PLEASE.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KATRINA STOP IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO SEDUCE HIM AND OH GOD

NO DO IT NOW

AAAGH

YES, PLEASE GET DRESSED. DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, JUST CHANGE THIS PICTURE OF YOU

DARN IT

Well that was cheery.

Nooooooo wrong side aaagh

Written in braille!

Heh, illicit.

Well, I guess you could call it that.

NO IT'S GARBAGE

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

Before doing that, I've GOT to hear this.

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME

Does this mean in the Japanese version she just turned 14? UGH GOD GILLIAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE

Unless you model CHILDREN'S CLOTHES

GILLIAN YOU PEDOPHILE

Your WIFE.

Please god scene change do something

Haha me and Funkmeister were chatting about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia like I mentioned in the last entry. :B

OKAY FINE I'LL PUT IN OLEEN I GOT IT

Well dang. I'm out of ideas.

Pringles?

I GUESS?

"Just keep thinking about it!"

WELL THANKS THAT'S REAL HELPFUL

I forget, I probably put in Oleens or something here. I REALLY HAD NO IDEA

YES THANK YOU FINALLY

Example of how in the wrong direction I was going - Did you notice that there are different pixels highlighted on the Hospital part of the sign? My theory was that maybe those pixels corresponded to a number (like four white pixels - 4=O), and that number would make a cipher that correspond to the name of the Hospital, or... something like that.

I WAS APPROACHING THIS IN THE WRONG DIRECTION, AS YOU CAN TELL. Sierra games have cursed me with way overthinking puzzles.

THIS ISN'T HELPING

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

SNATCHER I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

KATRINA YOU'RE NOT HELPING

In hopes that if I kept getting it wrong, it'd continue to give me more hints, I began throwing out random combinations.

I WAS VERY PUZZLED BY THIS

YEAH I GOT THAT OKAY THAT DOESN'T HELP

WELL GEE THAT'S GREAT

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME

although i'm always amused when characters say this, because you can always make them get it wrong just to spite them. I GOT IT HUH? OH REALLY?

Finally, someone dropped a hint "It was something of Gibson's", which was the missing link that solved the puzzle. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

Darn it I totally forgot about that dumb chess piece. Eh whatever.

OH PICKY PICKY, QUEENF HOSPITAL

There are we done now

Woop, the text is highlighted now, I got it right this time obviously.

hurray

IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME, KATRINA

Look i get the concept okay you don't need to explain it like fifty times

Although this IS Kojima we're talking about, so.

THAT THING YOU COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT, YEAH!

According to my notes, I'm assuming that Gillian is the one who says the director of the hospital is Chinese and probably a Snatcher or something.

WHATEVER LET'S GO

Actually I think they had to explain ONE MORE TIME the Oleen/Queens puzzle here, I guess just in case some people hadn't grasped the concept.

Oh wait, there's the Chinese guy, never mind.

Katrina, OF ALL THINGS, APOLOGIZES TO GILLIAN FOR SPRAYING HIM IN THE SHOWER

LIKE SOMEHOW SHE WAS IN THE WRONG

JUST...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

She then, horrifyingly enough, says that MAYBE IF YOUR TIMING WAS BETTER, WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Katrina thankfully says she's going into police custody, away from Gillian's pedoclaws. May we never have to hear Gillian's creepy sexual thoughts about fourteen year old girls ever again.

That unpleasantness out of the way, let's do something else

OH FINE

The sign flickers in and out, as if mocking you if you didn't get the puzzle right away.

Or wait, maybe it isn't, never mind.

AND I KNOW HOSPITAL ARCHITECTURE

You can stop patting yourself on the back for that puzzle anytime, guys.

Metal really cares about illegal parking.

BUT IT'S A SECRET HOSPITAL

Oh I love buildings shaped like pillars, they're so phallic.

As opposed to countless doors all over the walls and ceiling.

HOW SUSPICIOUS

Typical neon sign behavior. GET A JOB.

And I was hoping to get some clothes shopping in, darn

WHOOPS!

Blue is a popular color in the future.

Oh waaaaaah Gillian

HMM

FILTHY DISGUSTING POOR PEOPLE, GOD I HATE THEM

You'd be surprised.

Well obviously they don't come in this way, duh.

I HAVE TO TOUCH THESE

Didn't I see this set on Star Trek once?

ALMOST LIKE... THIS IS A HOSPITAL OF SOME KIND...

He plays a few rounds of Virtua Tennis to keep himself relaxed.

So the Snatcher's base is built below ground, I got it.

Well there WILL be at some point, if that bathroom where Freddy tried to kill me is any indication.

Well that was a bust.

Ah, mysterious specimens in tubes, where would scifi be without you?

I'm sorry, what manipulators? What were the Snatchers DOING here?

SNATCHERS DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT

I don't know why Bioroids would be interested in biology, it just baffles me.

I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT

Well technically you're not alive either Metal being a robot and all but hey splitting hairs

DIFFICULT... BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE?

I was expecting beer!

Oh one of these kind of segments. I HAVE A FEELING YOU'RE GOING TO POP SOMETHING AT ME AT SOME POINT, SNATCHER.

Well that looks interesting.

Kojima do you just have a huge boner for Russia or what

I love that place! Let's go get some drinks later.

Oh yeah foolproof plan nothing can go wrong there

Hey, doesn't this look like that picture of a vase in the Chief's office?

Hmm.

Oh woah I was focusing on that black area but if there's a drawer there heck go ahead and open it.

Inside the drawer are records of patients! Or there would be, except they were all cleared out... like the Snatchers knew we were coming, dun dun duuun. They did, however, leave a scrap behind.

It looks like Chinese, but Metal says he can't read some of the characters. Gillian snips at him a bit all I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD AT CHINESE, to which Metal responds MY STRONGEST AREAS ARE EGG FOO YUNG AND WONTONS and man i'm hungry now

Also Metal you're a robot, you don't eat

Well hey, what do we have here. ENTRANCE TO AN UNDERGROUND PASSAGEWAY, BINGO.

I poked and poked at this desk for ages but it wouldn't move. THIS IS KILLING ME. I KNOW IT CAN MOVE.

I'll have to come back later.

YOU'RE SO HYSTERICAL SOMETIMES, GILLIAN

Copy prevention? If you're that worried about your info, should you really be writing it on a whiteboard?

Alright whatever. Anyway, nothing else in the hospital. LET'S GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!

WELL THERE'S OBVIOUSLY THAT DESK, BUT APPARENTLY GILLIAN'S STRINGBEANY LITTLE ARMS CAN'T MOVE IT

I'd DURR her but I bet a good chunk of Americans right now couldn't tell you where this Cathedral is.

ARGH NO I HATE CALLING NAPOLEON

Chief it's just a picture, it's not really here.

Which... means something!

Oh hey, here's a new option.

Because I'm definitely not qualified.

What, did the Government just be all YOU'RE A JUNKER NOW WELL GET TO IT and Gillian couldn't do anything about it? What, did they put a career chip in him or something?

I NEED ANSWERS

One time, long ago, in Paris...

I thought we'd moved past "theory" on that one a while ago.

DUN DUN DUUUUN

Of?

YOU'RE A BIOLOGICAL WEAPON

INFECTED WITH FOXDIE

But all your files are still here with us, and you have an ID, and Jamie works at that hospital, so yeah, I guess you can exist, never mind.

ARGH NO I DON'T WANT TO

Man new options are just popping up all over around here.

What kind of loser ARE you?

OH HO HO I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, KOJIMA

And how to make walking metal tanks, and how to blow them up with ludicrous land mine patterns. Petrovich was kind of weird.

IS THERE A CONNECTION??

And that picture, but eh.

Which you haven't of course! Ha ha ha!

GIBSON WAS THE CLOSEST THING I HAD

THEN HE GOT KILLED

So lost your parents huh? That's rough. Let's talk about me now.

If that's the case, then Gillian's screwed.

OR A PERVERT

do you want to see

Harry did you kill a man or something

Aaand I was running out of room for caps, so here's where I stopped!

Up next: Napoleon! Probably dead!

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