Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

It doesn't taste fat free



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged. Some gore in this one!




Let's get back to Snatcher! Last time we checked in, Gillian killed a guy. Robot. Whatever. Then Sting came in on a unicycle, smacked his butt and left. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

Recapping and dithering around? You may be on to something.

For cancer?

IT'S THE KONAMI BUILDING

I can't remember if I ever got a good shot of it before, so here you go.

"But sir, why are we pointing the spotlights horizontally across the city?"

"I don't pay you to think, Jenkins!"

Time to recap everything that's happened up to this point! Helpful for those who may have stopped playing for like a month or something.

LET ME SHOW PICTURES FOR IT!

It plays this great fancy music for this recap bit. Heh.

YOU MUST DEFEAT DR. WILY.

That's what you get for sleeping with two murderbots at once, Gibson.

THEN WE FOUND A DISK!

And the disk told us Snatchers die of skin cancer, have about six months before they can fix it, and have a hospital to treat their skin cancer. ALL INFORMATION WE ALREADY KNOW, BUT I GUESS KOJIMA WANTS TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION

Don't eat that Seed I swear to god

>8(

CAMEOS FOR EVERYONE!

Then we made a goofy looking montage. It was lots of fun.

This guy was a harmless 90s druggie.

STOP SHOWING ME THIS CLIP WHY DID HIS LIPS HAVE TO FLAP LIKE THAT

What kind of stupid Snatcher snatches someone who's ALREADY DEAD?

Someone please move her off that baseball, her back must be killing her.

Not portrayed - his bizarre misshapen forehead.

COME TO SUCK YOUR BLVUD

Random are you coming on to me

Oh god oh god

Anyway, basically it turns out that Random lied about his bounty hunter info or whatever. HE'S A LOOSE CANNON. IS HE EVERYTHING HE SAYS HE IS? POSSIBLY NOT?! INTRIGUE!

Anyway the only new information to come out of this bit is that Little John's memory (Gibson's robot buddy who got blown up before and may have been Metal's ex-boyfriend) has finally been decoded and might have some answers. GO TO HARRY AND CHECK IT OUT

LETS CONTINUE THE INVESTIGATION

YOU'RE WHY CAVEMEN PAINTED ON WALLS

DISS!

Is there really something with this picture or are you just messing with me, Kojima.

UNF UNF UNF

YOU WOULDN'T KILL ME, WOULD YOU CHIEF??

By the way you're not a snatcher are you

FINGERPAINT ON IT, IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID

IS THERE A SAFE BEHIND THIS PICTURE

I BET THERE IS

YOU DON'T OWN ME

YOU'RE OFF THE CASE, SEED!

Alright whatever let's further the plot if you insist

Blah blah basically Little John's memory is pretty much shot EXCEPT FOR ONE IMAGE

GASP

Basically it's curved so it might not be one word, and if it's an underground hospital it might not be in Jordan. WELL THANKS FOR NOTHING GUYS.

COMMENCE WITH THE CONSTANT POKING AROUND

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST

FOR BEING TOO BEAUTIFUL

are you coming on to me harry

I'LL NEVER BE GIBSON HARRY DON'T DO THIS TO ME

Well I kind of already am searching you, so

HMMMMMM

Will this come back later? WHO CAN SAY

Yes. Yes I do.

NO DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN DO THAT WITH EVERYONE HERE NOW

AWESOME

Like Ivan when I shoved my gun in his mouth!

I SAW GILLIAN THREATEN IVAN

HE'S NOT GENTLE

BUUURN

RANDOM: ALREADY BETTER THAN GILLIAN IN EVERY WAY

I KILL FOR FUN

Maybe it's a scrolling marquee?

FRICK WELL I GIVE UP

Awwwwww nooooo I don't want to deal with that again

NO REALLY???

Don't patronize me, you prick.

YOU KEEP TELLING ME THAT AND EVERYTIME I GO AND ASK HIM ABOUT IT HE DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING

DARN IT

And was used for fat-free chips for a while until they were shown to... I want to say cause diarrhea but I can't remember and then was pulled off the market? Or was that spelled Olene that time?

Thanks, you're real helpful.

WHY DOES SHOWING YOU THIS LOGO MAKE YOU SPOUT BIZARRE UNRELATED NONSENSE?

Stop hitting on me.

Kind of an interesting factoid - The dialogue in a lot of these conversations was just slightly different my first time through, when I got shot like three times and shot what's his face the first time. Like they were more concerned with me? I dunno. YOU'D BE SEEING THAT DIALOGUE IF MY FIRST BATCH OF CAPS HADN'T GOTTEN CORRUPTED. >:(

ALL I GOT IS A NAME! A NAME!

Your boobs might be snatchers, ma'am.

STOP FEELING ME UP GILLIAN

So you're ALSO an amnesiac searching for his lost memories AND a young supergenius that lost their parents in the Catastrophe?

HEY MIKA, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GUYS WHO PUT THEIR PENIS IN YOU?

I'M JUST CURIOUS

Not like you, GILLIAN SEED.

IF HE'S A PERSON AT ALL

NO? FRICK!

Let's pester Jamie and see what she's up too.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

HAHAHA SUCKER

leave your name and number at the beep

And "stalking"

AND THAT'S WHY YOU CONSTANTLY TRY TO SLEEP WITH EVERY WOMAN YOU SEE

YES THAT MUST BE IT

Anyway Jamie left me the number for her work so I called her there. WHY NOT.

She didn't sound entirely enthused to talk to me again.

WE WERE IN SIBERIA?

Okaaay

And Mika, and that woman at the strip club, and that 14 year old girl, and...

And everything to do with your huge cans.

LET'S JUST FORGET THIS WHOLE DIVORCE BUSINESS AND MAKE OUT

THAT'S PLAUSIBLE RIGHT? RIGHT? PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME.

When I said you were pretty, and you stared at me blankly. That was amazing.

"You're so pretty."

"STOP SAYING THAT."

":]"

">:|"

When I smacked you across the face, and you cried like a little girl, those were the days.

Oh hey, this could actually be useful! Haha who knew.

Jamie, professional Psueicide-er. This strikes me as a not entirely healthy way to check how much someone cares about you.

I FAKED MY DEATH TO SEE IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME! OW OW WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME

I'd go sleep with that 14 year old girl, that's what I'd do.

I'll just hide in your closet with that mask and pop out at you.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT! KOJIMA YOU SELL-OUT

An unknown entity known as "the player"

JAMIE NO THAT'S NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE

but she drops it. Oh well.

WILL JAMIE'S MEMORY COME BACK? CALL IN AND VOTE!

AWKWARD.

Sure no probl- wait what

And I won't send you my underwear, so stop asking.

You're such a big boy now, Gillian!

Gibson was really into bizarre metaphors, in between his robot bounty hunter orgies.

YOU SAID YOU'D HEARD OF IT

Well that was surprisingly productive. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

Man I'm not happy with this either okay.

Guys

I seriously hate the music here

You have no idea

Just as planned.

YOU WON'T EVER BE ALONE ANYMORE, GILLIAN.

EVER.

LIKE WE'LL SPEND EVERY DAY TOGETHER FROM NOW ON

EVERY MOMENT

TOGETHER

Hahahaha yes, yes, just in case

just in case Jamie somehow gets her eyes cut out and her throat slit

just in case

OH GILLIAN, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE

Metal, latent neon-sexual.

AT LEAST, THAT IS WHAT MY HUMOR RECEPTORS TELL ME.

BEEP.

Let's take some home with us. Just a little. I'll treat it nice.

ADVERTISING IS BEAUTIFUL

Because they're probably not rich super stars.

LOOK MAYBE I WILL OKAY

it's just

what if he doesn't like me

F--- YOU CHRISTMAS SALES >:(

Robots are at home, giving each other cans of oil.

ANYONE WHO SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS IS A DIRTY COMMUNIST

wait what

Hint hint.

There's a healthy attitude to have.

DUN DUN DUUUUN

I actually think Napoleon looks better this way.

Basically Napoleon says that the job is too dangerous and this is the last time he's going to see you before he quits, since he doesn't want to end up like Gibson. I THINK IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW.

I'm bizarrely amused at the idea of these two just passive-aggressively sniping at each other.

ACHOO

You're dead meat, Napoleon.

I NEED AN ADULT, I NEED AN ADULT

WHOEVER RICK BAKERY IS, HE SURE MAKES FINE PRODUCTS! WE SHOULD GO BUY THEM!

Since we know each other so well and all.

...huh.

Hahahahahaha illicit hospital hahahahahaha

WAY AHEAD OF YOU NAPOLEON

AS USUAL

Surprisingly humble for an informant?

AND YET SOMEHOW IT'S ALSO STRONGLY ASSOCIATED WITH SNATCHERS?

NO WAY THE TWO ARE RELATED

DUN DUN DUUUUN

Neo Kobe you really do suck. If Snow-9 blocks radio transmissions it's a miracle there's any reception in the city at all.

DARN IT YOU'RE THE INFORMER, YOU TELL ME

But how else can I get shanked?

Aha, there we go.

So glad for infinite money.

EXTORTIONIST!

They get good reception there. Have many switches.

Napoleon mentions that Snatchers are after us now. THEY WEREN'T BEFORE?

BYE NAPOLEON you'll be dead by midnight

DEAD!

More cause I was running out of space for caps than anything else.

WHAT WILL WE FIND IN THE RF DISTRICT? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

My guess: not a hospital.

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