Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Gillian kills a guy



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2009! I left my write-up mostly unchanged. Gore in this one! And some fun bonuses.




UGH as i mentioned before I had some technical difficulties with my caps. Here's the game that I last saved on. Thankfully my paranoia had me save it in a different slot than the one I'd been using so I didn't have to replay from like, three hours in.

BACK TO WHERE WE WERE

AGAIN

SIGH

What a poltroon! Please tell him that for me.

He calls it Plank.

I TOO ENJOY A NICE BLUE SKY WITH SOME PUFFY LITTLE CLOUDS

I AM SO INTO THAT

METAL GEAR?!

We dated once and... it's complicated, never mind.

Gillian often finds himself having to size up people's apartments to determine whether or not they'll leap from a window to avoid him.

I LOVE LIVING IN MY BLOODRED APARTMENT BUILDING

IT'S SO SOOTHING

Commence exhausting of every menu option... NOW

As a sidenote, the music that plays here (and in many other places) really reminds me of Clouds of Xeen. I FEEL I HAVE MENTIONED THIS BEFORE, BUT THIS TIME I AM SPECIFYING THE MUSIC PLAYING RIGHT NOW.

Why don't you lean up reeeeeeal close and check

Bob would you move your hand please

whatever HOW ABOUT THIS PLATE HERE

AFTER I FINISH CHECKING EVERYTHING MAYBE I WILL

No!

Or a mighty foot of justice.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

music change here to the TENSE THEME

Alright fine I'll knock on the dumb door.

I SAID I'D DO IT METAL

GOD

PERSISTANCE PAYS OFF!

I don't know if it's really wise to announce HEY IF YOU'RE A SNATCHER I'M HERE TO KILL YOU everytime you meet someone who may be a Snatcher.

FOR YOU TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS I JUST MENTIONED!

And then we can make sweet, sweet love.

HINT HINT YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET INTO A GUN BATTLE HINT HINT

I found them emasculating. :(

Alright, this happened so quickly I didn't get any caps of me actually shooting. But the more amusing thing is my first time around doing this, I had completely forgotten what button pulled out your blaster. So I just sat there with an epic :B face while Ivan shot me until I finally found the right button and shot him. WOOPS.

So my first time around I got shot three times, but this time I think he only got one shot off.

HARDCORE

Is this your darkroom Ivan, what is this.

Gillian says something about how he shot the gun out of his hand or something. I suspect if I shot Ivan in the face it may have gotten me a game over. OH WELL.

Metal: Great shot, Gillian!

Gillian: It's not exactly how I planned it. >:(

wtf were you hoping to kill him gillian

Anyway let's investigate Ivan the photographer's room.

It's hard to capture this here, but Ivan sits up and starts doing this weird, unpleasant thing with his mouth. Like flapping it open and shut again. I THOUGHT HE WAS SNATCHER JUST BECAUSE IT LOOKED VERY CREEPY AND OFF-PUTTING

you can't really see how unnatural it looked in the caps though. OH WELL.

HMM, MAYBE HE ISN'T A SNATCHER?!

Tee hee, ray gun.

Hey wait, weren't these supposed to be acronyms or something, so it was RAYGUN and BLASTER or something? Eh.

THE LAST HORSE CROSSES THE FINISH LINE

I also checked the condition of his long made-up words. They were A+.

Oh no wait, a piece just fell off.

I don't need to fix my vacuum! I'll just buy a new one!

How about his horrible metal looking teeth and how he won't stop flapping his lips at me

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING SATURDAY NIGHT

MAKING MY NERF GUN SHOOT CROSSBOW BOLTS

COOL COOL

This dialogue was a bit different when I was hit three times. :B I wonder what he'd say if I nearly died?

HE SNATCHED IT

Darn I was going to try and fence this for some drug money.

No copies of Snatcher Monthly, for example, the magazine devoted to all your Snatcher needs.

Loose bolts, motor oil, bionic eyes, that sort of thing.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN

HAHAHAHAHA

I FEEL SO POWERFUL

Anyway let's see what peepshow has to say.

I JUST SAID I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU WERE A KILLER ROBOT, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

Three times my other time around.

I'M NOT A THIEF IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN

LIKE SOME RANDOM MAN BUSTED INTO HIS HOUSE AND IS THREATENING HIM WITH A GUN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

:O

Wow Gillian you're kind of crazy

Anyway, Gillian demands that he admit he's a Snatcher. Ivan (who has the same 90s surfer accent as say, Michaelangelo from the Ninja Turtles) is all OMG OMG DON'T SHOOT ME

And Metal points out that while defending yourself before was justified, blowing Ivan's brains out would probably get you arrested. Gillian seems very disappointed by this. I didn't know you enjoyed murdering people so much, Gillian.

Anyway, Metal says they need to check the bathroom for sunscreen, since that would be proof. Somehow I don't think that'd normally stand up in court, but okay.

I'm glad we climbed up the walls and are perched in the corner together, Gillian. It feels intimate.

Hold on, I have the vapors. Let me rest a spell.

Now, assuming that Air Surfing is, indeed, surfing on air, why would your surf gear get dirty? Are you surfing on smog?

No it isn't.

JUST GIVE UP, IT'S TOO LATE NOW. ANY WATER THAT COMES THROUGH THIS PLACE IS CONTAMINATED.

A different brand of sunscreen then.

It's flat. And long.

A protector? Is that in case lightning decides to strike your crotch or something?

AND I'VE BEEN IN ENOUGH CATTLE BARNS TO KNOW

Huh, weird.

A what now

Kojima is this a reference to Snake or something

Edit - SOMEONE JUST REMINDED ME, IT'S A BLADERUNNER REFERENCE

TO THE LADY WITH THE SNAKES

hahahaha

WELL IF ROBOTS COULD DREAM THEY WOULD

MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR ME

YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME WON'T YOU GILLIAN

Two great things that go great together.

Thanks for that valuable contribution, Gillian. I'll file that right away.

YOU SAID IT DIDN'T HAVE A LABEL

gasp

Just an algae farm, nothing unusual.

I have to make sure my garbage is sparkling clean guys

I need this

Breathe deep the magical aroma.

JUST ALL THE MOLD SPORES

This game gets so annoyingly picky about the order you have to do things. You have to investigate the board, find the bag, then look at the bag, then investigate the bag. ONCE IS FINE.

I keep my yeast in here.

>8(

So how do you do Liquid Sky, do you snort it or inject it or what

I assumed you injected it from the Liquid part, but hey who knows

There IS a Santa Claus!

I forget what Gillian said here. Probably something like WELL THAT EXPLAINS THAT.

yes it does, my sweet

Gillian, not having had enough time being a sociopath, decides to threaten surfer guy some more.

Ivan says that he needed the drugs to air surf, and I'm assuming he means he sold them for cash to pay for air surfing, since I can't imagine being very good at air surfing if you're tripping your brains out.

Ivan is also very adamant about asking for an ambulance, I guess for his shot hand. Gillian responds to this with a spiteful WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOME DRUGS ON IT >:(

OH GILLIAN

Anyway they get a scanning warrant sent through and of course Ivan isn't a Snatcher. OMG. They instead turn him over to the cops, even though Gillian said he was a Junker and therefore didn't care about drugs.

Leathery, orange skin

YOU DRUGGIES I HATE YOU ALL

So anyway, that's taken care of. THAT JUST LEAVES WHAT'S HIS FACE. THE OTHER ONE.

Gillian wonders if he should have pistol whipped the guy for good measure.

YEAH LET'S DO THIS

Deep in the Mustard Yellow district of Neo Kobe.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?

Does an apartment building really qualify as a dormitory?

THAT BUILDING IS MAKING ME SO HOT RIGHT NOW GUYS

UNF UNF UNF

They made some great sandwiches.

Apart from that car barreling towards us.

Man, I'm going to have to deal with CHUDs aren't I

That and the goblins.

Huh. That's kind of an interesting idea.

OR ONE OWNED BY LARAMIE CIGARETTES

BUY LARAMIE!

We only use real bricks for the fancy houses. This one is made of peanut brittle.

I would assume Yes because Snatchers supposedly snatch famous/wealthy people.

THERE'S SOMEONE DOWN THERE

What, buried beneath the traffic light? Why?

SLACKERS

No it's not.

There we go.

Yeah yeah.

SHE'S DEAD

DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD

As opposed to Ivan's crayon drawing I guess.

DUN DUN MUSIC CHANGE

Wouldn't an anti-crime system be the same as a lock?

PERSISTANCE!

I'M HERE TO KILL YOU IF YOU ARE A ROBOT

TAKE A MOMENT TO PREPARE YOURSELF

I forget what Metal said here. Probably something like BE CAREFUL GILLIAN or something.

A WOMAN1??!

I READ THE REPORT

YOU'RE DEAD

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A SNATCHER

I AM ON TO YOU LADY

I didn't say that

NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL LADY

Gillian, interior decorator.

That or it's a very badly drawn spider web.

You know what never mind just never mind

forget it

no i'm fine i'm not angry

just forget it

I HAVE MY HAND ON YOUR MAMMARY GLAND, MA'AM

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION

Ah, you must have a cavity...

IN YOUR ROBOTOOTH!!!

She says calmly while Gillian honks her breasts.

Woah really

huh

did not see that coming

DUH, GILLIAN

Kojima really loves Russia, doesn't he.

So nyah.

I feel like her brain is skipping a little. Someone defrag.

I just said you could

She was often throwing this out there, since I ask people things over and over in this game until they start repeating themselves. SHE WAS NOT UP FOR IT, APPARENTLY.

YOU KILLED HIM

Wait what's why

PLAY BADMINTON?

He hasn't been driving his "manned taxi" into my "vagina" if you catch my meaning.

ARREST THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY

I'M the Snatcher- OOP

He left it on the bathroom floor this morning and it seemed to be in good condition.

I'LL LET YOU LOOK AT IT WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY

And at night, the black taxis break into your house and drive around in your hair, beeping softly.

USE A BY THE TESTIMONY? BUT NO ONE'S EVERY USED A BY THE TESTIMONY AND LIVED!

"And our shuttle will be called... okay, who put this gibberish in the hat. Carl was it you?"

"I miss my dog :("

"Gdit, Carl."

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DIDN'T JUST SNATCH HIM INSTEAD

Can it? Heck if I know.

I only frequent clean nightclubs for children.

HMMM.

SO YOU SAY, SNATCHERESS

I like seeing if I can get myself killed by showing this to people.

Can I eat it?

Can I eat it?

That's an extremely ugly picture of him! And where are his whiskers?

It's completely infallible. There's no way it could be wrong.

WE NEED TO LOOK IN YOUR BATHROOM MA'AM

we will also require a pair of your underwear. please don't disturb us for at least an hour.

I actually just need more evidence for a scanning warrant. WELL SURELY I'LL FIND IT HERE, IN PLAIN SIGHT.

Plotting your eventual murder.

It's almost... erotic.

I CROWN THEE KING OF BATHTUBS.

I don't remember reading anything about Snatchers needing mineral baths to keep their skin smooth. HMM.

So at some point I'm going to look at this mirror and someone's going to be over my shoulder, check.

Now look at me.

I BELIEVE THERE IS EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY IN MY BATHROOM

Filthy systems, they need to be cleaned so often.

METAL NO YOU'D SHORT CIRCUIT

YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR

Shouldn't it be bathtub system, although that doesn't really make more sense? HMM.

HMMMMMMMMMM.

You know you're in a fancy house when you have expensive gratuitous dealies that really serve no practical purpose.

METAL YOU KEEP FAKING ME OUT

WHY DO YOU DO THIS

Well dang.

Again with its weird pickiness, you apparently have to look, investigate, and then look at the shelf again before something shows up. SNATCHER. >:(

IT'S... SO SMOOTH AND HARD.

Snatchers buy their sunscreen in bulk. Makes sense.

Wait, did Gibson break into their house and steal a bottle? Or was this all just a lover's spat gone horribly wrong?

OH MY GOD!!

THAT'S IT, IT'S THE CHAIR FOR YOU, SNATCHER BOY

I missed it but Metal was swirling his little eye thingy all over. LOOK OUT GILLIAN

WAT

GASP

SHE WAS THE SNATCHER

AND SO IS FREDDY BUT AT THE MOMENT OMG

SNATCHERWOMAN

Wow Gibson had some claws on him.

LOOK AT HER FACE, THAT'S WHERE GIBSON GOT THE SKIN SAMPLES UNDER HIS NAILS

yes thank you for shouting that

BEEP BEEP

D:

Man it is very frustrating to try and get caps of these parts and not die, let me tell you.

Anyway, if I remember right they said shoot Snatchers in the back of the head in their head slits, but screw that, I'ma shoot her in the face.

OW

Thankfully, she usually tended to go down here where I could easily shoot her, thus saving me some effort.

She makes this really creepy scream when she dies. D:

Sorry, she landed on a baseball.

WOW THAT WAS TOUGH says gillian. Well not really.

Eh.

WHICH LEAVES THE HAIR SAMPLES THAT GIBSON ALSO HAD ON HIM

i'm imagining now that gibson and the two snatchers were in some menage a trois that went horribly wrong.

So they went outside and mention something about the junk collection agency coming to clean things up. Okay, lazy Junkers.

BUT OMG THE LIGHTS WENT BACK ON WHEN THEY LEFT

THE OTHER SNATCHER WENT THROUGH A SECRET PASSAGE OR SOMETHING AND IS INSIDE

As usual, I'm going to have Gillian dither around pointlessly rather than advance the plot.

I like it when you're forceful, Gillian.

I left it open so hoodlums could sack the place when we were done.

Metal, expert cat thief.

DUN DUN DUUUN

IT'S RIGHT ON TOP OF US

oh wait that's just the humidity

I COULD KNOCK ON ITS METAL HEAD OKAY

SHUT UP

Anyway, Metal tries to open the door. Gillian gets really snippy about it too, all HURRY IT UP, METAL >:( and it's like Gillian you are being a real bossyboots all of a sudden.

SOB

WE SHOULD GO IN THERE!

but first

Okay let's go.

I DON'T SEE ANYONE

i see you bearing my children, gillian

our metal robot children

BUT HE HAS TO BE IN HERE?

Oh yeah, the bathtub has been drained. RELEVANT?

SURPRISE!

GILLIAN YOU MORON LOOK BEHIND YOU

His huge misshapen head should be hard to miss!

Annoyingly enough, you can see Freddy doesn't quite match up with the areas on the screen you can aim at. I did this on the first try my first time around, but this time...

WHOOPS?

DARN IT WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO AIM

Metal why aren't you helping

are you getting off on this

THE INDOMITABLE JUNKER SPIRIT

YOU NEED SOME HELP, BUDDY?

lololol

YOU'RE LUCKY I SAVED YOU... PARDNER

hahahahahaha no really you look great

Anyway, this dude is some Random Hajile (Random Hajile, is that a stupid name, or), and he sort of talks like John Wayne. He has this great fancy theme playing for him too, lol.

Metal pops in to tell you, in this extremely passive-aggressively jealous tone of voice, that Random is a bounty hunter and kills Snatchers. And has, in fact, killed three of them and is therefore way more competent than Gillian McFailsalot.

SEXUAL TENSION?? Needs more fights in the rain with doves.

Anyway, Random tells you that he's actually been stalking you because he doesn't like doing investigation work, so he's just going to follow you to the Snatcher and then kill them for the cash for you. Not a bad deal, as far as I can tell, but Gillian gets all threatened and annoyed by Random's apparent laziness.

I hope Random shows up a lot from now on to pester Gillian, that'd be great.

You aren't going to drive that unicycle into my butt are you

Anyway, Random tells you stuff you already know (SNATCHERS GET CANCER FROM THE SUN AND WEAR SUNSCREEN) but also tells you something else that you already know but might further the plot, which is that they have a special hospital somewhere for treatment and you need to find it and, I'm assuming, blow it up or something. Gillian asks him how he knows that, then puts two and two together and is all YOU STOLE THAT INFO FROM GIBSON sneaking onto his computer after you banged him smoking a cigarette in the red light of the city

and Random's all YUP THAT'S HOW I ROLL

Man Gibson sure was a slut, sleeping around with Snatchers and now a bounty hunter, no wonder he was so popular.

BYE JUNKER BOY Random says fondly as he revs up his Turbounicycle and pops a wheelie, flying over some flaming cars on the way.

THERE ARE ACTS IN THIS GAME???

jesus by this point I'd completely forgotten. how long IS this game? Frick.

ALRIGHT, WHY NOT?

The title of this was misleading, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN THE SURPRISE


FUN BONUS MATERIAL COURTESY JAZ!


RAPID FLASHING LIGHT WARNING, CLICK TO SEE

Previous | Next | Index