Snatcher

Made by Konami, released in 1994

Sarah Connor?



Current Zar note: I did this LP in 2008! I left my write-up mostly unchanged.




I usually preface these with a backstory or an explanation of the time period or my personal history with the game etc etc, but I really don't have any of that for Snatcher since it's pretty much totally new to me. :O firefly99 kept pimping it and telling me to play it etc etc, and since it was by Kojima and promised to be bonkers in that way that appeals to me, I thought I'd check it out. Apparently it was also meant to be played with a light gun? Which is a shame cause that would probably make this much easier. From my limited experience so far (very limited) the gun controls seem a bit annoying.

But I really don't know very much about Snatcher, except that it's probably going to be insane, is fairly violent/disturbing in some unspecified way, and the main dude may or may not be an AU version of Snake. SO I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO PICK IT UP ALONG THE WAY.

I feel very confident about this.

I used to have a SegaCD actually. Come to think of it, I think I still know where it is. We never had this game though. I think... we had maybe like three games for it that I can really off hand. :B Sonic CD or whatever, Brutal Paws of Fury... maybe that one game with the butterflies and the mansion that we never got through? I don't really remember. Anyway not a lot.

It does the old DUH duuuh to this, which is weird since it actually was a higher quality little soundclip on the Genesis that went SEEEGAAAA in this very distinctive way, so it's odd to me that it goes back to a synth sound with the SegaCD. I DUNNO BLAH BLAH BLAH

1994 YEAH

JESUS THAT WAS FOURTEEN YEARS AGO

OH MY GOD

Everytime I see this logo, or any variant of the Konami logo actually but particularly this one, I keep wanting to go KONAMI! KONAMI! in the exact same tone of voice the old announcer used in DDR 3rd Mix (3:46 here). I miss the old DDR announcer.

Uh sure yeah i'm okay with that alright

Cyberpunk adventures are the best kind!

Sure sounds alright to me

I first started playing this on my old computer, which had some issues with the emulation, including locking up during an early cinematic thus why I haven't tried to play it again until now. It works alright on this computer, it seems, and apparently I not only got stuck on a cinematic later on, the old computer skipped the opening animation and dumped me right into the game without warning. So this opening was BRAND NEW!

That's good, I was worrying about that. I'm glad that's taken care of.

TO ME IS IT TO ME

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE

WHO KEEP HACKING ON MY LAWN

AND DRM SOFTWARE PROTECTION

UNLESS ITS A WEEKEND OR A WORK HOLIDAY

AS LONG AS ITS CONVENIENT.

This game is already off to a great start. OH KOJIMA.

I BET IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT NUKES ISN'T IT

I BET IT IS

I BET IT IS

Oh no wait it's just the old glove factory.

Actually no it is about nukes because Kojima loves nukes. Or loves to hate nukes. ANYWAY. Something I didn't think of when I thought of doing this is that there's a lot of narration (and hilarious voice acting) in this game but no subtitles. :O I kind of took some notes on conversations that went by while I had the chance, but a lot of the info they tell you here will show up later, so to help replicate my first experience just being thrown into the game, I'm not going to summarize what they were talking about here. TRY AND GUESS WHAT THESE IMAGES MEAN!

I told you not to wear your oven mitts while touching the logo, Steve!

I'm glad the vertical oscilloscope is still in working order.

THE FUTURE!

Mmm, pixelly cityscapes.

It's never lupetin.

HEY THERE'S A METAL GEAR IN THIS

ALRIGHT

Any Hajile will do really, just pick one.

Right Constable in his Majesty's service, wot wot

Is Jamie related to Gillian? WHAT DO YOU THINK, AUDIENCE?

YO MIKA!! Wooooo

Foosananer.

lol

Man I wish you guys could have seen this, but those two dudes (CYBERPUNKS FIGHTING INJUSTICE) there are having the failiest knife fight ever recorded.

Man, I hope earthquakes don't hit this place very often.

Keita nose! Ha ha! Okay no you can have it back.

Hey, they did the music for Castlevania! No surprise there really. Oh man, I forgot to mention, it's playing this pretty hilarious little saxophone heavy song during the credits, it's actually pretty catchy. But also very dated. 8D I love that sound.

Why does that name sound familiar.

KONAMI! KONAMI! I need to stop.

Anyway, these two people have a hilarious conversation in that stilted, weird way that old games tended to be voiceacted. Heh. It's Gillian and Jamie Seed!

I wish I had subtitles for this convo or something because it was awesomely ridiculous. Basically it's the most clumsy exposition ever, along the lines of I'M BECOMING A JUNKER BECAUSE I LOST MY MEMORY THREE YEARS AGO.

WELL I LOST MY MEMORY TOO.

WE ARE BOTH AMNESIACS

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN REGAIN MY MEMORIES

THAT IS WHY I DIVORCED YOU

stuff like that, it's hilarious seriously

Well here's my ride gotta go

DON'T FOLLOW ME

Stop spraying whipped cream everywhere why did we switch to this fuel system

HA HA BYE SUCKER

>:|

Ack I missed this cap trying to take notes on the dialogue, but lol Konami Omni Building. LIVE THE DREAM, KONAMI.

You're probably tempted to make dirty jokes here but I urge you to refrain.

Ah okay, this is more like it. HERE I AM I GUESS.

Hahaha ah, wow, this kind of format brings back memories. Anyway, I was still getting used to taking caps or whatever so some of these first caps aren't very clear, but I get the hang of it later.

NOW I NEED TO JURYRIG A KEY

WHERE'S MY WAX

Looking at Mika. WELL IF YOU SAY SO.

I guess cause the Terminators from the opening are coming? WHY DIDN'T I PAY ATTENTION NOO

Gillian, assaulting women is wrong!

All touching request forms must be filled out in triplicate.

>8(

Not SNATCHERS! What if they snatch my lunch?!

Alright fine if you insist.

SHE PROBABLY CAN'T FIX MY PROBLEM BUT I GUESS I CAN TALK TO HER TO PASS THE TIME

Anyway this was another voice acted conversation, but basically Gillian just introduced himself and such. Nothing major.

HMMMM. Normally I'd say he's just flirting awkwardly (just like Snake!) but this IS Kojima we're talking about here.

Sure?

Gillian, stop making grabby hands!

Set Wander Behavior: No.

In case you weren't listening out there! Like all of you reading this.

You can see I made sure to take this cap because it's a vitally important piece of dialogue.

So what is this Junker nonsense people keep talking about, do I work at a landfill or something

The Reploid- no, the Terminator- no, the SNATCHER menace! There we go!

As opposed to the Old Ladies Book Club down the street.

IS IT ANYTHING LIKE NEO TOKYO?

IT IS GOING TO E - X - P - L - O - D - E ?

kaaaaneeeedaaaa

Not really? Or is it? Heck, I don't know. IT'S THE FUTURE.

And then Gillian didn't tell her about himself. Gillian don't make promises you can't keep.

Darn SNATCHERS getting into my garbage, hate em.

TELL ME MORE OR I'LL KILL MYSELF

Alright fine let's get going.

Then they had another conversation but I forget it mostly. I think she just basically bantered and opened the door.

That's a rather intense stare you have goin there, Gillian.

So many options! Let's use the time honored method of going down the list from the top.

Mei LingMika: HEY THERE IS A MAN NAMED GILLIAN HERE

I'M BENSON CUNNINGHAM, AND I WILL HAVE YOUR BADGE IF YOU DON'T PLAY IT BY THE BOOK, SEED!!

Just thought it'd join in here, I got lonely.

Anyway basically if I remember right they just introduced each other and such, nothing major again.

YOU'RE A LOOSE CANNON, SEED.

Crawling around, getting in your hair, god I hate them.

Sorry I seem to be a step behind you, hem hem.

I enjoy pottery. Why do you have to judge, Gillian, why.

Gillian, don't feel up your superiors!

We like using both so we can watch them fight!

Freak.

BABY YOU'RE SOLID GOLD

wooooahooooh

I'm glad my hopes for this game weren't unfounded.

Someone tell me what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Gillian are you listening

Ha ha...ha?

Is Jordan my shadowy informant or something

I have a feeling this rule is going to haunt me in the future.

But I don't LIKE Jerry! He ditched my wedding!

YES A LIGHTBIKE

I MEAN, TURBOCYCLE

I didn't get into the thousands of bylaws regarding specific situations because that'd be boring.

Man what was number 2 again? Don't kill people, I think. Alright, I can do that.

That bum jumped in front of my gun, it wasn't my fault. |<

To be honest it doesn't seem like a very good job.

On the other hand, turbocycle.

VIGILANTISM: IT'S A-OK!

Which Hajile again? Eh, whatever one works.

So I can just sit here and drink coffee right

that'll really help my amnesia

Man, all of a sudden I want to watch Bladerunner for some reason. How weird.

I was in the military?

Also man what are the Snatchers doing that's so terrible anyway? Maybe they're killing people or something. Alright, I guess that works.

Jordan's our best street guy, has his fingers on the pulse of society, can sniff out any lead. Sandyblond mousy looking guy in the hallway. Didn't you see him? Or did he not want you to see him?

Specialized, really? You're just shooting robots, I mean, anyone can do that.

What kind of poorly funded organization is this

I just wanted to pet his bald head! It's supposed to give you luck!

That might be why you have a Snatcher problem, guys.

TAKE ME NOW

They sprang out of the sidewalk!

Like daisies!

So I married one to check it out.

But yeah whatever, make sure you shoot them in the face.

And another voiceacted segment without warning!

Cunningham gives me an ID card and some cash. Alright, sweet.

Or is that what Jordan wants you to think

Hey new thing on my menu here.

I ate it! Sorry!

STUPID MONEY, WHO NEEDS IT.

Made of ice cream.

Alright whatever, I'm out of here.

>8|

Sure, let's see this Harry guy.

I want a poster like that.

what

I'm beginning to see how Gillian could be an AU version of Snake now.

WE'RE DIVORCED! :D

Can I now read her thoughts?

See if I stare intently at your face again.

And then I cleaned it up for him once, and he said he could never find anything! I don't know why I bother.

And the Nobel Prize for best Fusion Reactor built while suffering a massive hangover goes to...

In the what

NO

18, eh? We'll see when we see her.

Oh yeah, that's the reason he gave me the money. I guess Gillian's got good credit.

Sure, why not.

It's poisoned, by the way.

You'll see that it's much better than yours. That's because he's better than you, Gillian.

I LOVE

EACH OF YOUR PORES

SO BEAUTIFUL

We like him more than you, Gillian.

I'll be using Jean's instead!

How would you know, Gillian? Maybe he was a detective or something.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO

Finally meet this elusive "Jordan".

lol

We ran out of computers so we just made the walls into computers too.

IN THE FUTURE WE TYPE WITH OUR MINDS

Or does it

OR IS IT ALL AN ELABORATE FRONT?

THIS SOUNDS LIKE FUN TIMES

A clever front for our expert spy, out on the streets on a hot beat.

Gillian were you listening to a word Mei Ling just said to you?

I mean Mika.

I DON'T WANT YOUR FILTHY CARD

PTEW

John Konami was an interesting man.

I think I'm on to something here.

OH KOJIMA.

Lame. Maybe I'm just not on the record or something.

Whaaat

pfff forget this

Wow that's a lot of options. :O uh.

WE'LL CONTINUE CHRONICLING FURTHER MADNESS IN OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT, STAY TUNED

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